Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

24,601 Members

160,807 Posts

0 Online

Rachel8293 12/04/2011

I've been struggling with suicidal depression for several years. I'm a freshman in college right now, and I don't know how I can do this.

The thing is, what's going on around me doesn't affect my state of mind very much. I'll have good days and want to jump off my dorm building (which is why I've kept myself from finding the door to the roof), and I'll have bad days and go to bed perfectly content.

Right now, I've had a crappy few weeks and it all piled on just now. I'm really considering suicide again. I found out the Tuesday before Thanksgiving that my dog died, got dragged into an argument between my father and grandmother, figured out that my recurring lung pain was a reaction to Tylenol, and got back to school on Sunday. On Monday, I found out that my religion professor died; on Friday I found out she'd killed herself, met her family, and realized I was looking into my own future; and today one of my high school friends was hospitalized with a flesh-eating disease. All of this happened over the course of 12 days.

I could handle all of that until about an hour ago. I was dealing with it fine, I was able to get on with my life and study for finals. But now I can't. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't let my family or my roommate or my RA know. I don't know what I can do. I'm about five minutes away from finding a way out. Please, someone, help.

Please help.

chelle37 12/04/2011

HI Rachel, Wow, that's alot to have happen in a short time! I'm sorry for all your losses and what you're going through right now. Why do you feel like you can't let your family, roommate or RA know? I think that it makes sense that you'd be overwhelmed with everything going on. Is there anyone outside of here that you've shared how you're feeling with? ((hugs)) please hang on things can get better.

Rachel8293 12/04/2011

My parents are firmly in the "depression isn't real, snap out of it" category. My roommate will think I'm a mental case. I wouldn't even know what to say to my RA.

This is the first time I've ever felt able to tell anybody. Anonymity is a powerful thing.

Usually I just write and delete journals, but this time...I don't know. That just wasn't enough.

The thing is, I don't know if things WILL get better. I've been dealing with this for eight years, and sometimes I can go a whole month without feeling like this, but sometimes I can go a week without feeling better.

chelle37 12/04/2011

It's great that you've been able to share this on here! That's a huge first step! I hope you realize that your parents are wrong about your depression. It is real, and often has a physical component to it. Since you said that this is the first time you've ever been able to tell anyone, I'm assuming you haven't tried therapy? Would you be open to getting help in that way? It is completely confidential so no one would have to know you're seeking help for depression. Eight years is so long to have dealt with this, I am certain things can get better for you because it sounds like up to this point you haven't gotten any help. Depression is very treatable with help. ((hugs)) I'm so glad you shared on here!

Rachel8293 12/04/2011

I realized they were wrong about the time I was 14 and seriously considering suicide. I'm not totally against the idea of therapy, especially since it's completely free as long as I'm at this college, but I'm one of those people who needs to know everything going in: what to expect, what to say, what will be expected of me, etc.

Thanks for thinking things will get better; I certainly don't expect them to.

chelle37 12/04/2011

That's awesome that you have known your parents were wrong about depression for that long. Often if a parent has that attitude a young person takes it on also. I think it's great that you're open to seeking therapy! I know it helped me so much! As far as beginning therapy goes, I think most people have those kind of questions. In the first session the therapist will talk about what has brought you there, what you expect out of therapy, and you can tell some of your basics if you want. Often it's also a lot of just talking about goals, what you're hoping for, etc. I know I was pretty scared my first time in, but really it's nothing to be scared of. You really don't have anything to lose by trying it, if you hate it you don't have to go again. I'm really worried about you because you've talked about being so close to suicide. Would you be willing to check into the therapy tomorrow and let me know what happens?

Rachel8293 12/04/2011

I kept my parent's attitudes for four years before I finally accepted it wasn't just a phase I was going to grow out of. (Over the course of those four years, I had back surgery, got addicted to painkillers, went through withdrawal, and started high school.)

The thing is, I don't really have any goals. I haven't been able to set goals for myself in a long time - it's been "this is what people want me to do, so this is what I'll do" for about as long as I can remember. My biggest goal has been to survive X months, and that's not really something you go around broadcasting.

The problem with starting therapy tomorrow is twofold: first, they'll think it's only because of the past two weeks (which isn't true. It's a contributor, but it's certainly not the biggest thing); and second, this is finals week. There is no time for me to go to therapy when I need to get at least a 75 on both my bio and economics finals to pass, and at least a 70 on my language final to keep my head above water. I was thinking about starting after the winter break, since that gives me some time to decompress and go in with a nice clear head.

chelle37 12/04/2011

You've really been through so much in your life! I'm an alcoholic (sober now for over 3 years), if you can beat pain killers that's a real sign of being able to get through something big. I think that if you can get through all that, you've got great odds of beating depression especially once you get help. I get what you're saying about things being really busy right now. I'm not sure what it's like there, but usually you aren't able to get in the same day anyway (well actually if you called and were honest about your suicidal feelings they probably would try to get you in the same day, but I'm sure that's not what you were planning to do). Maybe if you called and at least made an appointment it would help you have a date? Also it's fine to go in and say that your goal is to have a goal. Sounds weird I know, but seriously that would be fine. Actually I think for the age your at trying to figure out your own goals versus other peoples expectations is really a common one. I think too that sometimes going in without the clear head is the best thing. Like for me I know I'm much more honest when I've hit a bottom or been desperate for help. If I'm not feeling so crappy I'm much less likely to share what's actually going on and only get into surface type issues, not sure if that's the case for you though?

Rachel8293 12/04/2011

My college has the 2nd highest suicide rate in the nation, according to rumor, so the counseling center's pretty well-staffed. They make it a point to see everyone the same day they called, or, at the most, the day after. They actually have a counselor on-call at night (probably should have called them instead of posting something online and hoping for the best, but again: anonymity is awesome). I'm actually much more deceitful about certain things when I'm desperate and much more truthful about others. I'm really bad with emotions anyway - I am the person to come to when you want someone to hug and not ask questions or to troubleshoot, not the person to talk to about anything particularly emotional.

I think a lot of my fear is just that I don't know what it's like to not be this way. I thought this was normal growing up until my parents flipped when they found out my twin sister had started cutting herself (because of me) when we were sixteen. I have no concept of normality that does not include dealing with things like this. It's gotten more and more obvious since I started rooming with a total stranger that it isn't normal.

Honestly, my ability to beat painkillers is mostly a result of having no way to get them once my prescription ran out. Please don't ascribe willpower or personal strength to something I had no control over.

chelle37 12/04/2011

I think it's great that you can get in right away to the counseling center at your school when you're ready (not that it's great that it has such a high suicide rate though..) I think it's great that you reached out tonight in what ever way you could. I think that if you're still having strong thoughts of hurting yourself that would be a good call to make though. It seems like you already have alot of insight into what's going on with yourself, I think you'll do great in therapy! Why do you think you caused your sister to cut? It doesn't seem like something that you would've caused, I mean there's other ways to cope besides that even if she was really stressed. With the painkillers, I understand what you're saying about it happening due to not being able to get more. I still think you are a strong person for going through everything you have.

deleted_user 12/04/2011

Hi, I'm giving you a big hug. I feel some of your pain. I pick out that you have strength in you. Even if you don't think you can I know you can walk in that office and start. And then you're on a new adventure. And what can that new adventure hold? Just put your head back, close your eyes and think of all the wonderful things that new adventure can hold. It can be anything from watching a honey bee hovering over a flower to taking a trip in the space shuttle. There's no limit.

Rachel8293 12/04/2011

Between my medical stuff and making it to the national spelling bee (a spot for which I beat her), she got much less attention than I did. It hurt both of us, I think, but her more than me. Especially since we're twins, and she was physically perfect and I was not. It hurt me to see her normality and it hurt her to see my abnormality. It was a difficult situation. She's gotten over it, but I'm still living with the guilt.

Rachel8293 12/04/2011

Thanks for thinking I'll do well in therapy, also.

Annie122: Thanks. I'll do my best.

chelle37 12/04/2011

That had to be hard... You definitely didn't cause her to cut though, that's not your fault. And it's not your fault she got less attention. Definitely like you said, a difficult situation but not one where you're to blame.

Rachel8293 12/04/2011

I know that intellectually, but I can't help feeling bad.

chelle37 12/05/2011

I think that could be one of the things you could work through in therapy. I know for me there were several of those things I knew in my head, but hadn't sank in to my heart that I worked on. (like that I deserved to be treated well in a relationship I knew it intellectually but kept choosing men that treated me poorly, etc). I'm really hopeful for you, I think that things really can get better for you!

Join the Conversation