It has been a few years since I have posted on here but I am currently dealing with so much anxiety and depression I feel like I am ruining my relationship. My significant other is very laid back and does not ever worry and always goes with the flow so he does not ever understand what I feel. He tries to empathize but I feel with the longer we are together the harder it is for him to be patient. 

Bckstory about me. I am a 33 year old female that has been battling anxiety for as long as I can remember. I was a child who cried all the time, I was on zoloft about 13 years ago that made me a zombie, I took lorazepam situationally about 5 years ago which caused blackouts and have been in and out of therapy.  I have always been uptight and neurotic and it especially comes out when I am in a relationship. I tend to be happier single because I am more able to control the situations I am in and remove myself when I become uncomfortable. Believe it or not I have a large social network and lifelong friendships who I see when I choose. I tend to avoid relationships because I do not like the fact that I dont have as much control in situations. I cant control their habits, their social life or whatever it is they do that might cause me anxiety. I find myself acting out because of my anxiety which in turn makes me very depressed.

My boyfriend and I moved in about 6 months ago and it has been a rollercoaster. On top of being opposites in all ways, we have very different sleep patterns and social patterns. I am much more of an introvert who likes to socialize for a bit then go back home to my safe haven. I go to bed early and I don't like the bar scene and feel uncomfortable when being forced to stay out late or being with large groups of people I don't know well. The disagreements that have come from this have caused me so much anxiety that I feel myself trying to grasp for more and more control which backfires on me. I just spent 6 days in my boyfriends hometown with his family and friends that was almost painful for me because I did not have a safe haven to retreat to. I had to go along with him and his friends plans whether I liked it or not. When i am in a situation I feel I am stuck in I recognize myself becoming mean, irritable, and combative with not just my significant other but those around me. I completely recognize it but it is like my eyes glaze over, I see red and lash out as if something came over me. I know that I am not a bad person and I don't want to categorize myself as a crazy girl but I feel like my anxiety dictates my emotions and I don't want his friends or family to dislike me.

Over the course of the last few months socializing has become hard for me. I loved doing crossfit 5 days a week for the last 7-8 years and now it is a struggle to get into the gym at all. I have become less open to trying new things and really am finding it hard to get outside of my routine. Even though my boyfriend tells me he loves me, I get very depressed because I feel like I am a burden on him. I don't understand why someone would want to stay with me. I feel unlovable. I had a break down last week the day before I was supposed to go meet him and his family for christmas because I felt like no one really cared if I was there or not because there was too much "ambiguity" in the plans. I needed a set plan given to me for each day so I could mentally prepare ahead of time for each scenario I might encounter and figure out my exit strategy.

Currently we have some friends of his in town staying with us and we have plans to go to a late night concert tonight and I freaked out last night because I was the only one who was trying to prepare for tonight by going to bed early and getting a good night sleep. They all stayed up partying until 3AM, kept me up awake and and they are all still sleeping when it is almost noon. I feel like I can't go to the concert now because I did not get enough sleep. I find that in every situation I have to make a strategy of how to go about it and if it veers off plan I go into a depression.

I am not able to just "enjoy" my life like most people can. My boyfriend's number one priority in life is to have fun and enjoy life and that upsets me because I feel like my life is about survival and making it one day to the next. I feel alone that he can't feel what I feel. On a Friday night when he wants to stay up late so he can just have a fun night he does not realize the thoughts going through my head are..." I need to fall asleep now, if I dont fall asleep now then I will either not sleep in and feel like crap the tomorrow or sleep in late and ruin my day. If I sleep in late then I am a piece of s*** that accomplished nothing for the day and my day will be completely messed up and I wont be able to enjoy tomorrow night. I need to rest this weekend. I am too old to stay up late anymore. this will never work." And this is like an almost weekly thought process that causes me so much exhaustion and constant fatigue because I in turn can't sleep worried about how I am not meeting my own expectations.

Anyways, These are just some examples of my every day life and the prison I feel that I am in. I really don't want to go on meds again but just wondering if there is anyone else out there who feels their anxiety taking over their life.