I just wrote a suicide note. I am having flash backs to 6 years ago when I did the very same thing. I decided not to do it. Now, 6 years later I ask myself if I am glad I didn't. The answer is no.

In my note I shared that my decision is not any one person's fault and if it is anyone's it is mine for not reaching out far enough. I am afrid of judgement or creating a fuss. I don't want to be dropped in a loony bin, I don't want the police to be called. I don't want the person I tell to tell anyone else because I don't want them to treat me different. If I could have one person know what I am going through and care, that would make all the difference.

The one person I would trust to tell is my best friend. The problem is, we very recently broke up. I don't want him to think it is a ploy to get him back or that my feelings are all his fault. I know a break up is no reason to kill yourself, that isn't what this is about. I also don't want to drive him away further.

I know I need to talk to someone. I have even tried. I just can't seem to get the words out clear enough. I can't do more that say I am sad. The closest I have gotten is telling a friend that "I am worried about myself".

I guess why I am writing is to know how to tell someone about the thoughts I have been having for months now that are getting to be more forceful. Someone asked me tonight what I am doing for Christmas and I said I don't know. The reason I said that is because I don't plan on being alive by then.

I don't want someone to have to read that note. I don't want them to read that I couldn't reach out. I don't want my fear and guilt to be what ends me. My biggest fear is dying alone and that is exactly what I am bringing upon myself.