Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I don't know if this can be considered a negative post or not - so I'll leave it to your discretion whether you wish to read it or not -
The last time I went to see my therapist - he gave me some homework based on something I told him ... This Wednesday, is my next session with him so I am going to start trying to complete my Homework assignment today - yes...I've been thinking about it and I pretty much know the answer but I am an INTROVERTED PERFECTIONIST so I need to get it down just right - so here goes.
In our last session, I mentioned that I have noticed that in the last 18 months, I've regressed back into my CHILDHOOD/ADOLESCENCE. I also told him that for a very long time, I had physically aged but mentally, I didn't feel like an adult but I felt stuck at 16. Why? I don't know...I just noticed one day after I turned 40 that I no longer felt like I had felt before - like I was 16 - now I felt like I was my age - and that really saddened me, at the time. Now! Fast forward to today, and I feel like a 94 year old 49 year old who want to go back and be a 9 year old -OR- at least a 16-26 y/o!
His homework assignment for me was to write down either in paragraph or list form the reason or reasons WHY I want to go back to being 9 years old or a Young Adult...And the only thing I've come up with is this...Like a little kid, I want a do over - I don't regret a lot of my younger day decisions because most of them were good with just a few bad that I actually would not change - but I realize now that I am OLD, that I could have done and should have done some things so differently so as to control the outcome and be able to avoid the dark state of mind that I am in now! I recently told my SIL that I lived my entire adult life to honor GOD and my Mother...I never gave myself the chance to do what ever I wanted to do...Like my Mother, I lived my life according to what other people (primarily Her and GOD) wanted or expected from me - And no it wasn't bad - For the most part, I've lived a great life - but it wasn't for me...
Knowing what I now know, I want to go back to my childhood/adolescence and live my life for ME!...I want to do all those things that I didn't do because some one else thought they were wrong - Some of the happiest days of my life was when I in the military - I worked hard - I lived hard - and I partied hard - but I always maintained full control of myself and my faculties - It was the same way after I got married and had my son and then got divorced - I worked hard, played hard, and lived hard - but it was always for someone else...cause someone else needed me to be that person - Now, I want to live my life for me...I want to go to the parties, get drunk, have fun, and live my life for ME!...but now that I can do that ...I CAN'T.
So...that's it...I want to go back to my younger days so that I can live a life for me...so I can take full advantage of the power, control, and opportunities that are fully open and available for the young adult person's taking.
Well?
As our past has a way of shaping our futures still no one can really "control" the outcome of a life lived.
And while you lived for other's (God and your mother) rather then yourself still your life was not so bad after all.
Yet you seem to have regrets for how you lived and want a do over.
When you made that conscience decision to live your life for God he then ordered your footsteps and directed your path and allowed you "Good Life"
And as our choices and decisions has a way of bringing on consequences of there on perhaps you got that do over how would the outcome be any differently then now?
And as Gods hand has surely been upon your life would you chose a life apart from him?
While we all face many regrets in our life's on things we could have done, would have done and should have done the fact still remains we can not change our past nor can we determine our futures but we can decide how we chose to live our lives in the here and now.
And as the past is yesterday's mistakes tomorrow is our chance to make it right!
Many Blessings...
#AnxietyFreak40... your comment about the 'cosmic joke' - yeah! I know what you mean. I have another write-up from last month about God's warped sense of humor - it's funny...but then again.... it's not.
#UnBroken... Your post...well your post is the kind of post that I really enjoy...I do want to respond to it but it is going to be a while...your post was very thought-provoking and I want to give it the attention it deserves....
Thanks again.