Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Everywhere I go, everyone I talk to, I am told I have to Let Go....I completely understand the concept of WHY I need to let past hurts go..but I am completely lost on HOW to. In some ways, I feel I need to say what I want to say to my mother, but I also know it would never help and she would only make me feel worse about myself. I am currently no contact with her, but I feel like I am unable to let go without ever being heard or feeling validated for how I felt. Does that make sense to anyone? I believe what I went through as a child was pretty traumatizing, but she minimizes everything and discounts my feelings or gas-lights. Ever have your plate of food smeared all over your face because you didn't want to eat it? Would you do that to your child? How about lock them outside in the dark, in the country, and tease them from the window saying there was a bear in the yard? Pick them up, and hold their face under running water in the kitchen sink til they stop crying or having a temper tantrum; lock them in your bedroom closet because they woke you up too early; or tell them they would never marry or that no-one would ever love them because they wet the bed? These are some of the things I dealt with, and they obviously have really scarred me. The problem is, she is still cruel and hurtful. Though she can't physically touch me, she can still stick it to me verbally, like she always has (now she likes to call me mentally ill and tell me I don't make sense when I tell her how I feel). So I went no contact. I feel like the shit will never be resolved though, so HOW DO I LET IT GO...
Today, I am just about completely healed from it, yaaaay. Sometimes the pain has to run its course and there's nothing you can do to shorten the process. You have to honor the wound and pray it heals quickly. I found it helpful to find people who are willing to me rant and complain and cry to about it when the memories and pain were really bad. If you ever want to complain, just send me a pm! I'm on your side. Your mom was tremendously abusive and she hurt you - even if she won't admit it. Most of the people who cause the worst pain are also the ones who cannot take responsibility for their actions. I am so glad you made the decision to go no contact. I haven't talked to my mom since 2010...and though it hurts almost every day, I know it would hurt 100 times more if I had her in my life.
You are totally entitled to your feelings and your pain, and it is completely understandable that you'd be having problems as an adult if that was your childhood. You're normal, sorry to tell you, lol. The no-contact thing is the first thing I'd recommend, and that's what you did...so GOOD JOB.
Some other suggestions that may (or may not) help are the following. Stick to the no-contact for good. Don't get sucked back in by other family members, you made your decision and you had good reason to do so. You owe it to yourself to become a healthy adult and it would be irresponsible to let her reopen old wounds again and again. She doesn't have it in her to be anything that resembles a mom, she tore up her parent card and that was HER decision, not yours.
If you know you won't talk to her again...you can work on forgiving her. You will do this for yourself, not for her. Picture a line in your mind that represents your life span. See where you are now and look back to the beginning at the time she hurt you as a child. Remind yourself that anything to the right of where you are now is the future and the past is behind you. Look ahead to the future and see yourself at a time in your life when you have finally healed. Imagine what that feeling would be like. You know one day you'll get there, even if it's say...30 years ahead. If you can tap into how it will feel to be over this in the future, you can bring the feelings of acceptance and healing to the present. It's a little bit of a mind game, but it helps.
Remember, you are safe from her now. The memories are hard, but the real harm has come and gone, it is in the past, and it will not return. When the bad memories arise, bring yourself into the present....think about your feet on the floor, the air you are breathing, the sounds in the room...then wait for the memory to pass on its own and try not to feed into it. Think of the memory as a transitory pain, like stubbing your toe...it hurts like hell for a little while, but you know the feeling will soon pass - just like the bad memories.
Do not waste any energy arguing in your head with your mom about your right to be hurt. You are absolutely right. She is absolutely wrong, end of story. Give up on the idea of her ever taking responsibility, she won't, that is part of her sickness. Accept that you got a lousy mother and you will never find any resolution with her.
When you think of your mother, try to have sympathy for her. That's a tough one, but try. She must be a pretty miserable person and a disturbed person to do the things she did. She has to live with the knowledge of what she did and her only defense she has is to lie about her behavior. She will never be whole, and that is pretty sad. You can't fix her. You CAN see her as a disturbed woman who will never find true happiness because she is caught in her own patterns of violence and cruelty. That is pretty sad indeed. Just feel sorry for her and...if you can, pray that she finds peace with her life and with God. If she does, she'll be a lot nicer and the world will be a better place! She doesn't deserve your forgiveness or prayers, but forgive and pray for her anyway.... (from a safe distance!!) It will help you move on.
Remember too, that when you are triggered by life in the present, and you feel sad... your brain gives you sad memories to match the sad feelings. You might find that what you are really down about is something in your current life that you can change, and reliving the bad memories (that you cannot change) is a bad habit. When you have these bad memories, you might want to remind yourself of the good things you have in your life now and take some steps to make your current life better. Focus on your goals, keep taking steps and actions to make your current life more gratifying. The better your life gets, the less you will be thinking of old pain.
Hope that helps. Sending you good thoughts, hon.
any other vicious treatment to a stop, for good.
It's hard to accept that people who should love us our entire lives, not only don't care at all how much they've hurt us, but given the chance, they would do it again. That's the part that you have to accept, because there is no way to change how someone else feels. You don't have to accept it, but all you can use it for is to waste more of your life thinking
why someone did this or that, and why aren't they sorry, but they get
to be who they are.
I'm glad you survived, and hope good things come your way, soon.
Also if you are able to. Forgive her in prayer and keep her in your prayers. This helps with letting go of anger and resentment. It has worked for me in the past.
Then accept that not every mother is like that, and there are a lot of sweet, wonderful ladies around who perhaps lost their daughter and would love to become your friend, in effect "adopting" you, becoming your surrogate mother.
So, when it comes to loving myself, I just don't have a clue how. I don't trust anyone, because I don't know how to. I have always felt that telling someone how I feel is just about the dumbest thing a person can do, either because they actually will think I am stupid or because I have been told my whole life that what I feel is stupid.
I honestly do not have a clue what it is like to be upset or have a bad day, and have someone be 'supportive' towards me. I mean, what does that even mean?? It honestly seems like some fairytale thing, like people just tell you "there are supportive people out there" to give you some sort of hope and that's it.
My gosh, I am 37 years old! I always felt deep down that something was not right with my family or the way they treated me, but when they continue to always tell me "there is something wrong with you" there has always been this constant battle.
My mother has told me I make things up, and that what I talk about never happened. So then I question myself and again don't trust my own memory, feelings or thoughts. I start to think "Is it possible? Maybe I am imagining it." but then I think "why would my brain make that up???"
Other times I know I am not imagining it...I remember that my sister acknowledged my mother rubbing my plate of food all over my face when I did not want to eat it. She KNOWS it happened, and the only reason she remembers is because she had laughed, she thought it was funny because I had a carrot in my ear after she did it. It was something that stuck out and so she remembered it.
A lot of the other things my sister will acknowledge, but then she blows them off telling me I am being overly sensitive. Well, I suppose she would say that. My mom didn't do that stuff to her, how would she know how it felt.
I have been my mother's care giver since I was a young girl. She is an alcoholic, all of my step fathers were alcoholics, (18 of them) and I was raised by my grandmother 95% of my life with a step grandfather that hated me. He was extremely jealous of me. I lived in a rich neighborhood and the kids would tease me, punch me in the stomach, drag me down the sidewalk in the gravel until I was bleeding, and I could go on but I won't. My mother, to this day, is still hurting me on a daily basis. She lives with me and she is a very hard person to live with. Even my children don't want to be around her. I do everything for her due to her COPD. The last 2 things she said that hurt me, is: You are easy to lie to, and I ask you to do everything for me because I know you will. I am never right, I don't know what I'm talking about, I exaggerate, and I could go on and on. I don't know what it would be like to forgive because something always happens to take away that moment when I want to. I know I need to let go of my anger and let God take it for me but I just can't find a way to do it. I bought this mobile home, paid for it all myself, but she has the master bedroom with the huge bathroom, 2 full size 8 foot closets and has full control over the heater and A /C. In the winter she heats me out of here and I feel sick, and in the summer, she freezes me out of here and that makes my pain worse. I know I would be healthier if I would just let go but I can't seem to do it. With my mother having COPD, I don't know when she is calling wolf or not. I do all of her laundry, all of her shopping, all the house work, help her with her computer, and I'm the one that has depression, chronic pain, fibromyalgia, chronic anemia, and chronic back pain. But I still do it all. I'm really sorry, this was suppose to be a support post for you and somehow it turned into me. I'm so sorry. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are not alone, I can relate to everything you have said, and if you ever want to talk, please message me and I'll be there for you. Oh yes, you mentioned being locked out in the dark? My babysitter would stick me and my high chair in the dark closet if I didn't eat all of my lunch. I was a year and a half!! She would keep me in there for hours. What is my question to people who can't see what is right in front of their face.? Denial to start... I guess you can't change what you can't acknowledge. Hugs GB