I just woke up from trying to take a nap. The worst part about it was that I woke up in a panic attack, remembering how my mother kicked me out of the house over something I said while I was drugged. I'd swallowed a bottle of pills in an attempt to kill myself and instead I woke up in the hospital dazed with a severe headache. Apparently I told my mom that if I continued living with her, I'd continue to self-harm. Next thing I know, while I'm in the mental hospital, my dad calls me and tells me that my "mom" no longer wants me living with her...months later when I've finally stopped going in and out of psych wards, they have a meeting with me...my mom, step mom, dad, and grandmother. Originally, they were going to hound on me because they thought I was trying to manipulate them. They don't understand...my mom said that I would be able to live with her again once I get on my medications. Weeks later, I'm on my meds, I'm on my meds, and I call her and ask if I can live with her again. She said that "we'd already established this" and that I was "never coming back."....this was two or three years ago. 

I woke up remembering the pain she wrought on me while I was at my lowest point, and the first thing on my mind is to cut until I pass out like I did two days ago. I don't have a mother...my family doesn't understand my pain, I might as well be called an orphan, because my own "family" causes me more pain than a razor and hundreds of cuts on my arms. Anyway, I'm done venting...I seriously need to cut now...so much for a "happy new year"...