Pad, suicide is not/never the answer. I know it feels like you can't deal with this but your healing takes time. Start keeping a journal if you don't already have one, it helps. Write down everything you're feeling. Write in your journal however many times you need to. It could be numerous times during the day or night, write it down. Read about depression and understand how it works. Don't listen to people to tell you to snap out of it because a lot of people can't understand what we go through with depression. Medication only masks the problem. Try to get to the root of your depression and try to find out what triggered it or when it started. You may need to think back to your childhood. Talking helps also. Talk it out. This forum is a good place to start.

You may be convincing yourself that self medicating with alcohol and weed is helping you, but in fact its doing the exact opposite. Alcohol is a depressant and weed fractures your minds ability to focus or think rationally, to have any hope of engaging a safe or positive behavioral shift or coping skill.

Going in-patient is often not what we want or what we think we need, but it's often what is in our best interest and the thing that will get us through at these worst points. Once again its hard to make those thought out rational decision's when under the influence......

Thank you both for your support.

Pad,

I started having panic attacks a few weeks ago...and it was the hardest thing. I literally thought I was having heart problems and one of those attacks sent me to the ER. Fuck...excuse my french...it is fucking horrible. LOL. It drove my anxiety up the wall...even worst and worst...it affected me so badly b/c I became afraid to sleep...and do things...not knowing when they would come on.

But I often tell myself...that was the storm....and right now you're in a storm. Storms don't last forever. There will be a calm. I was so afraid of seeking help...b/c I was so afraid of what they would say was wrong with me...but now looking back...the agony of the unknown...and procrastination....the fear that I let grow inside my head was about 100000x worse that the actually shame/guilt/anxiety of getting help. I want you to realize you're not alone in this.

What's the worst that can happen if you get help? You have professionals who will care for you - that's a positive. You know others just like you have been there, you will not be an anomoly - that's a positive. You will feel better - that's a positive. That negative voice in your head...is not making you think straight.

You might want to think...if a good friend of mine was in this situation...what would I suggest? I think you will clearly see the solution then.

Sometimes the "fear" we perceive is really not as big as it is when we tackle it.

You don't have to fake a happy face...I've been there. I think you should really let those close to you know how you really feel. You might be surprised that some have been in your position or feeling the exact same way.

Remember there's no shame when there is empathy. You have empathy here...and I'm sure with those around you.

I will pray that you realize your fears are small compared to your strength. Because this is what I learned...it takes so much more energy and crazy...to beat myself up...and rake myself over the coals than it does to admit I need help and get it.

Peace and Good energy.