I've been avoiding being alone for some time now. I do wait in the car for about 10-20 minutes every day before I go to work. I take extra time so that even if traffic was horrible or I missed an exit I would still be on time. So that's how I usually have 20 minutes to sit in the car and try to have a clear thought though I'm feeling tired and empty. Work is lonely because of a language barrier and because I'm still kind of new. I also get really upset anytime I don't understand something immediately and it makes me feel like I can't make it even though I've already been working for 6 weeks. I'm really tired every day because work starts at 6:40 and I have to drive around one hour to get there. (So I get up at 5). I've been staying up late nevertheless because I was living with my bf and he stays up later. (Probably not good behavior on my part.)

But now I'm alone in my apartment and I can't just leave and get distracted. I'm tired so I hope I will sleep soon. I have a lot of sleep to catch up on. Then I have a long day tomorrow. I'm not sure stressed is the right word to describe how I feel but it's definitely a part of how I feel. I feel doubtful and like I won't make it and then my whole family will redicule me because I kept them in my life like an idiot. 

But I'm at the point where I haven't failed yet so I need to keep going. It's so mind-numbing. The pressure I put on myself and the outside pressure plus the small failures every day. I'm just a student btw so even though I work at that place I'll not get payed. Actually I'm getting in debt for the privilege of cleaning other people's butt. (Nursing) 

There's good moments too though. I wonder if I should be in a relationship at all. There's good times and there's a lot of support and stability but it's so hard to trust anyone and also because it's been going on for so long I'm beginning to worry about whether he wants to move on to a more serious relationship. I can't do that. I think I can't do that. I'm too young. (21). Actually I don't think it's my age at all. It's me. I've always been that way. Maybe one day I'll change but I honestly hope he'll be happy with someone else then. I don't know if I can ever get my shit together. I worry for the both of us when this relationship ends even though we're actually in a good spot right now. We're in a good spot but some part of me has always wanted out. I mean the I love yous but also I'm crippled by fear. Committing to someone and taking on responsibility for all of the actions you take in the next 20-30 years alone is bongus. I might very well do some pretty dumb shit in the next 20-30 years. Heck that isn't even in my control. What if I disappoint everyone that loves me and turn out to be a big failure? I don't know if I'm willing to take that risk. But then of course if I pre-emptively dump him he can still end up being badly treated by someone else so... ... It's just really hard. Of course the whole commitment bs gets blown up any time I talk to my family. I grew up with the idea that all relationships eventually turn to marriage because it's what they in one way or another keep saying to me. Never mind the emotional damage it causes me because I can't stand that thought right now. (Yes I blame them for emotional messes inside of me. They play into those things a lot. How dumb am I for talking to them?)

I just long for a place where I don't have to face those things anymore. No more pressure and no more horror stories. 

I'm dating a foreigner and apparently it's an accepted reaction to this piece of information to start  telling about horrible crimes committed by someone from the same nationality. Imagine turning that around like "oh what you're dating a german guy I heard of that one german guy who killed his wife and kids in a psychotic break, also aren't they like super rude tourists who wear socks with sandals?" <- it does sound that stupid to me. Refugee crisis got people talking about stuff like that but seriously? Have some common sense. I've been living with the guy for a few months. Dating for almost a year. I steal his blanket every night. I cuddle attack him. But sure. Next time I steal his blanket he'll probably turn into a jihadist and he will blow up the building? Sounds legit. Seriously how is that an acceptable thing to assume about someone you don't know? (The people who say that cultural differences will eventually show up are better but again I wonder why it seems to matter so much to some people) I don't really care but it kinda sucks that my bf and my dad started out quite badly because my dad assumed stuff like that. On the other hand I had reasons not to talk to my dad before this. 

Anyways... I'm coping. I feel disconnected and lonely except for my bf that I'll dump because I'm a mess or maybe I won't but we'll see about that. I wish I knew what would make me happy. At the time I'm just struggling to make it through the day quite often.