Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
Hello,
I am new here. I am hurting pretty badly (emotionally) this evening. It was another down day for my husband and in turn it reflects itself onto me in the form of anger, resentment, dislike, and overarching negative thoughts from him onto me.
Some backstory:
My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years, and he has suffered from diagnosed major depressive disorder for nearly 6 years of our marriage. He had physical issues which contributed to his depression, career changes, family changes (our first child was born 4 years ago), and a near suicide attempt that I stopped and was triggered by a pain medication. I was 6 months pregnant at that time, but it also triggered him to seek additional medical help. Well fast-forward to now and I am nearly 6 months pregnant again and he is still battling both these physical and emotional pains.
Today:
I rarely go places with him left at home by himself, simply because I fear for his safety if I am not here, although some days are better then other days. Most days I can push the negative thoughts of "What will I come home to if I am gone? Will he harm himself? Is he in a good enough mood for me to leave him by himself?...and so forth" down when he seems to be good and I always ask him "Will you be okay when I am gone?" before leaving. One of the most painful things was that near suicide attempt (thank the Lord that I was home), and it still hurts to this day. Well I came home and he misinterpreted the way I came home as "being a bitch" although he had already informed me that today was a down day. It was a miscommunication on our end. I wanted to go to a workout class and was getting ready to leave when I suggested he try a meditation class that was being offered at the same time, and his response was "or I could just blow my head off". That was a direct stab that hurt immensely and he has no remorse in saying it, both in regards to himself and towards me. That led down to a path of me crying out of being upset and him sitting in the chair ignoring anything I had to say. Normally when I am in that type of mental state and know that I can't pull myself out quickly, I will lay down and try and "sleep" it off. 2 Hours later I wake up and have nothing to say to him as I am still hurt. He seems unaware and uncaring of the hours that I have spent throughout our marriage hurt and shedding tears about this topic. He then goes upstairs to go to bed for the night but messages me "fuck you" through Facebook. I am upset that he thinks this is appropriate, called for, and necessary at this point in time. So I go upstairs to talk to him and just tell him how much pain I am in about this and just how much depression is affecting more than him alone (like he thinks it is, and I am "selfish" for considering myself in his depression and for being affected by it. I leave with a "I don't think you know just how deeply I love you" and his response is "you have a funny way of showing it". Of course in my head I am thinking the same way, but keep quiet and walk away as it would only escalate things further.
I am just at a loss right now, have a pressure headache from crying, and in need of support in some manner from others who may understand (friends and family don't understand entirely).
Thanks for reading my selfish sob story.
My first response is to affirm that you are in a very rough situation. Your spouse has depression and that depression means a selfishness that is hard to deal with. His responses about "blowing his head off" and typing "fuck you" in Facebook are not appropriate.
Second, I recommend seeking therapy for yourself and for your husband. If he is not willing, then you should seek professional help. It is a weighty responsibility to care for someone with depression and you deserve professional assistance in that endeavor.
Third, try to resist making positive statements if that is not how you feel. Speaking from personal experience, I sometimes force myself to say "I love you" or "you are so important to me" when I feel the exact opposite. It sounds like when you say what you don't feel it only makes things worse. Regardless of the outcome, you have to be true to where you are at, otherwise you cannot find a way forward.
Last, fight for your value to love yourself. You are a person on this earth and that means you have intrinsic value and a valid desire for love and affection. Until you fight for that, he may not understand he is trampling all over it.
I'm sorry he was inappropriate, and I hope that is never the case again.
I know our people circles are likely different--but I've learned to just not hide it. I tell my close friends and family if we can't attend something because he's is so down, or is having a panic attack. Thankfully, and to my surprise, friends have now started opening up about similar struggles, and it's been helping. I hope you find someone personally who can do something similar. But you do have us. Best of luck.