Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Afraid, that's how I felt last night and still do right now. I'm afraid of the past, the future, of success, of failure. I'm afraid of the past because I think I screw up too much to fix the present. If I had done things differently, maybe I could have blunted this illness' effect on me. My present might have been brighter.
I'm afraid of the present because of how it is with its darkness and despair, not being able to feel happy while everyone else can and think I can somehow will it. I'm aware of my limitations and how they show I can't change. If I were to succeed at something, I'd fail to repeat it. However, it's likely I'll fail as I always do. Not that it matters as I could succed in all endevours and still feel nothing. No sense of accomplishment, no pride. That's the real world, where I can't function. I do well in a classroom, but practical application is the complete opposite. I have no imagination or creatvity that would allow me to adapt my supposed intelligence to the real world. Yet, I'm called arrogant.
I'm afraid of the future because this hell will only continue. 90+ years is not unusual in my family. I don't think I can't stand 60 more years of this. I've been called courageous for living with my depression. It's not courage that have gotten me this far, but fear. Fear of what if I tried to end it and failed. Fear that what may come after this life maybe worse. In this screwy world, performing physical feats is considfed courageous. It's usuall all you hear or see of it. Jumping out of a plane, etc is supposedly living life to its fullest. I've walked on the ledge of the then-First Interstate (now US Bank) Tower in Los Angeles. It wasn't courage, I just didn't care if I fell. I wish I could say I did't care about the future, but I do as I just wish this pain would stop. I'm tired of being an anomaly. The world will move on and I'll remain the same. The same person as I was 20 years ago and the same I'll be 20 years from now.
Before the darkness, I had three simple goals: friendship,true love and a good home (I got them off a comic book character, evidence of my lack of imagination even then). They've been tossed aside years ago. The world has shown it can function without me and probasbly would have been better if I weren't here causing problems and screwing things and people up. "A Wonderful Life" it is not. "No man is poor if he has friends." It's so muc easier here on DS. I can take 5 mins for a response in chat or 2 hours for a post. Yet, IRL, I'm alone. A large part of me doesn't care, but a small part does. Maybe because its afraid it's another sign of my failure. In the end, there will only be the priest and the gravedigger.
I'm afraid of the present because of how it is with its darkness and despair, not being able to feel happy while everyone else can and think I can somehow will it. I'm aware of my limitations and how they show I can't change. If I were to succeed at something, I'd fail to repeat it. However, it's likely I'll fail as I always do. Not that it matters as I could succed in all endevours and still feel nothing. No sense of accomplishment, no pride. That's the real world, where I can't function. I do well in a classroom, but practical application is the complete opposite. I have no imagination or creatvity that would allow me to adapt my supposed intelligence to the real world. Yet, I'm called arrogant.
I'm afraid of the future because this hell will only continue. 90+ years is not unusual in my family. I don't think I can't stand 60 more years of this. I've been called courageous for living with my depression. It's not courage that have gotten me this far, but fear. Fear of what if I tried to end it and failed. Fear that what may come after this life maybe worse. In this screwy world, performing physical feats is considfed courageous. It's usuall all you hear or see of it. Jumping out of a plane, etc is supposedly living life to its fullest. I've walked on the ledge of the then-First Interstate (now US Bank) Tower in Los Angeles. It wasn't courage, I just didn't care if I fell. I wish I could say I did't care about the future, but I do as I just wish this pain would stop. I'm tired of being an anomaly. The world will move on and I'll remain the same. The same person as I was 20 years ago and the same I'll be 20 years from now.
Before the darkness, I had three simple goals: friendship,true love and a good home (I got them off a comic book character, evidence of my lack of imagination even then). They've been tossed aside years ago. The world has shown it can function without me and probasbly would have been better if I weren't here causing problems and screwing things and people up. "A Wonderful Life" it is not. "No man is poor if he has friends." It's so muc easier here on DS. I can take 5 mins for a response in chat or 2 hours for a post. Yet, IRL, I'm alone. A large part of me doesn't care, but a small part does. Maybe because its afraid it's another sign of my failure. In the end, there will only be the priest and the gravedigger.
The future we have no control over it, we can make plans but these plans are never sure to happen.
We only have the now this moment; it is up to us if we allow fear to spoil this moment.
More than 75% of the things I worried or was scared about never happened it is distorted thoughts that fill our minds they seam real but think back and challenge most of the things you have worried about. Did they happen?
Today I will not be afraid of anything. If my mind is clouded by nameless dreads.
I will track them down and expose their unreality. I will remind myself I am in charge of my day and me, tell myself what happened yesterday, the past would not happen today.
This is a brand New Shinning day and I have it in my power to make it a good one by the way I want it and think it should be and what I choose to do with it fear free.
I will not be so ready to entertain fears of what might happen. If I concentrate on today
There will be no room in my mind for fret and worrying I will fill this day with good things and once this day is over I will look back and be satisfied that there was no fear.
We can choose to be brave; having courage doesn't mean that we are with out fear. It means only that we decide to act in spite of these fears.
We become scared of our own shadow we find things to make us afraid and worry.
Where can we find the courage we once had, it has to be buried somewhere deep down.
We have to face our fears, worries and challenge how real they are we tend to judge our fears from past experiences, or future things we anticipate will happen we dont know any better. We should not blame ourselves we have had a tough life and many things negative have happened in the past and we become addicted to expect the worst.
The future is just that it has not arrived yet and we have no control over it we can make plans and look forward but we can not control the outcome so dont waste fear or worry.
What we do have and can do a lot about is the Moment we have a choice enjoy it or be sad any one can enjoy one moment we dont have to think we can do it for the rest of our lives but if we try each moment to be happy and fearless, it will soon become a habit and we will be able to let joy and a little happiness back in to our life it is only for a Moment.
Fear is not always bad though. It can be debilitating if you let it but it can also be motivating.
CloudStrife and Scotsman make some excellent points here. And just by posting this I think is a great step towards moving past that fear. I know it's different and sometimes harder in real life. i have the same problem at times. i can be so honest and open here with my feelings but often can't seem to express the feelings IRL.
You don't have to always be alone. Try taking baby steps to get out and meet new people. Maybe even find a support group near you that will help you.
I hear you about the fear. I am the one that screwed up my own life, and therefore sometimes feel I get what I deserve in the future, and now.
You never know what might be around the corner, and that is enough to keep me going. I guess that's called Hope.
I do know for a fact that we are our biggest critics. And, yes, the world, sadly, will go on w/o any of us here, but just b/c it does, it doesn't mean that it will be quite the same or better w/o you, me, or any of us.
Life, for me, too, is so much easier here on DS. I spend time here more than I should I guess, so I know what you mean. I'm sorry that I'm not being helpful, I just want to express that I do understand how you feel in a lot of what you said. *gentle hugs* to you.