This just sounds so hard, I'm so sorry you're dealing with so much! Do you have a counselor you can talk to at all? Also, is he willing to go to counseling? The medications can be helpful but seems like they aren't enough for him by themselves, and that he might benefit from some mental health counseling as well. Sounds like he is well aware of how bad his behavior is, with the apologies and telling you to find someone else, and feels awful about it but doesn't seem to be able to control it. It's going to have to be up to him to take further action to try to address his problems - there is only so much you can do.

I know it must be hard with 4 kids, and one who is so young, but it sounds like you need to put yourself first sometimes and have some self care if possible. I realize that is hard with him sleeping so much, etc.

I started seeing a counselor pretty immediately when my husband got hit with a really bad depression. He also turns to drinking, sleeping medications and benzodiazepines, and I know how hard that can be. My counselor recommended a book to me called "Get Your Loved One Sober". I'm not sure how much of it would apply to you, but I think there are some good tips in there. I know for me, when my husband started being kind of mean and taking verbal jabs at me, and being extremely negative in general, it was very shocking because it wasn't like him. He was so hard to be around. I called him out on it, though, and the book and my counselor helped me find ways to point out his behavior to him without setting him off. That part has gotten better.

I totally understand the resentment building because you're doing it all - I have the same problem. I pretty much only see my husband lying down and/or sleeping these days, and he misses a lot of work (his job is a big source of his unhappiness and anxiety attacks). Just like yours, he only does things if they absolutely need doing and it isn't something I am able to do on my own, and then goes back to lying down. I understand depression is a disease/disability, but it is still hard not to feel resentful. I guess it isn't like he's out having a blast while I am working full time and taking care of stuff at home - so I know I should keep that in mind but it is still exhausting. Also hard that we really don't do anything fun or productive anymore - we just do very little together at all.

I don't know if anything I've said is helpful at all, but know you are not alone!

Hi,
I want you to know that you are not alone. I am feeling quite the same way. My husband and I have a very stressful and busy business and his depression is breaking him down so much that by the time he does come home to me and our girls he has not much to give. He can sit and not talk for hours and yet I could be having the worst day ever and need support.
I've never felt so alone...

Thank you both for your reply. It does help to know that I am not the only one feeling this way. It's comforting to know that my feelings are normal when in this situation. I'm so sorry the two of you are going through some of the same issues as well.

I have not tried counseling. I know I probably should. Figuring out how to do that with 4 kids is a whole other issue. We recently moved to the area so I don't really know anyone who I trust with watching my kids. My sister lives near and has been so much help, but she has a full time job in the city. I was hoping these forums would tie me over until I can arrange to talk to a professional.

My husband is on day 3 of coming off of one of his meds (Dr's orders). We've experienced coming off of meds before and it has been hell. This one is hell too. I'm just hoping it gets better soon. He was put on a new med about a week ago, so maybe that one will start kicking in and do some good.

Thanks again for your reply!

I find counseling useless once that person has the depression. There isn't help in the world that will make it hurt any less. The only way not to feel pain from them is to turn to ice. But then whats the point if both parties are cold? I wish I had answers.

How are things going? I hope things have gotten a little better/easier for you and ur beautiful children... I must admit from one day to the next my resentment can differ so much and I think a big part of that is depending on my husbands mood... it's so hard as we have no family support so trying to find time with little kids is hard. I hope this forum is helping u get through- I know it has for me... my counsellor explained to me that some people need the instant satisfaction action (which is me) which basically means I need to vent straight away or it manifests and my anxiety builds and emotions run wild! Yet some people can sit and time heals etc etc maybe that's why this chat helps me because I let it all out and not have to feel so alone even with the kids demanding something lol

Looking forward to hearing hopefully something positive xxx

Things are better right now. Some of the new meds have calmed things down a bit. He hasn't had any episodes lately. I still feel like I walk on eggshells with him at times. He still gets defensive with even the smallest criticism, but he seems to be able to handle it better. I have been trying to change my approach too. I try to recognize when a conversation looks like it might turn in to a huge deal and I just walk away. That still sucks but we are managing.
The sleep stuff is still super annoying. But it has gotten better. Still has to nap during the day (only 1 nap though which is an improvement) and is hard to wake up. He is more present with the kids lately and helps more than before. I still notice that he has to have beer more than I would like him to.
He started seeing a therapist about a month ago. He hasn't said anything negative about her so I will take that as a small victory. We shall see, I guess.
It really helps a lot to read these posts and know I am not alone.I like you, I need to vent right away. I have also been reading some books about depression fallout for spouses and lived ones. That helps too.

Glad to hear that things are slightly better... remember it's just small little victories along the way. Keep focussing on how far I've come and not how much further u want to be and I think that helps...

Always here if u want to private message too x

Great advice. Thanks!

Just wanted to check in and see how things are going... I know with two littlies im always keeping busy so can just imagine with 4 what that would be like- especially on school holidays and it nearly being Christmas and all...

Hope ur ok x

Everything has been calm around here the past few days. I could even call it "pleasant" actually. He sees his therapist on Thursday and I notice it gives him an extra little boost (even though he would never admit it...lol). Hopefully it continues into the holidays.

Hope things are going good for you and your little ones.

Thank you, I am so happy to hear. It's hard to feel almost comfortable saying things are going good because we never know how long it will last but I've learnt to except it and enjoy it and almost ride the waves lol
We are doing really good and I know I have been 100% selfless in helping my hubby through some really stressful days but at the same time I've started standing up for myself and knowing what it is that my kids and I both need. So u could say that my own confidence in my ability to make myself happy has grown... I think that's important...

You've described almost exactly my situation. I have 3 kids 10, 7 and 6 months. My hubby is the same.

I am in the same boat. We have been married 7 years but together 12. we have 3 girls, 10, 9 and 3. the hurtful things he has said to me are heartbreaking...to see him go through this is heartbreaking cause there really isn't ne thing we can do to help. and my husband went one farther and had an affair while the depression was at its worst...so I am trying to deal with that as well....one day at a time....

Just remember to take care of yourself....we are all here to support you!