From my experience and how you've described your current experience I think you might have depression. It's often defined as a state of hopelessness and symptoms include lack of interest in activities once enjoyed, self-harm, etc.

Luckily for you, you have joined this site and we are all here to help you. Contact me anytime.

The thing is I actually don't want to become better I enjoy this pain. Like I'm addicted to it. It makes me feel something. I have taken borderline pd test and the result was positive but I think that's because the picture of myself in my head is different from who i truely am. I wonder this affects your opinion because I don't think i have depression. Thank you for sharing your opinon.

It could be depression but only you can honestly say if the "symptoms" you're feeling is really depression, which could be of many kinds too. Like you, I often wondered if I have depression, sometimes still do, and like you I'm anxious of being diagnosed. If self-harming gets serious, you should consider getting help, it's the best thing you can do for yourself, but if it's something that you can manage, maybe you just need to look at the reasons of why you feel empty more closely. It could be that you're just looking for a deeper meaning in life and keeps getting frustrated. Addiction to pain can be an expression of wanting to feel alive! rather than living an empty monotonous life, it can really lead you to prefer pain than nothing at all.

I know exactly how you feel, I'm right there with you right now. I'm not sure I'm depressed. I don't really feel sad, don't have anything to be depressed about, just bored with everything. I have this pain and emptiness in my chest and I enjoy physical pain. I like cutting myself cause it makes me feel better, high almost. But I'm not really interested in what's wrong with me, just want everything to go away. I question why I'm still here, what I'm fighting for cause it just gets harder with each passing day. The only thing that gets me through each day now is trying to help the few good people I can find.

I think you are seeking a (specific) diagnosis. That has to come from a medical professional. THEN, you get effective treatment for it.

Thank you guys for helping. But what I meant is that I have obsession with getting diagnosed with something. Like I am obsessed woth being free and crazy. I wanna have some mental issue or I will feel normal and normal makes me bored. And being bored and empty makes me feel suicidal. I mean I'm tired of keeping myself back for my parents. I wanna do crazy things but I can't. And suicide is just because I am bored and for the sake of trying it. A lot of therapists have told me it's for attention. Maybe it is. But I wanna do something but seeing my parents getting hurt holds me back.