I had another meltdown over this prolonged covid crisis today.  I'm losing it.  To my surprise, though, when my feelings came out other people in the store started coming out of the woodwork saying they felt the same way.  I guess they just weren't showing it.  Because I have some issues with my emotions, they show a lot more.  I think my "disorder" if you want to term it that, is probably more of a disorder in regulating or reigning in my feelings.  I sense that many people actually share similar feelings; they just govern them better.

It feels like the never-ending battle of "because covid," literally every time I turn around.  Example: I have students for eight classes instead of six becuase there is no coverage in the classroom anymore and a labor shortage.  We clean the classrooms hourly due to virus.  Kids' family members are dying and I hear about it frequently.  The effects are manifold.

More effects: I needed shoes really, really, really badly this week as my job requires lots of standing and walking.  Without the right shoes, I'm in pretty intense pain that radiates up my body.  I walk into the shoe store.  Literally the entire section where I need shoes-the shelves are totally bare as far as my eye can see.  We are under pressure to dress better for work (because covid again) the student enrollment is declining.  The perception is if we look really great more students will come.  I don't know about this, but whatever...So I'm in the shoe store and I ask the guy what has happened. Before he answers I say, "because covid?" He says yep.  He says there are no shoes at the other locations either, that the supply chain is disrupted. He offers me a half-size up and down, but neither works; one won't stay on my feet and the other will probably remove my nails, literally; it's way too tight.  I'm just in disbelief and I desperately need shoes so I scavenge around the store and in the clearance there is one amazing, really great pair that works and supports me, so I take it. It's a miracle in my eyes. 

Because we were told as a staff that we didn't look good enough for work, and not professional; which really insults me, I've never been told this before, I make a store run to a local discount department store. Again, nothing there. I'm told they "don't sell skirts," anymore.  All the tops are either way too small for me or XXL.  Pants fit me terribly for a lot of reasons.  I start to panic and cry because my job depends on it.  Their in-store ordering Kiosk to order clothes doesn't work. If I shop from home I'm charged. Just broken, I ask for the manager.  The woman tries to dissuade me from the manager and I insist, demand.  He comes and I just burst open about the whole thing and start crying in front of him.

I ask him, "Where, can you give me an explanation, where are all the supplies-I find them nowhere-can't you tell me? Where? Where?" I'm sobbing and panicking, and I just overflow with Too Much Information, I tell him what's happening at work and how imperative that I need to look and present myself a certain way to keep the job. I'm falling apart at this point because I was out of work for five months prior, then I was sick for a week the moment I came back, and the jury is out whether it was covid..but anyway...

The manager handles it really well.  He seems to get it and explains that yes, there is a problem it's not my imagination, that supply chain is messed up bad because they can't find people to work and yes, covid. He said their district manager flew to CA to go to the warehouse because it was so bad.  Deliveries aren't being made. I was so releived that I finally got an honest straight answer from someone and the chaos at least made sense.  He told me how his sister/cousin is a teacher.  This guy is good with the nutty public like me, and encourages me too look in Juniors and some other places.  I finally relent and say, "I can't change it, I can't change it, I can't change it." (the situation)  So I determine to shop on the app and just see what's left over. I finally stumble across ONE skirt in my size in store-the last one they had.  But, with tops, my size isn't there. I'm a medium so I get the XXL. That's all there is, but it's not too bad, just a little big, and I will look better for work.

But, it took an emotional upheaval for me to finally get my head around how long it's all going on and the adjustment that has to happen internally. And most suprising, when people heard me crying, I felt like such an idiot, but a bunch of people started to come out of the woodwork and they came up to me. This one guy said, "Yep, know exactly what you are talking about."  And then I realize everyone else is going through the same thing....

Maybe the only difference between people with mood issues and everyone else is that we are more honest about how we actually feel. I don't know.