Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a decade. He's amazing and I love him to no end. The person he becomes when depression comes over him is, to no surprise to any of you here, just someone I don't love. I can be very patient, loving and supportive. I do find myself in the caregiver role more than I'd like and to be honest, sometimes I don't even realize that I slipped into that mindset. But I just feel like I'm cracking. We had moved in together a little while ago and everything's been going pretty well! Usual growing pains and all, but no regrets what so ever. The weight of living with his depression is just really getting to me. I've been less patient. It's more tough love now. I'm getting angry. Sometimes, I really can't help but take it personally. I'm seeing red flags with the way things are headed. We've tried to brainstorm how to cope with this, so I've been trying to take space when I feel that I'm reaching a certain point. But... I don't know. I just feel like I'm cracking. Like I'm out in the ocean and the storms are coming more frequently and I'm just getting weaker and weaker. I don't want to get to the point of no return. I don't want to resent him
I'm hoping that someone here might be able to offer me some advice on how to cope
Thank you in advance
I understand how you feel, I too am living with a boyfriend who has depression. It seems like things are going well for a while, like perhaps we’ve turned a corner and then BOOM, he has a bad day and I feel like we’re back at square one again.
I wish I had some advice to give you, but hopefully knowing you’re not alone in feeling like this will be of some comfort?
It does sound like a cliche, but I do think that making sure to look after yourself as best you can is very important - it makes it easier to deal with whatever life throws at you next, if nothing else!
I appreciate your post and have been feeling the same feelings, in fact I am feeling it this morning! Your analogy of the tide is very apt. The words used by others on this site has been feeling "unseen"; I am not sure if that fits where you are at, but the balance between caregiver and lover seems to hinge on how much we feel seen by our partners. Not for the care we give, but for who we are to them outside of our kindness to them.
Not sure if I would call this a lack of romance, because it is more encompassing than that, but it includes a lack of romance too. And, to be honest, I don't have an answer. I came on this site this morning looking for one.
But, here is my thought: our partners need to know where we are at and how to help. Sadly, I do not think my spouse knows how to love me intuitively. It must be spelled out in detail, which makes me feel like it isn't love anymore. However, when I have said what I need, she has done her best to provide that to me.
I wrote a post about having the right expectations in a relationship and though it may sound harsh, I think that lovers of those with depression have to voice their needs louder than in other relationships. There is something about depression that narrows the view. When made aware, they do their best to address it; but they have to be made painfully aware of other's needs. This is doubly hard because it is so hard for me to advocate for myself in the first place!
I guess my advice is for you to write down what you need and to communicate that to your partner. I also echo what "Give Me Strength" said: take care of yourself first and foremost. You have to fill your cup before you can pour some of it out. And sometimes you need someone to pour into your cup!
When my wife is feeling good, she's the most perfect person in the world to me, but the bad days seem to come more often, and I find myself constantly having to either cheer her up or just ignore her because she's trying to pick a fight.
Today I got a recommendation for a therapist. I feel like after all this time, I need to find my voice again and really figure out if she'll make an effort to fight this with me instead of against me.
My husband recently came out of a serious depressive episode lasting about two years. During that time, I forgot that I like him. (Still not too sure about “love” him.) When he was depressed, it was literally impossible to get him to see my perspective about anything. He could not hear my pain, he could not see the amount of work I was doing to maintain the status quo. As soon as the clouds parted (it was literally like a lightbulb came on) he became more empathetic, more open, more responsive. I don’t think that it’s a good idea to drop all expectations of reciprocity or even basic communication, because then what’s the point of staying, but probably he is not going to be able to see you, not going to be responsive, not going to have enough control of his behavior to make lasting change, and likely see your vulnerability as an attack/criticism of him. Sorry to be dark, but you have to be realistic because you’re the only one who has a good grip on reality right now. It’s really amazing how self centered depression is. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I really empathize with you. Take care of yourself.