My heart goes out to you. I have no idea what your specific situation is like but I know when my husband is in one of his lows every time he passes by me without a word, hurts more and more. The silence can be so painful.

I used to think I could talk my husband out of his depression. That was before, now I know with his type of depression, he needs professional help. He needs medication, there is no amount of good memories that will take him out of that darkness. And in all honesty reminding him about how good his life is put him further into that depression because he knew there was nothing wrong with his life but was still depressed.

I would go one step beyond the counseling and try to get him into a psychiatrist to see if something could help. If he has the type of depression where he needs the chemicals in his brain balanced, that is a necessity. Just like someone would take shots of insulin if they had diabetes, he may need something for his brain to function properly.

My husband has gotten help and his good days outnumber the bad ones. which I am thankful for. The bad days still hurt and it is so confusing because you want to feel loved by your spouse and you want to hold their coldness against them, but then you know they have depression. maybe they are unable to in that moment. It still does not make your pain any less though. You will need to take care of yourself. Just because your husband has depression does not mean that he has a free pass to act however he wants to. He does have responsibilities like you, your kids, and the business. You do not need to remind him of that every day but it may be a catalyst to get him into a psychiatrist.

It is such a balancing act, and it absolutely is not fair that this has fallen on you. I am here to talk though and please feel free to add me as a friend.

Thank you so much for ur reply. I'm sorry u know the pain-it is nice knowing I'm not alone... my goal would definately be to have more good days then bad days... I guess it's going to take time and that's where I struggle. I want everything ok now!
Reading ur sentence about walking past without a word, gave me shivers because up until now I never thought anyone would even understand the pain coldness can bring to someone. I hold on to every small eye contact he makes with me because there's some days where he just won't do it.
We are opposites which I think make things seem extreme too which doesn't help. I'm a glass half full girl where as he is an optimist... he can sit for HOURS without speaking a single word and yet my language of love is words. I am emotional and can speak from the heart but once again, like most males I think, he can't or won't.
I've woken up in a much more positive state and I guess I've just got to look at things a bit differently.... all I want to do is fix him and I'm denying the fact that it's not up to me.
I need to just keep going and hope that with a constant level of emotion on my side, he may feel better and more secure. Because when he goes up and down I am all over the place it must be worse for him. I am just trying to tell myself that it may not all be about me. He has stresses that he may not be able to tell me about and so if I automatically turn it into a problem about us- that's what it becomes. I want to try and stay focused on my girls and (without sounding selfish) myself and better in those areas so that I have the strength to be ok when he is not.
I feel like I have failed tho as I am his wife, the mother of his children, his business partner and supposbly his best friend... if things aren't good for him I thought I should be able to help fix them and make them better...

i've just been doing an assignment on costing and allocating overhead costs using varying methods and it's really gelling with some stuff you're saying. There's a method called reciprocal costing where two departments want to identify exactly what the other owes them, as a percentage of total. costs. But the thing is, every time they add more in, it changes the total and more needs to be added. back and forth... till you get out the algebra and slay it...

See; we always want to fix others from our own position. But our position moves. Just like HR allocating costs to securty. (yes trust me, just like it. learn from my suffering. you do not want to do this yourself...) You choose your own cost driver and you choose the cost object and you say 'this is what needs to be fixed.'

But thing is, you're not finished yet yourself. You don't have the final answer. Only some kind of interim answer along the way. So you could see what you think he needs from where you are... and inflict it. And then you might find it's not what you want when you move. Or else, he decides to inflict something on you to make you more compatible with him.

You could both end up looking like Michael Jackson's face. Yanno?

You two will bash each other into a mush. If he's silent and you feel beaten up by it, that doesn't necessarily mean he's cold. It could just mean you're insecure. So for you to stop him being silent may not be the right answer. It could be that you need to ask yourself why you assume the worst when someone doesn't talk to you.

If your child walks past you without speaking do you assume the worst? No. So why assume it now? How much is happening in the real world, and how much is happening in your head?

Sometimes we need to give people time and space and privacy go to through their own stuff. Sometimes they're not being cold to you; they're just dealing with their own problems. I don't any more believe in taking on any hurt that hasn't been expressly given.

Otherwise, the more we tinker the more dangerous it gets because the more we mutate the thing we tinker with, and the more resentment we cause them to develop. You have to let him be him, and let you be you. And if he's going through a quiet time, maybe just wait for him to feel like talking. If you push him before he's ready you can easily push him backwards.

Softly softly catchee monkey. Sit quietly and let the wild stag come to you.

oh and check up on the differences between introverts and extroverts. Extroverts regain energy from interaction. To an introvert, interaction is spending energy. So if they're low on energy they can't afford to interact.

They end up feeling like a vampire's got them. I know because on some level I'm like that. When I'm really low on energy I really can't handle much interaction and I will do whatever I can to avoid chatty people because I just can't face it. Or else I get monosyllabic because I can't handle their chatter. So that could be a thing you need to learn about him (and conversely he about you).

That's some really good advice! Thank you so much for staying connected with me... some days I do get it but there's some days were I really don't.

I've just had an "apiphany" moment with my counsellor and I know it will help when I am struggling....

Hello, I just joined this group, and your comment really spoke to me. Specifically, when you say that you are beginning to feel depressed, too. Also, the feeling of frustration and helplessness that you can't do anything to pull him out of the hole. I don't have any advice. I, too, am married to a severely depressed man. We have an 8-year old daughter, and I worry about the effect it may be having on her. I guess one difference in our stories is that my husband is constantly and tearfully telling me how much he loves me. This may sound wonderful, but to be perfectly honest, it feels almost like a burden. It feels like I am his only life raft, and I am getting pulled under the water, too. I love him beyond measure, but I also am SO tired of seeing him sad, sad, sad. I find myself feeling angry, resentful, and frustrated. I'm running out of empathy after 3+ years of this. Does that sound mean? I feel a sense of alienation in our marriage that I don't know how to penetrate without making him feel responsible/guilty. Anyway, I guess I've turned this into more about me than about helping you, but you are not alone. My heart goes out to you, and I want to thank you for sharing your story. You have helped me feel less alone and less guilty.

Jboat thank you for replying. I am so glad that u don't feel as alone or guilty, u are right tho- having a husband say he loves me feels like the answer to my prayers but I'm not silly either- I do believe that that would put a lot of pressure and responsibility on ur shoulders which would then be quite a feeling of a burden. My daughter will be 8 this year and we have a 2 1/2 year old. I'm constantly wondering what effect it has on them but I do know one thing- we can't over compensate for their actions. As selfish as it sounds.
I use to over compensate with attention and affection and "happy" times to make up and cover my husbands lack of being present (by mind not physically) but that couldn't last for ever- I too got burnt out and so I was left contemplating my existence and all the reasons why it wasn't fair.... but now I take a different approach I guess when it comes to the kids- I've learnt that no matter how much less he does (by choice or not) I cannot always make up for it because I am only one person and I am human too. I have feelings and emotions and I need things as well... kids don't know what they don't know so unless u have two of ur husbands standing side by side acting differently, I don't think the kids know any better. Which is quite sad. But it's us that fear the hurt and disappointment because it's mostly us that feel it because we know their potential and when they aren't giving it we see and know the difference. But I honestly don't think they do. Be their Constance. If your daughter knows that mummy is always there no matter what that's what she will always feel and that makes up for everything else...
And it's ok to let them see us hurt too... I never use to cry in front of my kids until just recently when it all became too much. I couldn't help it. But in fact it was a good thing because now they know I am human too and I can have bad/ sad days too....
Ahhhhhh I have no idea what all this is about but just felt like responding because I'm glad u replied x

Thank you, Thumpa, for responding. Yes, I agree that we can't compensate for our husbands' absence. It's all so hard and confusing, but the connection to others going through the same or similar dynamics is a Godsend for me. A few nights ago I burst into tears and let my husband know how hard this is on me. Not sure if it will make things worse or give him a wake-up call, but I couldn't hold it in any longer. Hang in there., and thanks again.

I love all of your comments as it addresses those similar issues in my marriage. Does this advise apply to a wife who is depressed?

I think it addresses anybody that seems to react the same way as described here... male or female wife or husband I don't think it matters.... but I do know that depression and stress reacts differently to some people.... sorry if that doesn't help

I have been reading 2 books on what to do when someone you love is depressed. One of them talks about "depression fallout" - the inevitable toll that someone's depression can take on his/her loved ones. Neither of the books say that the reactions to a loved one's depression are different for men and women, although there are some general differences between how depressed men and women might act. The stages of "depression fallout," according to the book "How You Can Survive When They're Depressed", are confusion, self-doubt, demoralization, anger, and the desire to escape. I can say that I have been in and out of all of these stages. Another common theme in both books (The other is "When Someone You Love is Depressed") is resentment. That has been a big one for me, and I have found the advice in both books pretty helpful, although not really surprising.
Best wishes, all. The pain is excruciating - both for the depressed and for us who love them.

Thank you jboat- both books sound very interesting...
I'm so thankful to any replies I get because sometimes I feel like you guys are the only ones that really understand and so only ur suggestions are really relevant in my eyes lol

Appreciate all the communication on here because it may be exactly what I need to get through my bad days....