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normally I don't have problems with this. My parents 50th wedding aniv is this year. Me, my daughter and my first cousin are working together to plan a suprise party for them. so I have another female who married into the family. We agreed not to tell her because she is a nightmare. she wants to completely take over everything, I mean every freaking detail. she has a lot of problems with her health, is often going out with extremely greasy hair and she has green teeth. I always have tried to make her feel like part of the family, but she goes nuts when it comes to big events in the family. so she found out by tricking my daughter into telling her, and now has already started, she just shows up at my house and we have already reserved the place were are going to have it, and she is insisting on having it where she thinks it should be and they don't have what this place she wants to have it at has, and blah blah blah. She sat there and talked to me for an hour or more, even though I told them I was sick. Being rude to her is not an option, because my parents are in frail health and her husband does alot for them like mowing the lawn, weed eating all thier property, things like that. The other thing is I feel sorry for this woman because I know she wants to feel included.
For example, "We chose the facility based on the needs, that decision is firm, and we are now focusing on other issues."
Controlling people like to find holes in your resistance, and they see changing words as a chance to exploit things.
It may help to give her some small self contained part of the project to work on. (Or it may give her a chance to try to make that part grow.)
My opinion is that things like a big party for aging parents is that it is to be controlled by blood relatives and "in-laws" need to take a step back and assist as allowed. Have you tried telling her that "If this was a party for your parents, my daughter and I would follow your lead; we request that you do the same!"? Likewise, keep your voice calm, etc etc etc.
Have you appealed to your brother to help reign in his wife?
Gentle hugs
On planning an event like this there are plenty of areas she can assist or be included in. I am not a fan of the use of "We have..." or any qua-say exclusionary wording. Since as you say the next generation has made the party plans. You can deflect by complimenting her choice but say that you fully support the decision of your daughter and first cousin. Though you would like to keep the idea venue for the future sometime.
I am sure they have made a list of wants for the occasion.
Another option of inclusion might be the personnel support of preparation. Something like a outfit shipping for the event, hair appointment or mani -pedi....these might help her concentrate in her presentation in a inclusive camaraderie.
Of she does any crafty things...maybe hand made cards that are at each place setting so that the guest can express their thoughts and love of the couple, Things like questions of secrets to long lasting companionship? How they may have inspired the writer? etc...
Or collect photos/videos off the social sites/ email of guests that would truly like to make it but cannot and create a video or collection of the distant well wishers, for the couple.
Ideas are popping in my head, but I know great planning takes prep and delegation, and sharing the load helps people feel included.
J.