Hi M3333 It sounds like you have an emergency going on. There is a horrible shortage of mental health services available. Your life is important. Please ask your husband or someone else to take you to an emergency room tomorrow and then call you primary doctor for help with a referral.
And as hard as it can be, I think it's important to be honest. There is no shame in feeling suicidal. The shame comes when you do nothing.
Feel free to pm me.

I am sorry you are having these troubles. It must be just a nightmare. Very hard. One thing that may help even though it may sound odd, would be eating less carbs andceating more protien. Sounds silly but it may be a help. I hope you are safe.

i'm sorry you are feeling so desperate. therapists can be such a let down. in so many ways. i'm so sorry that you are going through this. can you go to a medical doctor and talk to them ? keep us posted here. if it helps any, I think many of us here understand how you feel. maybe you should try to talk to your husband. maybe he could at least help you look for therapy. hang in there

i understand, here are resourses found on this site=====
USA: Hopeline (Suicide): 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
USA: Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-8255)
USA: Teen Covenant House Nineline: 1-800-999-9999
USA: SOS Teen Hotline: 1-800-355-0660
USA: Directory of local helplines / centers
UK: Samaritans (Nat'l and local): 116 123 or jo@samaritans.org
CAN: Directory of helplines / centers
Global directory of suicide hotlines
and there are local ones near you,, dont understand why your not telling your husband, you said you didnt want to scare him? god, think how he would feel seeing you hanging in a room when he came home. it would be much worse then scared. if he knew at least you have a person to talk to and help you find help, thats what married people do, they communicate with each other. not talking anymore is how relationships fail, it happens EVERY time. So really the first person to talk to is your husband,, then a therapist please do that in that order. people need other people when they feel this way, please dont do this alone unless you have to, but since you have a husband, there is no reason to be alone.

Thank you all so much for your help. I guess I didn’t want to tell my husband too much because I already told him that I was having ideations and told him I was scared, and asked him to help me find a therapist because I was having trouble. He helped a little and then seemed like he forgot about it. I assume he didn’t understand how intense it was. I didn’t push it because I had postpartum depression several years ago and he was my hero, but it really freaked him out and made him suffer. I have been trying really hard to take responsibility for my health this time before it got this bad. I also told my mom and she seemed sad for me, and then acted like we hadn’t talked about it. I actually attempted suicide in high school and my parents helped me by giving me medicine to vomit up the pills and helped me find a therapist. When I mentioned that, she said she didn’t remember it happening... which shocked me. I think maybe I stopped talking about it because I didn’t know what else to say. I asked for help, and the two people I trusted most didn’t seem to take it seriously. I know this is my responsibility, and as someone who’s been through this cycle a number of times, I think everyone is tired of it, and I don’t blame them. I’m tired of it, too. I really don’t want to be a burden.

Until you find the care you need, rely on the CRISIS numbers posted above (thank you Annie T).

The ER is not advised unless you are truly injured ... if you go to ER because you are thinking suicide ... you will probably only end up with a huge ER bill. They don't DO suicide PREVENTION. Go someplace that does.

Like you said ... I don't think you WANT to kill yourself. The problem is the persistent ideation. That will take a therapist to get involved.

Further .. I don't think Husband or Mom doesn't care. I think they have NO CLUE what to do ... and how would they? Take this problem to the medical profession ... who CAN help you.

Suicide is a VERY bad idea ... for the victim and a hell of a lot of other people.

I really appreciate all your responses. My husband came home early today to spend time with me, and we talked it through and made a plan. Then he called the insurance company and called therapist after therapist until someone said they would see me. It has been ridiculous- we had to call almost 20 numbers before we found someone with room who accepted my insurance, and we got all the numbers from my insurance company. I don’t understand why they keep such inaccurate records. If I didn’t have support, I would have already given up. I can’t imagine going through this alone.

What an awesome hubby you have! He loves you, clearly and needs you and wants you with him! You took the important steps of telling him and talking here. Keep doing it. Your screen name makes me wonder if you have kids? If so, how old are they? They need you to, regardless of their ages. So does your mom. Really. And, you need them. Keep reaching out. What's causing the issues, do you know? Hope this therapist can help.

yeah UP TO 72 hours in then out then a huge bill. You are discharged as soon as they are convinced you are not an immediate threat. That is about all one gets. We do not have free medical care in the US that I know of. ER is intended to save one's life from injury.