Depression Supporters Support Group

This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.

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StrongTogether17 03/29/2018

My husband has had depression for several years and it never effected our sex life until now. After our wedding last year his libido has plummeted. He says he wants to have sex, but sometimes he can't find the urge or he'll say hes tired. He told me he's still attracted to me, but he rarely initiates sex anymore & when I try he often tells me he's tired.

I've never felt comfortable initiating in the 1st place (he did the majority of the time), so every rejection is particularly hurtful. Sometimes I can't help but get upset when he tells me he's tired, but he said that adds pressure on him. But when I'm not initiating he says that's pressure too because he feels like I'm waiting for him. I feel like I can't win either way. I miss the days when we didn't have to think about sex & it would happen naturally. Now I feel like we're both thinking about it too hard and are avoiding it. It's been 3 weeks :(

These issues aren't helping his depression. I know that he feels guilt & shame and he said that he feels sorry for me, which only made me angry. Because he's a man and feels like he's not pleasing me it diminishes him in some way. He won't believe that he pleases me & I just want more of it. Anyone else have similar experiences with their partner?

StrongTogether17 03/29/2018

Btw he's not taking any medications or seeing a therapist (hes looking for a therapist now).

whatimeantosay 04/04/2018

Yes. My situation is a little complicated because I’m pregnant and we had a baby two years ago, so my hormones are all over the place. In January I told him that I wanted to have more sex and then we had an argument (really????) and then didn’t have sex for three weeks. When we did I cried the whole time because I felt that he didn’t care about me and was not attracted to me (it’s hard to feel attractive while you’re pregnant anyway). Since then his hygiene has become an issue and I sometimes can’t believe I can fall asleep in the room with him. Haven’t spoken to him about that, but obviously not helping. I’ve never been very sex motivated and it’s funny to me that *im* the one demanding more sex. I’ve given up on it. I suppose later I’ll pick it up again as an issue I should try to address, but also I know that for several months after baby I won’t want to anyway. Very bad for the relationship, but I’m in an apathetic phase right now. Sorry to hear about your struggles. Definitely I’ve had to initiate more often. One thing I did do in the past year- we went to a workshop on tantra (not tantric sex exactly) and that was great. It was hard to pry him out of the house, but we learned some stuff that we still use occasionally. Don’t know how helpful that would be for you, but it could reduce the pressure maybe?

AKLP 04/04/2018

It is not clear from your post--do you talk about the sex issues in the bedroom/when the situation comes up? Or have you also tried bringing it up, like, over dinner and you're both in good spirits?

I have similar issues with my husband, and I'm very conscious of when I bring up the subject. I don't want to come from an angry place either.

StrongTogether17 04/07/2018

@whatimeantosay I'll definitely look into tantric. I'll try anything!
@aklp I don't bring up sex issues in the bedroom. The times I have brought it up, were when we were hanging in our living room & feeling comfortable. Its still hard for him to talk about and I try not to show my frustration. We've had sex since my last post so all isn't lost :) One day at a time.

ladybug456 04/21/2018

I’m new to the group but I can say that I am 100% in the same boat. I’ve been with my boyfriend for awhile now with a wonderful sex life but for the past two months he’s been having these exact same problems. It’s been so incredibly hurtful to me and I feel guilty about it. I know that he’s having such a hard time right now but the constant rejection is taking a serious toll on me. I’m an extremely self conscious person already, so every time I try to get his attention I just end up more and more upset. And forget about talking about it, I can’t risk making him feel even worse than he already does. It’s so frustrating not being able to talk about it with him or anyone else and I’m so relieved I saw your post and realized I wasn’t alone. I wish I had some advice for you, but I hope you find some comfort that you’re not alone in this.

RobCinMtP 04/27/2018

You are most certainly not alone. I remember being in that exact situation. Her not wanting to be intimate hurt my self-confidence and made me feel like less of a man. After being rejected so many times I made the decision that I would stop trying to initiate. Well, coming up on 1 year since we last had anything close to sex. I know that sex drive is often a casualty in the battle against depression. At the moment I am ok with things the way they are in my relationship, but it is a tough decision that many of us face. It isn’t something that our partners intentionally deprive us of; they don’t love us any less. We do also have needs though and we must take those into account and do what is right for us (whatever that means).

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