This is my first post here and I am so grateful to have found this group. Thank you so so so much for sharing your stories, your stuggles, your wisdom. 

My husband has been struggling with depression (possibly for his entire adult life?). He was planning suicide in August 2016, which was the first time I found out about this via our couples therapist (who fired us because neither of us was willing to budge). Since then, life has been up and down, and I mostly try to just focus on taking care of myself and my kids. Seems harsh, but during the times that DH is suicidal, it takes over my whole life and I can't get anything accomplished, not even at work. So I just put my head down, get through work, and housework, and childcare, and then I focus on me after bedtime. 

Today, my friend suggested that we sign our toddlers up for a tumbling class on Saturday mornings. I'm self employed and I usually work weekends, so those kind of classes are difficult for me. She said, "well can't you just ask DH? It would be great bonding time!" I can't ask my husband to do anything like involving leaving the house. Just made me feel very alone. So, I'll sign him up, and make time to take him to the class for a couple months. Here I go, doing everything. And I feel so bad, because at home, DH is pretty engaged, at least when he's not playing videogames (he has a problem). I should be grateful for what he does do, but it's so hard not to compare to other husbands/fathers. What did I do to my kids, marrying this man? 

Also, I'm starting to realize that maybe DH has a point, that I'm too critical and negative, that I turn his complaints into problems about me instead of listening to his side and trying to be more supportive. He says I respond in one of three ways: 1. whatever the issue is, he caused it so there's no reason to be upset; 2. the problem is not really a problem, so stop being upset; 3. my problem is worse, so shut up.

I think he might be right. I'm reading a lot of feminist critique about patriarchy, and even though I am a woman and my husband is a man, I think that *I* might be replicating some of these patriarchal norms in my house. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope with working so hard physically all the time, and now I need to be on my guard all the time to correct my behavior so DH feels safe talking to me about his feelings... I'm pretty overwhelmed. I am normally a really good problem solver and exercise very tight control over my thoughts and feelings, but I can't see how to start changing my attitudes and reactions. I don't see any baby steps. The only thing I can think to do is not talk at all. I think I'm looking on the bright side, or commiserating, but he interprets that as not caring about his feelings. At the same time, I know it's not my job to talk to him about his feelings, he needs to see a therapist, but he won't.