Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
So, the drinking is still at bay but the mood....oh the mood....
The last week, he is back to blaming me for his mood. Its funny though, Mine is so intelligent and so manipulative and narcisisstic. If I spend time with him, I am annoying him becuase I am being pushy or patronizing but f I ignore him or do my own thing becuase he can't handle something like going to my neice's grad party alone or going up town for breakfast with a friend for an hour or even when drove our son to the humane society where he volunteers and just did the grocery shopping while he was there for his 2 hour time slot so I would not have to drive the 20 minute each way drive 4 times (there and back to drop off and there and back to oick up), I clearly don't want to be with him and we are living seperate lives.
In the last week I have asked him to: go to the movies, out to dinner, go to his sisters for a BBQ, go up north with me when I go for work at the beginning of August as a family vacation, go to the DIA (art museum), Farmers market up town, watch a movie that I picked on TV with me, go for an ice cream, swimming, my son has asked to go bowling, play catch in the yard, go to the batting cages, hubs to go volunteer with him at the humane society, I am sure I am forgetting some....not ONE has he done or agreed to but yet, I don;t want to be with him or do anything with him.
We are back on the "you chose your mother over me" thing. (my mom was dying and I took care of her for 8 years - I am an only child and my dad was dead and she was blind, on dialysis and poor - so no $$ - who else is going to do it?) becuase I thought he was ok - that was early on in our marriage and my being away so much to take care of her - another demanding, depressed and selfish person, apparently was the catalyst he says that tipped him over the edge to wanting to kill himself again. I will admit his depression was no where near this level and the hospitalizations did not start till about 5 years in with her and i DID ignore him and our son. I was pulled in two directions between she and he and she woudl say I ignored her for him and he would tell yo the exact opposite, My life was awful during that time. anyway, he has never forgiven me and will never see that it was not a choice but an obligation and he is back on that train. she has been dead 6 years come July 26th - can we get past it?
Well my favorite comments are starting this weekend - "I won't be around much longer anyway", "I am trying here but when it gets to be too much I am just going to check out and there is nothing you can do about that", "its my life and I will do what I want", "I should get to do what I want for 10 years like you did taking care of your mother", "I don;t want to live like this - I love you but you obviously don;t love me the way that you used to", "I am not happy with my life, this is not what I want", "I have no motivation to do anything", "Nothing brings me joy and you don;t care and our son does not care", "Why even try to find a new therapist, its only an hour every coupdl of weeks and i have to live with this every hour of every day an hour escape is not enough", "no one cares anyway", "Bet you hate the weekends and probably canlt wait to go back to work monday so you don't have to deal with this" " Does not matter what I say or why we have this convesation because nothing changes and it des not matter anyway we just say the same things and tomorrow it will be like this never happened" Oh the litany just goes on and on and on and on......
I am getting worried. My travel season starts up in another week...granted most of it is day travel but I still stress when I leave the house at 5:30am and get home at 5pm...I am exhausted but I have to put on this "I am ready to be with you" face and maybe that is what he is seeing...maybe. He says I don;t trust him, but how can I when I can't really depend on him? How can I sahre my feelings and not be strong or dump emotion on him when he cant handle his own emotions? Why would I lean on him for support when I am afraid he can;t even support himself? How can I trust him to get thru this on his own and not step in to help when over and over he has needed my help to get thru things? And when I do sit back and let him go it alone, he accuses me of not caring or just worring about me and how things affect me.
I know that I can;t do anything and I know there is nothing to say. I guess I just wanted to explan to some peole who undersatnd what this feels like. Damned if you do and damned if you don't....
He is going to be pissed again today when I am gone for 2 hours while my son is at the humane society. He is gone now - my hubs...he went to work out...did I bitch? no. he is back gotta go...
The last week, he is back to blaming me for his mood. Its funny though, Mine is so intelligent and so manipulative and narcisisstic. If I spend time with him, I am annoying him becuase I am being pushy or patronizing but f I ignore him or do my own thing becuase he can't handle something like going to my neice's grad party alone or going up town for breakfast with a friend for an hour or even when drove our son to the humane society where he volunteers and just did the grocery shopping while he was there for his 2 hour time slot so I would not have to drive the 20 minute each way drive 4 times (there and back to drop off and there and back to oick up), I clearly don't want to be with him and we are living seperate lives.
In the last week I have asked him to: go to the movies, out to dinner, go to his sisters for a BBQ, go up north with me when I go for work at the beginning of August as a family vacation, go to the DIA (art museum), Farmers market up town, watch a movie that I picked on TV with me, go for an ice cream, swimming, my son has asked to go bowling, play catch in the yard, go to the batting cages, hubs to go volunteer with him at the humane society, I am sure I am forgetting some....not ONE has he done or agreed to but yet, I don;t want to be with him or do anything with him.
We are back on the "you chose your mother over me" thing. (my mom was dying and I took care of her for 8 years - I am an only child and my dad was dead and she was blind, on dialysis and poor - so no $$ - who else is going to do it?) becuase I thought he was ok - that was early on in our marriage and my being away so much to take care of her - another demanding, depressed and selfish person, apparently was the catalyst he says that tipped him over the edge to wanting to kill himself again. I will admit his depression was no where near this level and the hospitalizations did not start till about 5 years in with her and i DID ignore him and our son. I was pulled in two directions between she and he and she woudl say I ignored her for him and he would tell yo the exact opposite, My life was awful during that time. anyway, he has never forgiven me and will never see that it was not a choice but an obligation and he is back on that train. she has been dead 6 years come July 26th - can we get past it?
Well my favorite comments are starting this weekend - "I won't be around much longer anyway", "I am trying here but when it gets to be too much I am just going to check out and there is nothing you can do about that", "its my life and I will do what I want", "I should get to do what I want for 10 years like you did taking care of your mother", "I don;t want to live like this - I love you but you obviously don;t love me the way that you used to", "I am not happy with my life, this is not what I want", "I have no motivation to do anything", "Nothing brings me joy and you don;t care and our son does not care", "Why even try to find a new therapist, its only an hour every coupdl of weeks and i have to live with this every hour of every day an hour escape is not enough", "no one cares anyway", "Bet you hate the weekends and probably canlt wait to go back to work monday so you don't have to deal with this" " Does not matter what I say or why we have this convesation because nothing changes and it des not matter anyway we just say the same things and tomorrow it will be like this never happened" Oh the litany just goes on and on and on and on......
I am getting worried. My travel season starts up in another week...granted most of it is day travel but I still stress when I leave the house at 5:30am and get home at 5pm...I am exhausted but I have to put on this "I am ready to be with you" face and maybe that is what he is seeing...maybe. He says I don;t trust him, but how can I when I can't really depend on him? How can I sahre my feelings and not be strong or dump emotion on him when he cant handle his own emotions? Why would I lean on him for support when I am afraid he can;t even support himself? How can I trust him to get thru this on his own and not step in to help when over and over he has needed my help to get thru things? And when I do sit back and let him go it alone, he accuses me of not caring or just worring about me and how things affect me.
I know that I can;t do anything and I know there is nothing to say. I guess I just wanted to explan to some peole who undersatnd what this feels like. Damned if you do and damned if you don't....
He is going to be pissed again today when I am gone for 2 hours while my son is at the humane society. He is gone now - my hubs...he went to work out...did I bitch? no. he is back gotta go...
My spouse also would threaten to take his own life. That's also part of abuse. He would even tell my son (who was in college at the time) that he was going to try to by a gun to off himself. Who tells that to their son? An abusive alcoholic does. He wanted everyone to feel sorry for him. You see, his own upbringing was so horrible that it should excuse his current behavior. BS!
I hope you're getting counseling. From your post I sense that you're living in fear. This relationship is very unhealthy. My children have been in therapy for years because of their father. What are your plans?
I get that I am emotionally abused, however I also choose to stay in it. I am not exactly a weak person and to be honest in the end while he does have the ability to hurt my feelings, in the end he does not have the ability to change who I am or how I do things.
The alchol is a recent development. it was a 6 month stint...he was never a drinker before. mine almost ALWAYS remembers what he does or says. Only three times has he not and it has to do more with his psych meds than when he drinks.
The only fear I live in is the exhaustion of what am I opening the door to today, Dr. Jeckyl or Mr. Hyde? He really does not unleash the flood of "depair and misery" on our child and usually waits till he is asleep before he starts down this road with me...Maybe that is why I find it so exhausting. The day seems to go fine and then after 10 pm is when it takes its dark turn and the later he stays up the worse it gets.
My plans are nothing. I stay, I cope, I do what I need to do, my child does what he needs to do and if something happens to my husband or my husband does something to himself, there would have been nothing I could have done differently to prevent it.
We have all done counseling. Its not for me. apparently every therapist I have seen eventually concludes I am well adjusted and my son also has been and usually after a few months its pointless. Luckily it seems he has inherited my resilience. Also we have raised him knowing dad has this and its a disease and sometimes dad says and does things that he should not and not to take any of it to heart. I think it was harder when he was younger but now that he is 13 he understandis it better than most 20 year olds. I guess we are lucky that way.
I fully know that my husbands life will end one of two ways - either at his own hand somewhere other than our house and I even know the method - jumping off something really high or pills (which he did try in his 20's and chickened out and went to the ER) OR the more likely scenario, health issues from diabetes 20 years from now.
My understanding now is the more he talks about suicide and that the less likely it is to happen. The only times he has ever really been serious about it, he stopped talking about it and there was a behavior shift that is noticible - like being more agreeable, more "pretend" and a choice to stop meds usually occurs. Its taken me years to understand threats from truly serious behavior but now I actually can tell and he is like a predictible book.
This board is a place to vent. A place to say things to never say to them - but things you can only say to those in teh same boat becuase ven therapists dont get it sometimes. Sometines the only ones who understand are those that live it.
I tell you this, as one mom to another, because I was actually caught off guard when she began having issues. Because, like you, I thought she was okay and would simply lead a normal life. I hope your child is stronger than mine, but I always thought mine was tough as nails.
goodness those moods! I just don't understand why they don't try a little harder to stay out of them. I know they hate being in them... they are miserable in that place. Why not try to not be miserable?
You describe your exhaustion perfectly... will I open the door to Dr. Jeckyl, or Mr. Hyde? That is my same exhaustion... I am mentally and physically fatigued from it so often. You much like me are resilient... I know that feeling. I talk myself through many scenarios and calm myself regularly in order to be prepared for what mood he may be in. It is worth it for the one you love I 100% believe that. I know I will never love another as I do him, and I know that I will never feel the love for anyone else as I do him. However, I know I am happiest with him but I will make sure I am happy without him if he ever did run away.
Next week I leave for a work trip. Oh it will not be good! It will not be a happy time! I am scared, I wanted to go so badly, it is great for my resume and will help as we try to move which is what he wants and me too... but the process of getting it on there is not good. Oh, I am concerned... I hope it is okay. I love him. I know you love yours... it is worth it. Stay strong, keep coming here, and stay resilient... it is when we lose our strength that we really begin to struggle and therefore they struggle more. They need us to be strong.
Brownielove - welcome back! Go on your work trip. Believe it or not. He will be fine. I always worry about mine when I go away too. Its the co dependent part of me. I go on a week away for the 1st week of. August for work. I am taking our son with me - I usually do for this trip. He actually told me to take the kid because he is looking forward to watching. Like 4 movies a day and just chilling out. I know he will be lonely. And counting the days till I get back but sometimes its good for them to miss you.
I am going on the trip... There's nothing else I can do about it. He's starting to scare me in all honesty. He's thinking of taking a car title loan to buy junk. I don't know what that entails as far as when he doesn't pay it and what not. I told him just to sell the car. Ugh!