I just stopped by this board and was drawn to your post. I like you have lost a spouse and wrestled with all the pain that grief brings. My wife passed in 2013. She was only 56. Yes I had periods where I was suicidal and truthfully it scared the hell out of me because that is not the person I usually am. When I was at my worst I was so desperate I typed in Suicide prevention on my computer. The first thing that came up was" If you are suicidal you are not crazy but at this given moment you do not have adequate resources to deal with the severe emotional pain you are experiencing" I totally understand the bottom of the barrel feeling. I was there. For me I needed to reach out. This included going to a grief support group, finding a grief counselor and I was heavily involved in the widow and widower board which you are a member of. The WW has a incredible group of people that have all traveled the painful road of grief. You can PM anytime. I have other that reached out to me during some very dark times and I am more than willing to do it for you. Truthfully there is no quick fix. Grief is a process that takes a long time to come to peace with. God bless. I promise you life can get better. Gerry

It amazes me how God puts people who can help each other together on here. I hope you are feeling better fallen. Please go to the ER if not. Keep in contact and let us know how you are doing.

Call a suicide hotline, always someone there to listen. I don't know if you use anything to help with your emotions but music is a great form of therapy. There is a song out there that was written by an artist that was on the brink of taking her own life. If you get a chance please listen to it, its by Wilson Phillips its called Hold On. Its talking about just holding on for one more day. Hoping that this thought leaves your mind. I am here if you need to talk.

I was browsing through posts as well and decided to click into this one for some reason too...

I need to share this with you. I became interested in praying to the angels after a really awful and uncertain period in my life about 2 years ago. I noticed your screenname is FallenAngel. (I am deeply sorry for your loss.) After this period, I researched a lot about the angels and how they are always around waiting for us to ask for their help. Earlier today I asked them for some "sign" because I felt myself becoming hopeless and panicked about the future. I looked at gerald222's reply and thought, "What a good thing these two connected."

The angels are all around and sometimes they communicate with us through repetitive numbers. This is from a website called ask-angels.com...

"When you repetitively see 222, its a message from the angels that youre on the right track. Youre in the right place at the right time. Stay positive, know that your angels are supporting you, but remember to ask for angelic assistance."

I have repetitively seen these numbers for a couple years now...since recovering from a loss as well and it is especially comforting for me when little "coincidences" such as this occur. FallenAngel, I pray that you will heal.

You said in your letter "God help me". Most people would look at those 3 little words as desperation and nothing more. I think that you wrote those 3 big words because you really meant them! So many people miss the obvious in saying "God Bless You" and "God help me" but God does not.

God hears your words and understands you inside like nobody else. God even hears the words of strangers because He loved us so much, He gave his son for us.

I am not going to go into that part because You do know that God loves you, it is just that you do not love yourself and that alone is a good reason to die -> Yet that alone is NOT a Good reason to die! You see, we sometimes grow up in a world that is miles different from our wonderful siblings because WE ARE Different! God gave us the curse and the blessing of "feeling" things so deeply! It hurts and we do not know what to do about it. We are surrounded by "naysayers which means that everybody around us says "Pull your pants up and get on with your life!" but we cannot no matter how hard we try. It does not do any good anyway. You are surrounded and unless you understand how to command demons (fallen angels - not you, the real ones) then the best thing is to find the best psych ward in your region who focuses on counseling sessions and not abuse stuff and safety issues. People say that inpatient therapy is just a baby sitting privilege to keep you until you are over the hump and won't commit suicide but that is not correct on the best psych wards! When you are in the ward, look around for people who do not understand how they got there. One of those is there just for You! They have a message that will change your life. Go and See!

Hang in there until 5 minutes after you are dead. Please do not give up! Ever seen the movie The Fog? Well anyway do not watch it while you are feeling this way but it makes sense. I have been told to hang in there like a rusty nail and it is true. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I know it all too well (((((SUPER BIG HUGS)))))