It will be difficult for him to give you the support that you need (and deserve) until he gets a handle on his own depression and emotions. Maybe encourage him to seek therapy or counseling. If he is not willing to at least try to get better, than this will continue to be an up-hill battle for you. Best of luck. [ big hugs ]

I think you maybe asking a lil too much of him at this point. xx

Hi -

With that kind of depression that you are describing, you can't really help. He needs medical intervention. I know you mean well & bless you for that but he can't really focus on your relationship until the depression begins to lift. Trust me, even talking is a HUGE effort for a severely depressed person.

Yes, being with a depressed person is very hard. The best thing you can do for him is to 1) take good care of yourself & 2) listen to him when he does feel like talking.

Good luck - hugs

every thing you have said really sounds good but anyone suffering from depression knows that some days its just all we can do to get ourselves out of bed.the suggestions of the other replies are good. he has to get into some kind of therapy to get a handle on his depression,and possibly meds.
i also suffer from fibro so i do know how it feels and its hard some days to walk around.i wish you both the best of luck and i hope it works out for you two.

he sees a counselor and a psychiatrist. he's on welbutrin for his depression and he's also on an anti anxiety. he goes to therapy weekly now (new program), and thank God he is doing something about it. i've been encouraging him to do so since last year.

at 1st he was in denial that he needed to see someone....but then he kept getting worse and worse to the point that he said one day that he HATES everything and everyone in the world and he hates being here. not that he's gonna kill him self, just that he hates being here.

so i told him that he REALLY needs to get help before it keeps going in a downward spiral. thank God he finally did.

thanks for the suggestions, everyone.
i've never had depression so it's hard for me to understand it. that's why i came here, to try to see what you all have to say. thanks for helping me!

all i have to say on the matter (for this is all i know) is depression (and don't get me wrong i think you know it too) is a sense of high hoplessness, despair, existential crisis, no will, motivation, among other things. however, emotions are:

unreliable
irrational
unpratical

he has little to no control, over his emtoions. you can push him, and push him, and nudge, and help, so to speak, but in the end he must do it. relationships take two, but sometimes, space is needed. counceling, psychiatry, psychology, philosophy, and medical intervention (medication), can only go so far. alot of it, ends with him to do some work as well. and in the end only he knows when he is ready.

its not easy watching those, we love suffer, but sometimes, there so far distant (inside emotional and psychologically) that they are gone from that emotional stabibility. in time, and only in time, will he do what he can. but thats up to him

Coming from the other side of the relationship, my boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and I suffer from depression. I know its not easy for him either. It was interesting to here from your side of it. I thklajs;dfink he gets frusterated because I don't do much either. But it really is a struggle just to get out of bed. The best thing you can do is be patient, its hard to get out of depression, and remind him that you are there for him and love him. On the other hand, do you have any tips for me? I feel like I am such a burden on my boyfriend, and why would he want to be with me while I'm depressed... I know I'm not me, and I can't be much fun to hang out with, and I've gained a lot of weight.. .so I just think why would he stay with me? Do you have any tips? Coming from the other end?

hi courtney
well the only thing that really bothers me (besides that he's hurting) is that when he is having one of his "moods" i become an easy target for blame. he tries to find ANY reason to put blame on me that I put in a bad mood, when we all know that's not the truth. he will feel moody regardless what i do.

so i guess i'm trying to say... when you get in that mood, please don't blame him for any of it. i don't know if this is something you do or not, but that's pretty much the only tip i can give. because from my side, it REALLY HURTS when the blame is directed at me. i would never hurt him and i tell him this over and over. especially THAT pain of that degree. i would never ever do that, so it tears me apart that he can think i'm the cause somehow or that he tries to make me believe that i did something like that.

bluesun - I am really sorry that he is blaming you sometimes for his depression. I can tell you this & maybe you can share it with him -

That is just plain wrong! I was the "depressed person" in my marriage & I never once blamed my husband.

It is hard enough for you to love a depressed person & try to have a healthy relationship/partnership. You do NOT need him blaming you no matter how angry, frustrated, etc. he is because he is depressed.

Finally, IMO, it is much more difficult for men to deal with depression - many see it as a sign of weakness when in reality it is an illness.

I think he is doing great fighting it - going to the doctors, taking his meds. - I pray that he gets better soon.

i tried explaining this to him yesterday.... that i'm NOT the cause for his bad mood... but he just kept saying that it's just a matter of opinion and even tho i don't think i did, that i actually DID push him and put him in a bad mood. but the truth is he was in a bad mood from coming back from his appt! i know this because every time he comes back from therapy he is in a bad mood. he even admitted it!!

he said that i'll believe what i want to. it hurt so bad all i could was curl up into a ball and cry....

i told him that he was being so cold-hearted and condescending...
that i'm a good human being and i deserve better than to be treated that way... and if he couldn't see the truth then he should just take a hike! he got really mad. i told him not only am i a good human being with a good head on my shoulders and a good heart but that i've survived horrible shit in my life over and over and i'm not a person who deserves to be blamed for shit that aint my damn fault! and has nothing to do with me!

he got quiet.... i think it sunk in .... i hope it did.

with him, when he isn't in a "mood"...he is the sweetest person on the planet and is so loving. and there are days where when he IS in a mood, he can still think clearly and KNOW that i had nothing to do with it. and he will tell me that he isn't feeling so good and reach out to me.

but there are days when he WILL try to find ANYTHING and anyway to blame me. it isn't cool at all.... it really hurts.

Okay bluesun - this can go back & forth for a long time until he gets well again. He sounds like he is really angry about his depression (don't blame him) & sometimes takes it out on you.

You have asked him to stop, tried to communicate that you deserve to be treated with respect & kindness & do not deserve his attacks.

But, it is not working & is causing you great sadness. If I were in your shoes, I would stop trying to convince him that you do not deserve to be treated badly or blamed for his "bad moods" & depression. It is not working & making YOU sad.

When he is in a bad mood & taking it out on you, please walk away, leave the house, go for a walk or a ride in your car until he can treat you with respect. Explain to him what & why you must do this - for your own sanity & self-respect. Maybe in time, he will lighten up.

i hope this works! thanks for the tip!

yesterday he was going on about what about me (or that i do) tht he's sick of. funny thing is, he doesn't realize that what he mentioned i do is what HE does to me. the whole condescending attitude thing? he was saying that i do it. whatever.... he finally calmed down and told me that he's gonna watch how he "reacts" if i say something that might "get on his nerves". that he will try to maintain control of his emotions.

but i will try what you suggested. hopefully he can realize how much he can hurt me when he has this mood or blame thing. so that he can open his eyes and stop doing it to me. if not, i don't know how long we can stay together. i realize he needs to get better and i will stick around to see that. but if the blame thing continues, i may have to walk.

Agree bluesun or at least take a break.

My ex "blamed"me for 23 yrs. - dude had a controlling Mother who created a horrific rage in a young boy - he carried that "chip" (still does) & was a "blamer" because his Mother was...........the cycle just continued........he "blamed" our daughters - everything was everyone's "fault" except his.

The "blame game" can go on for years causing misery & unhappiness for all.

Guess what? since his wifey left him & our girls are grown, dude has nobody else to "blame" but himself so went to therapy about it LOL - I guess it's never too late to change...........so me leaving him was good for both of us!

LMAO!!! that had me crackin up good! thanks for that! guess the truth finally dawned on him, huh?? lol

Wow...my relationship sucks but I admit I am glad he is not also depressed. At least just one of us is down. He is just a jerk meantime...
Anyways I hope you work it out cause sounds like you are really trying.