I don't know where to begin with this. But I'll try my best.
I first came to DS years ago, and tonight I have found myself here again, hoping that I can't beat this.
I have been through hell and back with my husband. He cheated on me on his first Father's Day back in 2003. He used to beat me. He used to hurt me physically and mentally. But I stuck with him, no matter what.
It was worth it 100%. Things got better and he stopped hitting me (it's been YEARS). We both had changed.
But just when I began trusting him again, I found out about a girl he met online. He was acting strange, hiding their conversations. I knew something was going on. I knew it in my gut. So finally I checked his computer last Thursday. It was the day after our 9th wedding anniversary. Of course, I had been right all along. Something had been going on, and it was more than an innocent friendship.
So without going into too much detail, I am all alone.
We're still together. He seems to be trying, but I just don't believe that he cares.
I live 600 miles from my family and friends. We just moved here 6 months ago, and I'm finding it difficult to adjust. I love our house, it's what we both had been dreaming of all these years. But I feel so isolated.
Then I found out about the cheating.
I have been planning my death for a few months now. I found a way to do it where I won't harm my internal organs since my dad needs my kidneys (he has end-stage renal failure and needs a transplant). I have it all figured out. The only thing stopping me is the fact that my dad might not be healthy enough for a transplant yet. And yes, I know I can donate without dying.
So here I sit, feeling like I can't breathe. I feel like I'm in a dark hole with no way of climbing out. I can't see light, only darkness and despair.
On my way home from work, I was crossing railroad tracks and I stopped on them for a second, just as the red lights began to flash. I thought "I can just sit here and let it take me." I wanted to do it. I wanted it to happen. I was pissed at myself for not going through with it. I'm still wishing I had. But then I think about it and remember that I have the option to do it at any time, and I have to make sure it's clean so my dad have a kidney, or both if possible.
The only thing I want is death. I don't want anything else. If someone asked me what I wanted to do tomorrow, my answer would be "I want to die". I just don't see any other way to make the pain stop.
I told my husband about my plan to kill myself (and it's a brilliant plan that would certainly work without any chance of survival). All he said was "And just how can I afford to send your body back home to your parents? I can't afford that." He didn't say he needs me. He didn't say he loves me. He didn't tell me not to do it.
I have tried several times to talk to him about it, but he doesn't think I'm serious. That just makes me want to do it even more.
Basically, it's not a matter of "if", it's a matter of "when". I almost did it tonight. In fact, had I not just cashed my paycheck, I would have done it. But I wanted to make sure he got the money that was in my purse. If not for that, I wouldn't be typing this right now.
I just cannot find a reason to live. I cannot find hope. I cannot find happiness. I'm all alone in the darkness and I'm struggling to breathe.