Honestly....I'm not really too good at coming up with excuses. But maybe just be honest with a little lie in the truth lol. Just tell her that you don't want to disrespect her but it truly makes you extremely anxious about the whole situation with your father and that you're a grown woman so you shouldn't have to feel bad for a decision you make. I mean if you have to worry about your mother not letting you make your own decisions on things, no matter if she agrees with it or not, there might be something wrong there :(.

and I'm sorry for your loss :(

Sorry for your loss hon...

You can always try my favorite...

I like it because it's absolutely not a lie...just a bit of sugarcoating: You don't feel very well. Accurate, right? If they assume you have a cold instead of anxiety issues, well, that's their assumption.

I would tell her that it makes you anxious and nervous to be around your father. You sound like me in that I didn't know how to speak up for myself. If she tries to pressure you , you can always say "I'm sorry that you feel that way but this is my decision". Or something to that effect. It has taken me years to stand up for myself. Dont wait as long as I did. It also gets easier each tone you do it. Sorry for your loss and big hugs

Thanks for the advice everyone! I usually can advocate for myself in most situations these days (when i was younger it was very difficult for me to do) but I don't know what it is about dealing with family that takes me back like 20 years. My mom isn't controlling usually but i know she'd feel strongly about this. She's also not good at taking care of herself or standing up for herself, so in her mind it's like if it's a funeral she feels like she has to go regardless of how unhealthy it may be. She has anxiety too so i know me not going will increase her anxiety because she'll have to deal with the people there, and even though I'm an adult she'll feel responsible that I'm not there. I know it's very dysfunctional.

I am sorry for your loss. I wasn't close with my grandmother either. Distance wasn't an issue. I was really there to support my parents and my uncle and aunt who took care of here in her last months.

The only reason I would suggest that you do go is to support your mom if she is grieving. If you believe she really needs your support, then try to go. If it is only to make an appearance, then do not feel obligated.
It is understandable that you may not be able to go due to the distance. If you do not have any real ties to the family, there is really no need to go, especially if you have other obligations.
Maybe take yourself out of the equation a a little bit and remember that there are some of your relatives that suffered a loss. Find way to pay your respects without having to deal with the dysfunctional situation. If you do nothing, you may regret it later.

Be gentle with yourself. Be gentle with your mom. Be gentle with your dad. Deaths of relatives bring out the best or worst in people.
Maybe reaching out to your father to acknowledge his loss might spark a conversation. If not you do not have to go any further.

Good Luck. Hugs

Thanks for the reply Nancyneds! With my mom if she were close to my grandma I would go to support her. The grandma is on my dad's side so it's not my mom's mom. My mom stayed in contact with her after they were divorcedI think out of a sense of obligation . She's not really going to be grieving this, she'll go to the funeral because she'll feel like she has to. My grandma really wasn't very nice to me or my mom.My dad and his brother are all pretty selfish people and I haven't had any real contact with any of them for several years. So, I don't really feel an obligation to go support anyone there.