Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
This probably belongs in the paranoia or PTSD group, but I find those groups too be too overwhelming to visit so I am posting it here at the depression groups since I do also have chronic depression. My problem is that I live in a state of constant fear and paranoia. I had horrible things done to me when I was a child and I have an awful fear of them happening again. I am convinced that someone is going to grab me, put me on a car and take me to a place where I will (again) be tortured and brainwashed like I was as a child. The other thing is that I blame myself for being in this situation since I live in a house that belongs to my dad who was one of many abusers back then. It's a nice house, but I don't feel safe here and the fact that my dad knows where I am makes life unbearable for me. The only time I can stop feeling afraid is when we go on vacation and my dad doesn't know where I am. And there were many people who were part of my abuse who I was never able to identify so I am now afraid of everyone, wondering if that person is still out to get me.
Supposedly my dad bought us this house and has paid for many other things for us as a way to make up for the past. He knows that I am severely mentally ill, but we have never discussed the worst parts of the abuse and he has never actually apologized for any of it. Yes the obvious answer would be to leave and never come back, but my husband's job is here and right now I just can't get up and leave with out a way to do it, money to do it with, etc. Also my dad is old and in poor health so in reality he is probably not planning to do anything more to me. Also he is now a Christian and goes to church so again he is probably not planning on hurting me again at this point. Still I can't stop living in constant fear and it has really added to the wreckage of my life.
Supposedly my dad bought us this house and has paid for many other things for us as a way to make up for the past. He knows that I am severely mentally ill, but we have never discussed the worst parts of the abuse and he has never actually apologized for any of it. Yes the obvious answer would be to leave and never come back, but my husband's job is here and right now I just can't get up and leave with out a way to do it, money to do it with, etc. Also my dad is old and in poor health so in reality he is probably not planning to do anything more to me. Also he is now a Christian and goes to church so again he is probably not planning on hurting me again at this point. Still I can't stop living in constant fear and it has really added to the wreckage of my life.
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Just thought I would join this group now that I am a widower. My wife passed away May 28th. She was "The Wind Beneath My Wings". When I met her, I was a drunken, dope smoking, fighting, hell raising biker. She told me if I could get rid of the inner storm within me, that I could be a blessing to people. God placed her in my path to stop me. I have been drug and alcohol free now for 53...
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My husband and I got our foster license last month, after 3 years of hard work (we had to start over multiple times due to family dramas and Mom's open heart surgery). We spent a year preparing the whole house, guest rooms, and children's bathroom for older kids of 7 yr old and up. Then we got a call that we have been approved to receive twin newborn premies. What, what?!! Babies!? Premies?!...
No amount of money or payment makes up for anything you endured, and you may not be able to move right now, but you would be so much better off moving and not accepting anything.
Sending you good thoughts.
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The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. Ernest Hemingway
You sound like you have a relationship with your father. Write him a letter. Say all the things you want to say. Put it away, take it out and read it. Do you want him to know how you feel? Maybe if you get out the hurt and anger you can move on.
People took away your childhood. Don't let them have the rest of your life. No one should suffer from what was done to them as a child for an entire life time.
Warm and protective hugs
I am glad your father is a Christian now and that part of his past is passed however, forgiveness is something only you can give.
He should ask for forgiveness but, if he doesn't, do what you can to forgive him. You said he is old and in poor health. He evidently is in no shape to ever harm you again. If you can, resolve what you can with him before he passes from this life. This is hard to do and only you can decide whether you are strong enough to do this or, even if you want to.
I will PM you about forgiveness and then, you decide how you wish to proceed or not proceed.