So I’ve wanted to talk about this for a long time because I think it’s something lots of ppl especially ppl my age go through. And I think I’ve done my healing. Or at least enough. I don’t think I’ll ever be completely healed but I’ve grown some and I want to talk about this. I’m in high school and I always hear guys bragging about how sexually active they are and yet I hear how others have gotten seriously hurt by their partners during sex or how they didn’t consent to sexual advances. That shid’s gotta stop. 

I struggle with mental health and it’s influenced by a lot of things but for now I want to focus on one thing. And that’s my sexual harassment experiences. 

This became an issue for me in my 6th grade. So I still remember this, I was 12 when this happened. I knew a classmate and we weren’t friends in fact he pissed me off and we had a mutual dislike of each other. We had a class together where we were all lined up right and he was right behind me. It was a single file line and we all had to be close to each other very close. So when I felt a light caress on my ass. I just looked back at the guy behind me and he whispered sorry. And I didn’t think anything of it because of how close we were. But then he straight up grabbed me and squeezed. And I knew that wasn’t an accident so I hit him hard. And he laughed. 

That was before class and I still had to spend over 40 minutes in the same room with this guy. During class he touched me on my pelvis of course I told him to piss off. He approached me again and I was about to smack him before he was like ‘truce truce’ and then he pinched me on the chest. But none of that compared to the last thing he did, in public, during class he approached me again and grabbed my groin and groped me. Not fun, I cried that night. I felt so ashamed that my body attracted those unwanted advances. I felt pretty disgusting. Even though I wasn’t the gross one he was and none of that was my fault. 

He wasn’t the only one in my middle school to harass me like that. There was another classmate who was actually my friend and he would take advantage of that and grab my chest and ass. I told him to knock it off, and he was like “Come on I bet guys touch you all the time.” and I was like why do you guys do that touching someone else like that when they don’t want it is wrong. And he was just like, “We’re guys we like girl’s bodies. And yours is really soft and tight.” That comment stayed with me forever. I get dysphoria with my body already but what he said made me straight up hate my own skin. I started getting extremely self conscious to the point where when I was picking my clothes I didn’t want to wear certain items because I thought it would make someone grab me. And I know now that was very unhealthy. 

In middle school I’ve had some girls who weren’t really close friends more like acquaintances. And they would ask me if they could touch my breasts. And I gotta give it to them at least they asked politely. And when I said no they were cool and left me alone. At the time though it made me even more self conscious because it seemed like so many people around me want to touch me inappropriately. 

When I was 13 I knew this other older guy who rode my bus and walked along the same route home. So we saw each other a lot. I let him sit next to me one day on the bus and he pinched my waist. I think he was feeling for body fat. When I asked him what he was doing he played dumb. But I got up and tried to move seats (I was sitting on he inside). But he pulled my bag and sat me on his lap. He wrapped his hands around my waist and kept me there. I struggled and I noticed that all the other seats were filled  so I couldn’t just up and leave. I waited like that until our stop. I yelled at him in anger on our walk from the stop. And he told me shid like I was beautiful and that he loved me. I rejected him and tried to get away from him he tried carrying me and I said no and then he asked for a kiss. I said no again. So he kept pulling me by my bag my arm and I struggled. I threatened to beat him up and he said just one kiss and he’ll stop touching me and he’ll leave. 

And I wanted to get him to leave so I agreed. And he kissed me on the mouth. I didn’t not use my tongue in thank goodness. He did leave thank god and I never saw 2/3 of these guys again. And spending time away from them during summer and high school helped me heal and see my body in a new way. I started wearing clothes I liked for a little bit and spending time with myself. I learned self acceptance some what. In my freshman year I had two guys surrounded my left and right and make comments on my breasts. That sucked but I managed to tune them it somewhat so I didn’t let it get to me so much. At least I didn’t think my body was disgusting until my Junior year. 

Unfortunately I was thrown back into a pit of shame after a guy pressured me for nudes and my manipulative ex girlfriend masturbated to me. I really hated my body after that. And I contemplated suicide. But I luckily I had resources to comfort me and I met my second girlfriend (we’ve broken up now) and made me believe that I was beautiful. In my own right and that I’m not gross the people who take advantage of me are. 

And that’s what I wanted to say. Never let anyone do what you don’t want to. And if someone violates your personal space and or body it’s not your fault it never is. Don’t let anyone touch you in ways you don’t want them to. Tell them clearly that they should stop and hell if they’re touching you then you might as well hit them back anyway. And if you don’t want to make a scene throw it out the window this is your personal space and maybe you’ll get someone else’s help if you really need it. Because if you let yourself down like that you will just suffer let someone else control you. So consent is always the way to go and stand up for yourself. Sex and intimacy are things that take time and some people do just want it but you have to be polite about it. Ask questions, don’t pressure anyone or betray their trust.