i am laying alone in bed again silent tears running down my face. I no longer know what to do or how to cope so I find myself opening up to strangers who may understand what I'm going through. My boyfriend suffers from depression, sever depression. Since we met nearly a year ago I suspected it but it has only magnified, and developed into a beast shadowing both of us during, becoming unbearable. When it first showed its ugly head I asked him if he would consider getting help, he said sure- but as its worsened he truly believes he isn't worth help- it would be better given to someone else who "deserves it". I am no stranger to this beast of a disease- I grew up with a mother who suffered with high-functioning depression. This was scary because she was so good at hiding it, it escalated to unbearable levels before we would notice. My dad is a godsend and my parents are an amazing example of a loving partnership. He got her help intime- but once it came close and she ended up institutionalised for a few weeks. I'll never forget how nonshallont she came into my room once home, crawled into bed with me and proceeded to tell me about the rope she purchased to hange herself with. I now find myself in a relationship, in a different country over 3,000 miles and 5 hours time zone away from my rock solid support system. My boyfriend is threatening he wished he had the guts to kill himself and as soon as he does he'll be gone and I just have to get over it. He is convinced he has no friends, no one who cares or would even miss him. He plys himself with alcohol to cope except the occasional evening where I beg him not to. I know he needs help. When he gets like this it's almost trance like his voice changes, his mannerisms, he gets angry and it bloody terrifies me. Tonight I got him to come into the bedroom and I kept smiling and holding his hand and reassuring him until after he passed out on the floor near the bed. At least when I can hear his snoring I know he's alive. This is something I heard my dad say about my mother when I was a teenaged and I hate that I know what he meant. I know I can not live like this. It would be one thing if he were trying to help himself I would be by his side but this route of self destruction is not something I can watch. He gets so mean, picking fights with me twisting my words until he has another validation of how he's a "horrible person". For Christmas he is making my dreams come true and taking me for a long weekend in Italy- I am prays while we are away he will be able to clear his head enough for me to speak with him. How do I get him the help he needs? What can I say to him to convince him to go to get hep. I've asked before, I've made it about me, I've threatened him saying if he doesn't get help I'll leave him (I know not my most proud moment). Help. Please, God. Someone help him and please give me the strength to guide him to anything that wwill help him see the beautiful man I fell in love with. Thank you all for existing and lending your strength by reading my post. I love you all.