I'm currently going through the same thing with my boyfriend...I love him and want to do as much as I can for him but sometimes it's just so tiring to be strong for two people when I can barely be strong enough for myself. The best thing that you can do for yourself is to have a hobby which you can do to get away from your own stress and take a break from your boyfriend as well. I chose running and my long runs are my way of dealing with the stress that has built up in my world. I think I would go crazy if I didn't have that in my life.
I know it's difficult to always have a smiling face for someone else when it seems like you get no help when you don't feel like smiling. Find time for yourself and the things you love and it will get a little easier.

I agree with alphabethsoop. Spending time on yourself and taking care of and loving on yourself is a great first step. I also think it's ok to lean on your friends and family - it's what they're there for. Venting is important. (Although, I have seen times where I've created the wrong impression about a loved one because I ONLY vent about him/her. That can be tricky.) Another thing that occurs to me to say is this: "It's ok to be tired." You're not super human, you're human. You are definitely allowed to have down days and feel depleted across the board. If you don't let yourself feel these negative feelings, giving yourself a chance to process them through, my experience is that it all compounds and gets worse. It's important to be where you really are. ...those are my two bits!

While you may not be the one clinically depressed, watching a loved one battle that sort of pain is its own form of trauma. I second what the others said--be sure to take care of yourself, whether it's through taking a walk, journaling, or whatever works for you. Communication is incredibly important, so it's good that you have a few friends you can talk to, but unless there's a specific reason you're hesitant to open up more to other friends and family, I'd highly encourage you to do so. You can only receive the support you ask for. It's also important to communicate with your boyfriend. I'm sure he already knows his illness impacts you, and it's not fair for him to expect you to be his only emotional support. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking if there anyone else he can turn to for support on the days you are just too tired. My partner also suffers with severe depression and I feel pretty much everything you mentioned. All you can do is hang in there and know you're not alone.

I too am going through the exact same thing, in fact we sound like we're in very similar situations with boyfriends of 3.5 years struggling with depression. It's so comforting for me to hear that your boyfriend does the same as mine with, "Every time he walks away from me while I'm in the middle of a story about my day, every time I talk for multiple minutes just to find out that he's not listening at all, every time he craps on my mood and positivity with his negative thoughts...it's hard." I thought it was just me, that I was the only one having this experience, but just reading your words is a relief because I go through the exact same thing with my boyfriend. He started individual therapy about 6 months ago, and we, as a couple started couples counseling a couple of weeks ago, to help us cope with his depression, and I came here to get an individual outlet, the same as you.

Wow, this is only my second day on this site and I feel a sense of relief already. Knowing I am not alone helps me realise I'm not going crazy or I'm not being selfish or I'm not suppose to just ignore the fact that I NEED HELP too! I have bad days and I am so tired of holding us all up coz I'm not sure if u have any children but I have two and so on top of holding both me and my husband up- I able to hold them up too- holding everyone up and together so our little "family" can function.... And that's hard.

Thank you, thank you for writing this on here and being so honest and open. I feel better and as silly as it might sound I hope u do too. I don't have much advice (hence why I'm on here as well) but maybe just knowing ur not alone can ease ur mind somewha too...

Would love to hear more from u if u want to open up, we can hopefully build on our strength and work thru this one day at a time.....

Every response to this post has put a smile on my face. Every time each of you has said 'me too' has made such a difference! It feels good to know I'm not alone in this.

My boyfriend and I have made some strides in the past month. I have learned that every time he is feeling helpless and self deprecating, I gently remind him that it's the depression speaking, not him. I think that sometimes it actually makes him feel a little better. And every bit helps! I have also learned that he is significantly happier with a set schedule, so we plan our weeks ahead of time and I try to assign him tasks so that he has things to focus on. It hasn't been perfect, but it has been getting better. The most important thing I have decided is that I am not willing to give up, and I remind him of that often. I believe it comforts him to know that I am there for him and will always be there for him. Love is a crazy thing.

As for me, I have truly read these responses and taken them to heart. I am sprinkling more workouts into my routine and I have also been cooking a lot more which is something that is very calming for me. Most nights, I will take about an hour to myself just to read a book. This helps me to be less stressed, which means that I can more rationally help him when he is hyper anxious.

In addition to these things, we have also opened up to his parents about the severity of his condition. The support has been great from them and I have also received a decent amount of praise for being so patient and loving. That was a good feeling.

So just know, even if your friends and family aren't praising you for being there for your loved one struggling with depression - I see you. I know you. I understand you. You are doing a great job and your loved one appreciates you more than you will ever know. Don't waiver from them (assuming the situation hasn't escalated to a point of leaving) and reassure them that you are there, always.

Thank you all for the time you have taken to offer me advice and solace.

Thank you... That last part is exactly what I needed to hear. I get no help or praise or encouragement from anyone. Not one single person.
A) because we have no family around to know about it all
B) because not many people know about how severe it is
C) because , to me, it's like the few that do know don't understand how serious it really is!

I called one of our mutual friends in tears the other day saying that I was scared because I felt like he had suicidal thoughts (not sure if he actually did but his messages to me just seemed very dark and low)
She said not to worry and that he seemed fine!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Wow... I found this support group earlier this morning after doing some research because I am going through - word for word - exactly what you are going through @ss888g - as well as others here who have said the same thing. Reading these posts sincerely brought a lump to my throat, because your experiences resonate so much with mine...

My boyfriend and I have been together coming up on 3 years, and his anxiety and depression has continuously gotten worse. As you said, I feel like there is little space for me in our home/life together in the sense that I rarely get to thoroughly share what I am going through, for better or worse because the mood is often so focused around what he is going through, or what's happening in his life. When I am elated and happy, it might not seem like the right time to share because he's obviously in a down mood - or if I am also feeling down, I find myself even more frustrated because I am afraid to share and bring him down even more -especially when I feel down about our situation and how difficult our relationship can feel. It's been hard to realize, and still hard for me to fully accept, that he just doesn't have it in him to truly be there for me right now, because he is always so focused on his own anxious and depressive thoughts.

And I feel exactly the same way you do about venting to my friends. I feel I have so little support - and often don't know where to turn; I feel like my closest friends are sick of hearing about it, and my mom and god-mom feel the same way - and will just insist that I move on from him, because I am not getting what I need and am being exhausted by being his support. What friends and family don't understand is that he and I have worked so hard already to keep our relationship afloat despite his and our struggles, and I don't feel like I can just walk away and give up now. I do want to continue to be able to be there for him, but it does have a huge impact on my daily life and the things I am trying to better and work on for myself.

A few weeks ago he was at the lowest point he's ever been. He's had a history of using marijuana to try and deal with his anxious feelings, to relax, but on this particular week he was smoking multiple times a day, for about a week straight or more - and he ended up in a super depressed state where the pot severely exacerbated his anxious feelings (which seems like a given), but at that point he started to convey what were verging on suicidal thoughts to me and I was terrified. I wanted to reach out to his sister at the least - if not his parents- but he doesn't want any of his family to know how bad things are. I feel like I am the only one who truly is aware of the situation and who has to deal with it day in and day out. I have often thought about how his family might judge me if we ever broke up - but they have no idea how difficult it can be on a day to day- and I am the one and only person he really relies on. He has even alienated a lot of his friends. I've started to even feel bad when I know I have plans after work a few days in a row - either to go to the gym, which I often do in the evenings, or to see friends- and I don't know how to balance that out.

We just came back from a nice long weekend vacation, and he also just received an incredible job offer, and he seemed like he had taken a huge upturn from that low point- but as soon as we came back from vacation (which was this week) - his depressive tendencies came back immediately. I couldn't help but get upset and frustrated- which of course upset him too and turned into an argument - it just feels like when I think things are moving forward, or getting better, they don't.

That said - reading all of these posts has made me feel better at the least in knowing there are others going through exactly what I am going through. He is meant to be starting up therapy in the next week or so and I am hoping that once he gets into therapy we can work out some better methods of communication - especially for me, because I sometimes feel like I don't know how to communicate what I am feeling to him without coming off as uncaring or unsupportive. I find it hard sometimes to not let my innate feelings of wanting some support in return - EVEN JUST A LITTLE - take over....

This is really what I've been looking for, It feels really nice to know i'm not alone.
"The most important thing I have decided is that I am not willing to give up, and I remind him of that often. I believe it comforts him to know that I am there for him and will always be there for him. Love is a crazy thing." - ss8889. this is exactly how I feel. word for word.

nymr13 I know what you mean, it's hard to accept that you partner both can't truly be there for you but that they need you. I came here because I don't want to "bother" my closest friends anymore, I also feel like they're tired of hearing about it. I know it's often the same thing over and over again (or close to it) but the thing is I need to say things over and over so that things sink in or so that I can cope with it or just let it out because I can't keep it all in.

If I could address all you comments individually I would... I'm so happy I found this. You guys are amazing.

Me too -- to almost everything in your post! My partner will spend days on end videogaming to cope with his depression and it drives me up the wall. I have tried talking to him, but am learning that talking to him when "the monster" takes over is useless. His eyes turn almost black and I can tell that the Drew I love is gone. I can't talk to him at all when he's in the space, because his sympathy and listening disappear.

I too came here for an outlet for me. PyynkBOB - I love the idea of doing individual therapy and then couple's therapy. I think that's my next step, because if we can't get things moving towards change, I'll be forced to walk away to preserve my heart.

Sorry if you don't have kids and not married you should not endure that for a single second. Most of us have kids, careers, court, alimony ect to consider before leaving. You don't and you will be on this site after your married. I am sorry for being so blunt but I wish I was warned before I gave my youth to depression.