Depression Supporters Support Group

This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.

2,934 Members

2,068 Posts

0 Online

virtuallyme24 12/17/2016

I hope you don't mind, but I am going to use this post to figuratively scream at the top of my lungs. I am so sick and tired of having to be understanding, compassionate, empathetic when I feel like the ground is crumbling beneath me. My fiancé has severe depression - which was in control when I met him. Suddenly about 2 1/2 years ago he stops caring about anything, which of course includes our relationship. So long story short- wedding was off, future kids are off (I'm 39 now so this is a big deal because of timing), he hasn't worked for 2 years (fun fact: I left my job at the company so he could work there- which of course he hasn't for 2 yrs), our house is a fixer upper that has yet to be fixed (we don't even have a door to our bathroom), and the list goes on.

So here is the screaming part: he does literally nothing but sleep and facebook all day and I go to work, after leaving a job I loved for him, come home to nothing accomplished and I am supposed to be understanding about that? I call BS on that. I get that depression is a disease and all that but you still have a choice. I'm not asking to clean the whole house or anything. Maybe make one phone call or pay one bill. There are little things you can do to help yourself. I get so angry at always having to be the one to sacrifice and understand and make excuses for him. I'm in this relationship by myself and am the only one fighting for it- and I'm just supposed to deal somehow? And if one more person says if he had cancer you wouldn't feel this way: no I wouldn't. You know why? Because people with cancer fight like hell to beat it and to live. They don't make their partner fight for them. That may be a bit of generalization but that's how I feel.

You know the worst part? I stay and do it all because I love the man he used to be. Not the man he is now. And I hope by some miracle, that man will come back again. If he doesn't, have I wasted these last years, sacrificing myself for what could be? Can't they see that though they are sick, we suffer just as much, if not more. Because they've lost their ability to care, but we still have ours and it just makes the pain that much worse.

Any way that's my venting for today. I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish from it- maybe just to keep myself from coming unglued just a little bit longer. Btw, my fiancé is on meds and does see a therapist if you are wondering. They just don't seem to help.

Btw I think you need an angry icon for mood too.

Zoe 12/17/2016

Meds and therapy can only do so much. He has to put forth effort. Also, maybe he's on the wrong med. It's difficult but if you feel like you're wasting precious time of your own that you sit down and have a serious discussion with him and let him know how you feel. Get a calendar and list one thing he has to do each day. Let him know you loved the man he used to be but not so much the new one he's become and that you want a family and may have to move on. It may be best to do this by going to a therapy session with him. Lots of support.

friendship_and_love 12/18/2016

Getting angry is okay, and venting is healthy. I hope it helped and please feel free to rant and vent more if it does.

I'm not in your position so I can offer no solace towards your fiancés situation. I agree with Zoe's post, maybe the calendar might help, small lists or have alarms set on his phone for when he has to do things.

One of the only things I can truly say is that love, tolerance and acceptance do not mean there can't be limits and boundaries. Try and talk with him and be open, like Zoe said Therapy tends to be a good space to do that. Also it sounds like you really need to take some "me time", always try and take time for yourself, now seems to be like a really good time to treat yourself to someting that helps you.

oatmeal11 12/18/2016

I hear you. I feel that way sometimes too. And it sucks when it seems like your partner isn't doing anything and somehow you're just supposed to go with it. If you get upset in any way, it's unfair somehow. Which sucks pretty badly because you feel like you can't get mad even and there feels like nothing you can do about it. Yep, that sucks.

I guess all I can say is that in those moments (when I'm done venting of course), I try to find something that I can do for myself, since I know that is the only person I can really change. Doing something, evening a small thing, makes me feel like I have some control over the situation, at least my part.

But yeah, sometimes it just sucks and feels like you're alone, carrying it all. There are people here that understand at least.

Thumpa 12/19/2016

Never feel guilty for having to "fall apart"... u are already doing more then most by feeling like u should feel guilty! Many people are falling apart and don't care about the people they damage and hurt along the way... and even tho a lot may be depressed and can't cope with feeling or even caring to feel about others, doesn't make the frustration less, the hurt less painful or the anger not validated....

I know I use to hold it all in, especially the anger... for some reason I always thought it was selfish of me to feel angry about anything when their is a depressed person involved. Now I know better and I truly believe it so it helps...

Depression is a disease, and nobody asks for it... but as I've said before just because it is a disease doesn't make it any easier for others to be numb to everything as well. It affects a lot more then just the person suffering depression and it affects everyone so differently....

I like to vent and il be honest- thanks to this page I get to hear other people, like urself vent too so now I don't feel so alone....

virtuallyme24 12/20/2016

Thanks everyone for replying! It feels good knowing I'm not alone. (Though I don't wish this on my worst enemy). My fiance suffers mostly from tiredness and lethargy as it relates to depression. (Among indifference and such). Any ideas to help him get up and get moving? Or any books I could read with little tips I could actually use. I don't need that be patient stuff, I need actionable items. Like for instance: he struggles with remembering to take his meds. Instead of me nagging him, is there an app or post-it note solution? That he could use so he's helping himself? Thanks!

friendship_and_love 12/22/2016

For his meds try putting an alarm on his phone, and getting him to keep his meds and water/food close by (so he doesn't need to use added energy to go and get the water and such to take the medication). You can also try pairing his medication times with an activity - ex: brush teeth + take meds.... the key is making the action as simple as possible and for it to require the least amount of energy possible.

Small lists can sometime help to get things done in the day and getting the person to think of goals for themselves for their day can help too.

#1 thing to remember is to Prioritize actions - "What's most important for today". Grouping important activities and giving lots of rest periods is a great way to plan a day.

Losthurtingspouse 12/26/2016

I can relate on so many levels it isn't funny. Though, he is my husband and this has only been extremely severe the last 2 1/2 months, I totally get it. that being said, yes they do have to put forth the effort and a difference will ONLY be made if they want to fix what is wrong within them. last week my husband went in for a hospital stay for 5 days because he had gotten to a point that he needed help ASAP and wasn't going to go get it, so I forced his hand. It wasn't a mistake but I am dealing with the huge backlash from it now. the horrible things he has said and still says. and the horrible things he has done...there is no word for the pain he has inflicted in this short amount of time.

All I can tell you is to follow your heart and your head. If your heart says to stick it out and your head tells you to run, do both. I am. I am sticking it out while I prepare for the future. and what ever you do take care of you. if you need to leave for a while to not deal then leave. Sleep in a different bed or make him go to the bedroom if you have to. I have done the same. I left the bedroom entirely to give him space but to also give me my space, now when he is being a dick I can just tell him to go to the room and relax...but he tends to do that on his own. Lastly, when and if he runs his mouth with stupid, mean or hurtful things just don't say anything. It honestly feels like they are in kid mode....they are looking for you to get upset or to have something to say about what they are and aren't doing...and to be honest for us to keep our own sanity...just don't say anything.

HOPEFULLY you find your peace while he finds the light-so to speak. in the meantime we supporters are always here to listen...and help if we can! we do know how difficult it really is.

virtuallyme24 12/27/2016

Thank you for your advice. I am actually doing both, just like you. I am sticking it out for at least a little while longer so I know I did my absolute best if the time comes that I do leave. But in the meantime, I've been looking at apartments online, looking at all options for me to still have a kid.... that kind of thing. I guess I'm lucky though as he is not mean and does not lash out in anger. If anyone does, it' s me because I get so frustrated. His is more of an indifference. Which hurts a lot, as well.

Along with his depression, he has ADHD. So basically, he's addicted to his phone, twitter, facebook, messenger that kind of thing. He has all these conversations with other people about so many things, but doesn't really talk to me any more.

And I absolutely agree with him acting like a kid. I do feel like his mother. I have to get him out of bed. I have to nag him to get ready so we won't be late (which we ALWAYS are - and it drives me crazy!), I have to remind him to take his meds, I have to remind him to eat properly and the list goes on. Of course he resents me for "always telling him what to do" or "nagging".

Anyway, enough about me. I feel for your situation. But glad you took the steps to have him hospitalized. When he gets better, he will realize you did the right thing. It takes a long time for them to find the right balance of meds to take - but hopefully he'll get there. And if not, at least you are preparing to choose you. I think that's one of the hardest decisions to make. I wish you all the best.

Join the Conversation