I can't sleep. 

There's a good chance a lot of my mental development regarding trauma could have been speaded up if I had just listened to the voices in my head. Self-love. It's tricky.

It's hard to accept things that make you sadder. It took me some time but I'm beginning to stabilize in a new reality. It still makes me sick to think about it. Funny how I can say it makes me sick, but it's the healthy thing to do nevertheless. 

Reality made me sick. Had I been living in a different world, I'd be healthy. My love for sci-fi seems to have set me up for disappointment. It's ok. I love sci-fi anyways. 

I'm at a place where I can chose whether I feel strongly or not. I think I've always had both the fear of strong feelings on the one hand, and on the other hand the need to feel something, to know that I am alive. 

I wish my life had been different. I haven't accepted yet what I will ultimately utililize and make beautiful through art and through changing my thought structures. I need something positive and secure that I can hold on to. Then I can let go of what I held onto before. There can never be nothing. Nothing is worse than everything else. 

Trust needs time. I need time. It's good to be patient. I wish life had been different. It would have been better for me. 

But that's what you do with your sad memories. You find the positive and you polish them, make them clear. Name everything. It's your own personal artwork, a memory in your head. 

I wish things had been different. But that's just grief, and it's part of it. Part of life and part of art. 

Now I've detached from feelings. I need to remember to feel them some time so that they don't overwhelm me unexpectedly. 

I know how I feel. But sometimes you gotta stick your head out of the water and take a few breaths. I deserve to be happy. I wish time could stop. There never seems to be enough time. I get overwhelmed by feelings because I forget I had them. Self-love. Self-care. 

So many things turned out to be unreal. I'm creating my own reality through beliefs. Beliefs that are based on something, but just beliefs nevertheless. I'm a strong believer in the idea that a belief being helpful is more important than a belief being true. If you're going to believe in something and I think everyone believes in something, you can never know if it's true. That's why it's called belief. 

I wish things had been different. Somewhere right now there is a family and they are having dinner and all of them have a good relationship with one another. They might not appreciate even fully what they have, never fell so deep. But there is happiness. It's possible. 

I wish things had been different. 

Well there's only the future now.