I've been posting on the boards about breakups and infidelity for the past few weeks. But this is all tipping over into my depression, and I need to throw something out here.
Without going into long detail, I recently had to end a relationship that I felt was the best ever in my life. I thought we were really happy together, I thought I finally, FINALLY had something good with a man. I'd been so happy the past 2 years. Then a few months ago I found out that he was having an affair with a woman online. He said he ended it, but it was obvious he hadn't--he just changed all his passcodes and started hiding his phone from me. After 3 months of suffering through the betrayal and the lies I finally felt I had to end the relationship and have him leave. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I am hurting horribly, and trying so hard to keep myself together.
I have a history of depression. I've been on anti-depressants for about 20 yrs now. I've been hospitalized (in patient) 2x, outpatient 3x. Been on all kinds of meds with good and bad results. I am fighting so hard to keep myself together after this breakup. I'm fighting so hard to keep going, keep working, stay out of the hospital. Fighting all the emotional and physical pain. This has been going on over 3 weeks now. I have good and bad days, but most of the time I'm in a really deep, dark place.
Last week my 36 yr old daughter had to go to the ER. She was admitted with a bleeding ulcer. The cauterization didn't work as planned and she was sent to a hospital 2 hrs away for additional treatment. Everyone is really concerned about her. I'M really concerned about her. But she's being taken care of, her problem is being resolved, and now she tells me she may be discharged this afternoon.
After the first few days after my breakup no one seems to be concerned about how I'm doing. Now, since my daughter was hospitalized, everyone's focus has been on her. I've gotten crap from my family that I'm not going to see her enough--hello? It's a four hour round trip--I have to take a day off from work just to visit her. My sister's been to see her--my sister's retired.
I have an appt with my therapist this afternoon. I really, really feel I need to go to this. I've been particularly depressed this past week. I have things running through my mind that I don't feel I can discuss with anyone else. So I asked my sister if she could pick up my daughter from the hospital so I don't miss my appt, and now everyone is mad at me. They don't seem to get that I'm sick too--I am fighting to keep from being hospitalized, trying to work, take care of myself, keep myself going when all I want to do is crawl into bed and cry. They KNOW depression is a real thing for me. They KNOW I've been hospitalized before, and struggling for a long time. But they don't seen to get that I am STILL hurting, STILL very depressed, STILL STRUGGLING. I'm here now writing this when I'm supposed to be working because I'm hurting that much right now. Instead I'm being made to feel like I'm an awful, selfish, uncaring person. I love my daughter, but my sister has nothing to do today--she can certainly pick my daughter up.
Am I being selfish and unreasonable by trying to take care of myself? No one else IS taking care of me. Everyone seems to forget I'm hurting.
I feel wiser than I used to be. Not that I was stupid. I will admit that if I could go back in time and change some things, I wouldn't hesitate one bit. I never would have met that monster. But also.. I couldn't have known. I don't think I'm happy. I just keep myself distracted. Being distracted is good. Boredom and too many thoughts cause me to live in a hell I create in my mind. I can't deal...
Well I had an interesting therapy session last week. My therapist told me that she doesn't know what trauma work is, that she doesent treat DID. She was very defensive and stern when I asked her what her treatment plan was for us. I left feeling very hurt and angry because I worked so hard for so long on all of this trauma that to hear I don't know what trauma work is really invalidates me, it...