I recently got myself out of marriage with a depressed, unemployed spouse. We share custody, which has been problematic.  After the divorce, he lived out of his car for six weeks, which pretty much gave me full custody (but I didn't modify the custody agreement --- which legally would be hard to do based up clauses in the divorce decree that prevent either of us from disputing custody for a year).  He finally got a place to live and I really had hoped that things would work out.  But still no job and his depression has only worstened.  My daughter spends maybe one night a week with him, but even that, she has started to protest.  He contributes not a cent, never does her homework with her, and doesn't parent at all.  He picks her up from school and then she wants to come home with me the minute I am off from work.  I don't know how to handle co-parenting with a depressed man.   He is in treatment, but he gets kicked off my insurance in a couple of weeks.  He should be able to get medicaid and continue care, but I am not sure if he has the capability to follow through with this.  My daughter keeps backing out of visits with him.  She was supposed to spend last night with him and she made him stop at home so she could change her mind.  I think that she both didn't want to go because he has nothing in his place for her and because she notices how little he contributes to her life.  He doesn't help her with her homework, he wanted nothing to do with her birthday party, etc.  I am at a loss as to what to do.  I cannot make her go with him -- but he has joint custody.  I would like the occasional break, but don't want to force her to go.  Her dad, of course, blames me.  He assumes I am badmouthing him, but I am not.  I got her therapy and he somehow thinks that is about trying to turn him against her.  He is paranoid and drives by house all the time to check up on us. 

I don't know what do. He won't communicate with me at all. He refuses to answer most texts and phone calls.  He says I bully him, but I don't.  His depression colors everything I say to him.    I just say things to him that if I communicated like he did, he'd never get to see her.  This isn't a threat to take her away, just me pointing out that the lack of communication makes it hard to co-parent.   He sees it as a threat. 

I just don't know how to co-parent with a depressed ex.  I am trying so hard to get him to communicate with me, but he won't.  Part of me wants to go after full custody, but I am worried that this will also spiral him further out of control.  He has threated suicide in the past and I worry that if I challenge custody, the threats will come back.  I am doing all I can to protect my daughter.  I have gotten her counseling and I have been honoring her requests to stay with me.  She seems to be doing well, except that she doesn't want to see much of her dad.  Anyone have suggestions on how to co-parent with a depressed non-functioning ex?