Depression Supporters Support Group

This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.

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/ Depression Supporters Support Group

Over Thinking..

Here4Him
Here4Him

This is my first time doing this and I tend to ramble so stick with me as I try not too. There are so many details to our situation but the main thing you need to know is my husband has been struggling with depression for nearing 20 years but has been in a low for the better part of a year. I have run myself to the ends of the earth this year to support him, our kids, our life and I am tired. I am tired of constantly worrying. I can't have a conversation with my husband, my best friend without thinking how every word I say is going to affect him emotionally. I can't even ask him if he wants a cup of coffee without thinking... 'If I ask him if he wants a cup of coffee is he going to think I am trying to motivate him. It would be nice if it would give him some energy. Is caffeine really that bad for anxiety? I wonder if he even wants coffee.. omg just ask him already!" Beyond over thinking everything, I do everything for him. I talk to his employees, I make decisions for him, I talk to the banks, I talk to the doctors, I schedule his appointments, I make the money, do the bookwork for his failing business without pay, and I take on a 100th challenge of selling skin care products to make extra money. I do everything for him. Am I supporting his depression? Is my supporting him really just giving him permission to be depressed because if I do it all the pressure is off him? Does that even make sense? 


He has started working a little now that I have taken care of selling the failed business but he refuses to make a decision about what he want to do with the rest of his life. He needs to take some responsibility for his family especially his kids. Waiting is hard. I know it takes time to overcome depression but waiting is hard.  

whatimeantosay
whatimeantosay
Yes, I think you may be enabling his depression. (If it makes you feel better, I'm guilty, too!)

I would do less for him. Focus on doing what MUST be done (feeding your family, keeping the house is decent order, your own social life and personal growth, watching him take medication if necessary) and leave the rest to him. Don't bring him his food in bed. Don't put his laundry away. If his businesses bring in money, maybe you'll have to do some babysitting there, but if they aren't, let them fail. He's depending on you to handle everything, and you are living up to his expectations (because you are superwoman! and he knows it). Maybe you can encourage him super gently re working the little bit that he does while you step back from the day to day.
JennReyn
JennReyn
My husband was recently diagnosed with depression and is on medication. He seems overwhelmed by what should happen next. He tends to mope a lot and sleep a lot, all of which is pretty typical with people with depression. I started making him responsible for caring for the older kids, make him take out the trash etc. Remember to have a "Me" day or "Me" time. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.
Here4Him
Here4Him
Thank you for your replies. It's good to hear the encouragement. Luckily the business has sold but we are still dealing with everything for taxes. I have tried to start giving him more odd jobs such as taking checks to the bank, the trash, asked him to clean today, etc. He really needs to be out making money but I know baby steps...
ConfusedHusband
ConfusedHusband
I feel your pain. My wife can work, but is useless at home. No matter what I do she is angry with me. Since her depression kicked in she sits in bed daily from the time she gets home till bed. It’s a lonely life, and it hurts to see someone you love feel this way. Her thinking isn’t rational, and giving her space is what the therapist suggested. It’s hard to not talk to my best friend. I hope your husband starts to be there for you more. I know it’s hard.
Girlfriend24
Girlfriend24
Our therapist told me to be direct with my feelings to my boyfriend because I was not saying what I wanted to him because of his depression. She said how they feel we can't control even if you are saying " I need you to do more stuff around the house" they take it as " I am lazy and aren't good enough" that is an issue you can't control or stop it's how they think and it's easier to not say anything than to say it but it doesn't go away is what she told me
ConfusedHusband
ConfusedHusband
It’s hard, and I feel your pain. I can handle the day to day duties, even though I fall a little behind. It’s the seeing them depressed and alone, then feeling alone myself that drives me to insanity. I love my wife, and I hate not being able to help.