You'd think being a 16 year old girl, I wouldn't need so much therapy.  Whenever I try talking to friends I hear the same thing:  "You're an only child! Your mother is so sweet.  You have such a nice house.  I would kill to be you." Little do they know that i've grown up with a bipolar mother who puts all the blame onto me, her only child.  My one and only ex kept pushing me and touched me without my consent on multiple occasions.  My best friend of 9 years had left me.  I can still see everything vividly before me.  

Beginning with my mother, I was not informed she was bipolar until last year.  I knew something was wrong however I was kept in the dark about it.  I often tell my grandma and father that you'd think they would have put me in therapy from a young age due to having a bipolar mother.  They say that it was due to the fact I never said anything and they didn't think anything happened between us - but things did happen.  I was mainly verbally abused and blamed, her only slapping me one time when I was 6 years old.  I would be alone in the house with her, so whenever she was angry I would watch as she threw anything in her hand onto the ground.  It wasn't until last year that it was directed at me, and badly.

I wasn't feeling well one day.  I'm often in bed due to bad period cramps, allergies, and depression. My mother also has OCD, depression, anxiety as well as ADHD.  She wanted the entire house cleaned, right that instant.  I told her I wasn't feeling well and so she grabbed my ankle and tried yanking me out of bed.  She yelled and belittled me and I was terrified so I called my grandmother and spent the night at her place.  I talked to her because her house is my only safe place and my mom called trying to "explain her side" by basically saying how horrible I am so my grandmother simply shut her down and hung up.  The next day I had a volleyball game and I thought she had calmed down. Well, she was calm, until we went to eat out afterwards.  I was with my other grandparents and cousin.  After we sat down at the table my mom whispered to me, "What did your other grandmother say to you last night?"  I told her we shouldn't talk about this right now and should instead enjoy lunch.  Well, that wasn't the answer she wanted as she started trying to grip my phone by clawing at my hands and screaming at me in the middle of the resteraunt.  I was mortified and her mother tried to calm her down.  My younger cousin started crying as she has bad anxiety and situation stressed her out so once I got out of her grip I took my cousin and we ran outside to get away from her.  Eventually my mom left, however that didn't stop her from calling both her mother and me.  She was trying to guilt trip me and when my grandmother was trying to protect me, she told her to "go to hell."  I called my father and asked if I could spend another night out and my grandmothers so he grabbed extra stuff and brought it to the restaurant.  Well, my mother came back still angry.  She was yelling and crying at us, pushing my father around and I stayed inside as he and her mother talked to her.  That was the end of that weekend.

Then, this past weekend something frustrating happened.  I was out at my friends place during a big snow storm and my dad was out working.  Because school was cancelled the next day I asked if I could sleepover another night to which she said yes, no problems.  Then about two hours later when I'm at the store with my friends she calls me, telling me I'm not allowed to talk.  She began to yell at me, saying I was selfish for asking to spend another night with my friends.  She said by doing so I would have to give my whole next day to her, I had to do whatever she wanted such as cleaning, schoolwork, anything. She said I was manipulative and couldn't say I wasn't feeling well and had to do anything and everything. Every time I spoke she yelled at me saying I didn't have a right to speak.  The next day, while she was better, she said that I "embarrassed" her . . . however she didn't bother to think maybe it was embarassing for me to yell at me in front of my friends.

She is an ultimate control freak and wants to control my grades, any plans I have of the future have to be near her and whenever I go somewhere she expects me to update almost 24/7.  She gets defensive easily and I think flat out pretends she isn't bipolar.  Shes so focused on looks as well, caring much more about her appearance.  Often I feel she doesn't do things just to be nice, but she does it for praise and attention.  I'm not allowed to talk to anyone about anything because she doesn't want her image being destroyed but doesn;t bother thinking about changing it.  While sure she can be nice, she'll buy stuff for me and we can hang out, it doesn't change the fact she still hurt me and she gets mad if I'm still upset after she apolgizes.  She almost expects me to be totally find after a simple "sorry" and maybe a starbucks, but its deeper than that.  When I was young she'd tell me I wasnt allowed to tell anyone about things that happened between us, or if she messed up she'd tell me that she does so many nice things for me and I'm so much luckier than other kids and it kinda made my self esteem really bad.  I feel like everything I do is wrong to this day.

You see, I had a best friend of nine years.  I was always there, I spent all the money I got on her because I just wanted to see her happy.  Freshman year she shut me out completely.  Whenever I tried talking to her she'd ignore me or end the conversation, she would insult me and make fun of me which hurt a lot.  I didn't understand.  There was also another girl who I was friends with for about two years that suddenly turned on me freshman year.  During 8th grade, she would throw stuff at me and laugh at me to the point I was mumbling.  My other two friends followed in as she had that controlling personality.  She didn't like me due to the fact that I would speak up if I felt like she was doing something wrong which she did not approve of at all.  During a sleepover I ended up going home in the middle of the night crying because of her, but said I just had really bad cramps.  I tried making up with her freshman year, we had a talk and hugged.  The  a few days later when I went up to hug her and she told me "don't fucking touch me."  Well, I didn't and we didn't talk since.  I mean, I've also never been popular with the girls on my soccer team but that never really bothered me much.  Third grade was hard though as the queen bee of the class did not like me at all, therefore whenever a friend came over we couldn't let anyone know and I was left all by myself.  She talked about me behind my back which was also not very fun.

Finally, we talk about my ex.  It's the last thing I swear.  So I liked him for about eight months, and when his girlfriend broke up with him he got together with me.  I was blinded a lot.  He suffered from depression and other issues and I would always be there for him, however when I told him I was having a rough day and just needed a hug, he would always keep asking to touch me or french kiss.  If I let him touch me, he would say "oh you're the best."  It made me feel worthless.  Even if I kept saying no one day he would touch me and then laugh it off as a joke.  Needless to say I broke up with him, and then I found out him and my current new best friend at the time dated.  WITHOUT TELLING ME.  This wasn't even a month later.  It hurt because I thought we were all friends and when I said I was upset he told me to stop being a whiney brat and stop getting upset over something so small.  Needless to say, she broke up with him later and now he's asking my two friends for nudes and is basically trying to hop from one girl to another.  I wanted to save my first kiss and my first boyfriend/girlfriend for someone special, and that turned out utterly horrible.  

Needless to say, I hate highschool and have a lot of doubt in myself and the people around me.  I'm working on my confidence and trying to get better, I've been taking my medicine and seeing a therapist however it's still hard.

I just wanted to get that all out.