My father committed suicide 24yrs ago, when I was 24yrs - half my life.  I never had a good relationship with my mother and she died in 2002 leaving me nothing in her will.  I have one sister who wont talk to any of us, one sister who wont talk to me only when I do all the chasing which I have stopped doing and one brother who only rings me when he needs to talk about his divorce.  My siblings are all much older than me as they were mid-late teens when I was born so by the time I was 5yrs they had all left home.  

I married when I was 27yrs, had 7 kids but that didn't work out, ex husband walked out and because of my depression he was handed the kids, I had to sell my home and give him half the profit which wasn't that much.  with my husband I held it together, sure we would fight but we both stuck at it until my 4th pregnancy when I lost one of my identical twins to still birth.  Then even though we were still having children we really grew apart.  I lost another baby to miscariage after that.  My ex always worked and climbed the ladder, he was a good provider, but he had to travel a lot and I was stuck at home with the babies and I gave up my career as a dance teacher for his which now I really regret.  

Anyway to the problem at  hand,  I feel so alone,  I have married again to a lovely man who would give me the world, but he just doesn't know me.  No one knows me.  Partly because I won't let anyone in.  My ex is an ass with visitation and if it is not written in black and white on the court orders he won't allow extra visits like birthdays.  It was my 13yr olds birthday on Monday and I went and saw him for 5 mins and it is my other son's birthday on the 13th he will be turning 18yrs and that makes him an adult but he is still reluctant to come out with me for his birthday as it will upset his father, so he told me not to organise anything, so I feel shattered.  I'm just the incubator.

With my husband, we  have been having all sorts of problems, like last night when my son said not to organise the dinner for his 18th, I felt so low, even too low to attempt suicide, I just couldn't be bothered.  My husband asked if I was OK and I said I was fine so he left to go to a CoDA meeting which he started, but I had put myself to bed before he left as I was feeling terrible and he still went.  I just wanted some one to be present but I had no one.  

I was at my lowest and I was alone.  I have always been alone even when my ex and I were married and we had the kids, I've had to do things all myselft like take them to sports, my ex just sat on the couch and drank.  He is reformed now with his new wife and he is now seen as fulfilling all the kids needs.  I'm seen as the one with mental problems and has to be supervised by an older child when I see the younger ones.  The youngest is 10yrs but they still don't trust me with the younger three alone.  I have never hurt my children.  I love them, I miss them.

I'm tired of being alone