I feel soo stuck. Feeling like this, over and over and over, makes me feel suicidal. I have bad PTSD, plus I live in a somewhat abusive situation. So when I get triggered in a place where I have deep anger, I am finding out now that I am just spewing with hatred. I direct a lot of it toward myself, as a release for the anger. I have OCD tendencies, etc. which I am starting to come out of, and in doing so, realize that compulsions like those box me in very rigidly/harshly (it acts out a lot of self-hatred and stifles a lot of anger). Worst of all, I am finding that I inadvertently take it out on others. I think the basic deal is this: I feel profoundly defensive, in a state of self-hatred, triggered by people or memories of people who abused/shamed me severely. It is so overpowering for me, I just get stuck in that profoundly defensive place where I really believe that everyone is going to hate me, that I am gross and detestable. From there, it quickly becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Often when I am around people, I am so defensive, it comes across as almost hostile. Like I'll be physically frozen, icey, I often glare uncontrollably without really realizing it (unfortunately from my background, I wear a lot of emotions on my face). When people give me a weird look or don't receive me nicely, which as you can imagine happens regularly, I basically want to shut myself away and I get suicidal. I can't help feeling terrified and defensive, and overly wearing it on my sleeve. Naturally, sometimes others take it personally. I'm also overly paranoid that people will take it personally. Anyways, ALL of this, and it seems like it never ends. I feel like a horrible person, that I can't help being one, that I can't help making others feel uncomfortable at the least. The tragic part is oftentimes when I eventually relax around people, or if I'm not in that god-awful mood/PTSD-triggered state, I am a very fun, outgoing, kind, caring person. A lot of people love me when they get to know me in that state. I just keep getting profoundly trapped in these states.