Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
I see there are a few of us really active and then some back and forth once in a while. I know I am new here...and I am glad i stumbled on this. It is a nice outlet and seems to have people like me on this board. Which I have found hard to find. I just had a couple questions since I was curious...
1. What diagnosis does your Depressed person have?
2. How long have you been dealing with this third "thing" in your relationship?
3. Do you have kids and if so, how much do you share/do they know?
4. How committed are you to staying?
5. What have YOU done for yourself to help you deal with it?
My Answers to start it off:
1. Bipolar II, severe anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder, major depressive disorder and then a touch of OCD (luckily not too many rituals - no counting ones anyway)
2. Been together since 1999 Married in 2000...was under MUCH better control the first 5 years or so...just keeps getting worse. Once in a while we have a good 6 month or year stretch bust for the most part the last 10 have been a lot of down and a few ups
3. Yes, one a 8th grader. I share it all. Well, almost all. I never want to hide it because I don;t want him to think his dad is a jerk or that any of the yelling is because of him. I also don't want to have to explain suddenly if suicide ever becomes a reality which is always a real possibility. He has known about it since he was 5 - when my husband had a hospitalization the day my son started kindergarten that lasted 2 weeks. He knows its a disease and it is not dad and that sometimes we have to make adjustments to our day/life/schedule/plans because of dad's illness. Its not fair but it is what it is and we do it because we love dad and he loves us and that is why he tries hard.
4. At this point I have no intention of ever leaving. I am in it forever as long as my husband does not give up. Its super hard to do and sometimes I just want to give up but I know deep down I will not and and I can get thru it. I don;t think that anything could ever get worse than what we have already been thru and keep going thru so aside from suicide and well if that happens there would not have been anything I could have done to stop it. (7 hospitalizations, Electroshock therapy, drug cocktails, MAOIs, you name it we have done it all)
5. Talking to friends - not that helpful. Doing things on my own - an ok distraction sometimes but sometimes no help at all. Therapy - a joke for me. Hubs always tries to project on me and tell me I need therapy and to indulge him I have gone but both times I have caved and done this for a while, after a few visits, the therapist and I run out of things to talk about and they usually conclude I am well adjusted and handling things the right way all around. Just acting normal and not getting sucked into his manipulations - hardest thing to do but in the end most effective. Sometimes it pushes him even darker but most of the time, it makes the mood change faster for the better. Reading books on it - eh. most suck or end up telling you to leave. Not my plan. Boards online - usually short term helpful but they usually always turn into bashing sessions of the depressed ones - hoping this one does not. Support groups in person - nope...usually the few I have been to have been full of depression newbies and they talk a lot about basics of what depression is and they are just beginning the depression journey so they are NO HELP at all to me....Basically the thing that helps most I guess is just remembering the good times or not thinking too much about the bad ones.
1. What diagnosis does your Depressed person have?
2. How long have you been dealing with this third "thing" in your relationship?
3. Do you have kids and if so, how much do you share/do they know?
4. How committed are you to staying?
5. What have YOU done for yourself to help you deal with it?
My Answers to start it off:
1. Bipolar II, severe anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder, major depressive disorder and then a touch of OCD (luckily not too many rituals - no counting ones anyway)
2. Been together since 1999 Married in 2000...was under MUCH better control the first 5 years or so...just keeps getting worse. Once in a while we have a good 6 month or year stretch bust for the most part the last 10 have been a lot of down and a few ups
3. Yes, one a 8th grader. I share it all. Well, almost all. I never want to hide it because I don;t want him to think his dad is a jerk or that any of the yelling is because of him. I also don't want to have to explain suddenly if suicide ever becomes a reality which is always a real possibility. He has known about it since he was 5 - when my husband had a hospitalization the day my son started kindergarten that lasted 2 weeks. He knows its a disease and it is not dad and that sometimes we have to make adjustments to our day/life/schedule/plans because of dad's illness. Its not fair but it is what it is and we do it because we love dad and he loves us and that is why he tries hard.
4. At this point I have no intention of ever leaving. I am in it forever as long as my husband does not give up. Its super hard to do and sometimes I just want to give up but I know deep down I will not and and I can get thru it. I don;t think that anything could ever get worse than what we have already been thru and keep going thru so aside from suicide and well if that happens there would not have been anything I could have done to stop it. (7 hospitalizations, Electroshock therapy, drug cocktails, MAOIs, you name it we have done it all)
5. Talking to friends - not that helpful. Doing things on my own - an ok distraction sometimes but sometimes no help at all. Therapy - a joke for me. Hubs always tries to project on me and tell me I need therapy and to indulge him I have gone but both times I have caved and done this for a while, after a few visits, the therapist and I run out of things to talk about and they usually conclude I am well adjusted and handling things the right way all around. Just acting normal and not getting sucked into his manipulations - hardest thing to do but in the end most effective. Sometimes it pushes him even darker but most of the time, it makes the mood change faster for the better. Reading books on it - eh. most suck or end up telling you to leave. Not my plan. Boards online - usually short term helpful but they usually always turn into bashing sessions of the depressed ones - hoping this one does not. Support groups in person - nope...usually the few I have been to have been full of depression newbies and they talk a lot about basics of what depression is and they are just beginning the depression journey so they are NO HELP at all to me....Basically the thing that helps most I guess is just remembering the good times or not thinking too much about the bad ones.
1. Husband was diagnosed with "situational depression" abotu 6 years ago, it subsided, and now he's got an "issue" again but insists it is not depression.
2. This latest episode has been going on for a year and a half. It began when I caught him in an emotional affair with a coworker that had been going on for 3 months.
3. I have two, 6 and 3 years old. The older one knows dad has a mental health problem, probably depression. Husband was angry that I told son that, but son was starting to think that dad was angry at him and was staying away on "break" because of him. So I am as age-appropriately honest with him as possible. The younger one doesn't really understand what's going on anyway, so I don't share as much because she just doesn't "get it."
4. I am committed to staying if he's committed to working on his issues which he does not appear to be right now. I am committed as long as I am financially dependent on him which will be until the end of the summer when I finish my graduate school project and can look to go back to work full time.
5. I found a counselor who did phone appointments. I did guided relaxation sessions. I made an effort to reach out to my community. I am honest with friends and neighbors about what is going on, and they have all been amazing. My new crush, even though he has no idea he's my crush, (but maybe just the emotional effects of the crush) has been huge in getting me past some of my anxiety and sadness.
1) Mine is simply "depressed" with anxiety disorder and his gen practitioner says he has OCD, it has been suggested that he is bipolar and I completely agree and believe them. However for him, bipolar people are insane so therfore he is not bipolar. You know how that goes.
2) About 1 month into our dating I realized that this man was extremely depressed. I remember the moment I realized very vividly and I sat in my car talking to myself about if i wanted to try this out, was I willing to be with a depressed person forever? If not it was going to be over. But he is so loving and sweet I decided yes, I could handle depression. That was over 5 1/2 years ago.
3) No kids. We spoke of kids often in the beginning and I think as time has gone on it is something I cannot do in our situation nor can he. It is sad but okay :) I am with the love of my life and we still have a few years if we want kids and if not I am very happy as it is so I am okay with it. I'd rather be with him with no kids, or have him leave running away one day with no kids... then have to raise kids essentially what I would be alone and not have a comfortable amount of money to ease some stress. I would feel guilty if our situation weren't better and they had to go through this.
4) I am 100% committed to staying. But I don't try so hard for us anymore. I have learned he will not try as hard as I do and I work very hard to stop bending over backwards so often. I try my best to relax when he panics and leave the door open for him and so far he hasn't left. However, I will no longer chase him down the street when he is driving away and cry my eyes out when he wants to go. Like I say I try my best... so there are definitely times I do panic and sob uncontrollably... usually once a month if he is bad and it is during that time... I know I will be slightly crazy seeming ;)
5) I come here and read often. I read many articles and books on the topic and I try to focus on me. I am very bad at not spending most of my money on him. I don't save stuff for me however he isn't good about me being gone. I love yoga but he is terrible about not showing me how angry he is that I will be gone at yoga when I could be home with him. I do for me and take care of me. Sometimes better than others. I too act normal and dont even acknowledge that depression is in the room very often. I ignore a lot of his behaviors or go read in the other room. I have learned to put my foot down on unacceptable behavior a little more. And remembering the good times. I had bad mornings on Saturday and Monday... but I was able to pull him outside and go on a drive and a walk both days... and spend a little money on him. But it was worth it for those very happy days. I have been especially living vicariously through my Saturday self. He held my hand, we walked around, went to eat... beautiful day. It is a day that will have my battery recharged for awhile. :) Hopefully he doesn't make it die too soon ;)
2. Married in 2001 and for the first 11 years, it was normal. He takes his cocktail of medication and life were pretty much normal. He was able to hold a good job with a good company and we have a daughter. It was only in the last 2 years where things went downhill to the point where he could no longer work.
3. We only have 1 - a 7 year old girl. When hubs was inpatient in the summer of 2012, she was only 5 1/2. We did visit him in the psych ward but she didn't ask a lot of questions. We just told her daddy is in the hospital. She does not know her father suffers from mental illness. I don't even know how to explain to her (at her age).
4. I'm committed to stay as long as he is committed to getting himself better. I have not thought of leaving.
5. I would sometimes talk to my MIL. I seldom talk to friends as I know most of them won't understand and there's always a stigma to mental illness. I have never been to a support group or therapist. I'm a very balance person and emotionally strong. I do yoga weekly to de-stress, it 'exorcise' me....:)