Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
Hello everyone,
I am new to this site and I am feeling incredibly lost and helpless right now.
Since I met my partner about a year ago, by his own admission he was a "broken man" he has been dealt a rough set of cards, yet all I could see was a loving, charming and funny gentleman. We openly spoke about his situation and he wanted to make sure I knew what I was getting involved with by pursuing the relationship. To this day I have no regrets. To begin with and in the midst of a new relationship, he was so happy, he communicated this, we had such great positive talks. As his situation didn't improve, he slowly started withdrawing from me. He went from being totally open with me to closed off.
I am struggling not to take this personally and i do not know how to help him. He doesnt even know what he needs from me. I am so understanding to it all, i know that his inability to consider mine or other peoples feelings is not because he is an unkind person but that because he is so consumed with his own mind. But he is unable to gice me any affection, not even a hug at the end of the day or a text to ask how my day is going. He doesn't come to bed any more, he crashes on the sofa and I silently cry myself to sleep because I don't want him to know how upset I am because it will only add to his problems.
We have spoke about it and he knows he needs help but he can't find the motivation to seek it. Or to try helping himself.
I guess I spend all of my time being positive and supportive the best way I can and putting my feelings and emotions to one side that I am feeling so lonely. The only person that can make me feel better is the one person that is unable to.
How do you guys cope?
I try to find things to get myself out of the house so I don't fixate on the loneliness. It's hard not to begin to worry and doubt. Have you thought of seeking therapy? I hav an appointment in a week and I'm actually looking forward to it.
For the past year i have done so well to not take things personally but the last couple of weeks it has got worse. He dodges my messages, sleeps on the sofa. I started thinking that it may be more than the depression and felt so insecure about our relationship, (already being a person who is riddled with insecurities) so after I could take the sinking feeling no more, I asked him, if we as a couple outside of his depression were ok, I turned to him for reassurance, this only made things worse because i added to his worries -another person he's letting down or so he feels.
I have looked in to support groups but haven't found any close by that I could get to.
Its hard not to feel like I am failing him. I should be able to hold it all together.
The one thing I like abiut myself is that I fix things. I make people feel better and I can't do that for him.
I do talk to friends but they don't understand often and get frustrated that it's the same stuff I'm moaning about.
Friends and family members, whilst I appreciate them being there for me, don't help. Nothing is going to make me feel better and stop feeling so sick with worry other than him and he's not able to give me one reassuring word or hug.
I am constantly torn between being invertly mad at him and heartbroken for him at the same time.
I insisted that we sit down and have a conversation about what is being done and what could be done about the depression. I started with written out questions (1- what are you currently doing about the depression? 2- what is working and what is not working? 3- what are other things could be done that arent being pursued currently? 4- how can I help facilitate those things). I made bullets under each question with possible responses, esp #3. Remember that your partner doesn’t have many creative problem solving faculties because of depression, so you’ll have to lead the conversation entirely. What came out of the conversation was that he asked me to set up them light therapy lamp he’d bought a year before (that took me five minutes and now he uses it every day), I should invite him to walk the dog with me every day after work, and I should help him make a therapy appointment. Not bad. Of course, there was a lot he wouldn’t agree to try (exercise, massage, reducing video game play, going out with friends more etc), but I was a good step and I felt I was able to have an actual impact on his treatment. Part of all this is just feeling so freaking helpless and at the mercy of this illness. I wish you the very best. Don’t forget to care for yourself first. (And google depression fallout forum!)
is breaking my heart to watch him feel so shitty about himself. I feel like it is all starting to impact my normally bubbly and happy personality.
I find when I try to bring up the conversation of 'Whats our plan?'/ 'How can I help you' he is too busy or cannot deal with it right now. It feels like it is never a good time.
I kinda feel like my thoughts are everywhere. Sorry!