Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
So... my guy has been down for awhile now. It really triggered extra last month when my dad showed up and talked to him as I posted last month. Since then he's been blah. We went on vacation and he perked up only to have a fall back into every day life when we returned.
So his mood has been very low and very bad. I've been working so hard to get him up and happy.
My dad essentially said he wants nothing to do with him and he is cut out of the family essentially meaning I am too. I talk to my mom and reply to my dad's emails so nothing dramatic. But definitely to the point where there will be no gatherings of my dad and us.
However, my mom finds this foolish... she thinks he needs to get over it and come together as a family. Yesterday she came over and had lunch and watched a movie with my guy. Wonderful!!! They both had a great time! I talked to my mom last night and she sounded a little upset and said my dad wasn't too happy with her getting together with him. I was surprised and we talked a little but she said it would be fine. Today I get a text message from my dad:
"Please tell him I would appreciate it if he would not contact my wife or hang out with my wife in the future. It makes me very uncomfortable."
So this shocked me that it was that big of a deal! I was nervous but thought I must be thinking of this too much... it will blow over. I thought I should not tell him because of this terrible place he is in and I was nervous my dad might try to contact him so I blocked my dad's number from his cell phone so he can't contact him and upset him further.
I called my mom- she was crying. My dad told her she disgusted him and upset him and he couldn't look at her anymore. If she were to hang out with my guy again she could find herself a new husband on that day! They celebrate 33 years next month!
SO... my mom slept on the couch last night and today he told her to get out so she left. My parents have NEVER had this type of angry relationship or fury between them! This is just how upset my dad is about my guy! So my poor mom is texting me nonstop because I don't want to lose touch with her right now and she is driving and hiking and planning on sleeping in the car with the dogs tonight somewhere far away. My sister is no help right now. And my dad will not answer my phone calls.
All the meanwhile my guy is sitting her watching baseball eating a sandwich and getting better out of his mood. Really?! I can't tell him! I don't know how to handle this! I am SO lost!!!
So his mood has been very low and very bad. I've been working so hard to get him up and happy.
My dad essentially said he wants nothing to do with him and he is cut out of the family essentially meaning I am too. I talk to my mom and reply to my dad's emails so nothing dramatic. But definitely to the point where there will be no gatherings of my dad and us.
However, my mom finds this foolish... she thinks he needs to get over it and come together as a family. Yesterday she came over and had lunch and watched a movie with my guy. Wonderful!!! They both had a great time! I talked to my mom last night and she sounded a little upset and said my dad wasn't too happy with her getting together with him. I was surprised and we talked a little but she said it would be fine. Today I get a text message from my dad:
"Please tell him I would appreciate it if he would not contact my wife or hang out with my wife in the future. It makes me very uncomfortable."
So this shocked me that it was that big of a deal! I was nervous but thought I must be thinking of this too much... it will blow over. I thought I should not tell him because of this terrible place he is in and I was nervous my dad might try to contact him so I blocked my dad's number from his cell phone so he can't contact him and upset him further.
I called my mom- she was crying. My dad told her she disgusted him and upset him and he couldn't look at her anymore. If she were to hang out with my guy again she could find herself a new husband on that day! They celebrate 33 years next month!
SO... my mom slept on the couch last night and today he told her to get out so she left. My parents have NEVER had this type of angry relationship or fury between them! This is just how upset my dad is about my guy! So my poor mom is texting me nonstop because I don't want to lose touch with her right now and she is driving and hiking and planning on sleeping in the car with the dogs tonight somewhere far away. My sister is no help right now. And my dad will not answer my phone calls.
All the meanwhile my guy is sitting her watching baseball eating a sandwich and getting better out of his mood. Really?! I can't tell him! I don't know how to handle this! I am SO lost!!!
I am so sorry you are in this situation. Tears of empathy here.
This all seems really "out of place" to me (sorry, can't think of another expression for it). Do you know exactly why your dad feels this way? Did your guy say or do something to trigger your dad's behavior? I am not blaming your guy, but, in reading your post, you are vague on that detail. You do not have to answer here, just something to consider. If you do not know why your dad is reacting this way, maybe asking him when things calm down some?
That said, your Mom has been married for 33 years. She should have some idea what is happening and why. Maybe ask her?
Has this kind of "drama" happened ever before in either of them. Maybe not in their relationship but in life?
My best advice is to make sure you take care of yourself. The best you can probably do for your mom now is let her you know you love her and are there if she needs to talk.
I would leave your dad's drama out of your guy's life for now. Or, if your guy has a counselor, maybe call and let them know what is happening and ask for advice?
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Always here if you need to vent.
I am so sorry for your mom, I know she was trying to help, trying to let you guy know she didn't have the same feeling toward him as your dad. She wants you to be a family, it is what you are. I know your dad probably just wants the best for you, but he is going about it the wrong way. It is too bad he cannot talk with you, without anger, and you guys couldn't come to an agreement.
I know how upset you are, how hard it is to try to help your mom and protect your guy. Hopefully it will all calm down with a little time. Your parents have been together for a long time, your mom will know what to do to mend things between her and your dad, hopefully. I'm sorry I am not much help, but I am here to listen.
((HUGS))
So... I said fine and we've really had no contact all this time except for him to tell me he wants nothing to do with my guy. Fine- you have nothing to do with him.
That takes us to Monday and my mom coming over.
I truly believe my dad believed I would choose him over my guy and is mad I kept my guy?
This drama has never happened before. My dad just doesn't like the depression or unemployment.
It's just a continuation of something from last month that I truly thought was over! We've been together nearly 5 years and there used to never be family problems. I think maybe my dad just feels like problems with depression should be done now and is now upset about it? It's extra frustrating because like I say he has nothing to do with my life! If he wanted to know about anything he should have asked me- not assumed
I could send him early and truly if that happened I woul essentially be cutting dad out. But he is bringing drama and problems into my life! My guy had really started progressing and having new positive discussions moving past the older frequent conversations. There was definitely growth there! And this sent him for a whirlwind and now I don't know why to think with recent events. I just don't want to tell him and have it go badly.
Should I just mention my dad's nervous breakdown? At least then he wouldn't be caught off guard if anything further happened? I am really hoping it doesn't!!! I don't think he would come over or anything
Do you think your dad may have some type of depression too perhaps? His behavior just sounds very erratic and unrational to me. Very similar to what we often see in our depressed s/o's. I really hope he and your mom will make amends.
I agree that I wouldn't tell your guy why they faught but it would probably be ok if you tell him they had a fight and you're concerned about your mom, so that you don't have to feel like you're hiding such a huge secret from him. I know that has to be a huge burden for you.
I really hope things get better for you guys. Just make sure you get your ducks in a row if you do decide to leave because of your dad. Something I've learned (I live 12 hours from my family) is that distance doesnt always necessarily prevent family drama, It may have to do more with how you decide to handle and respond to it then how far away you live.
I hope things get better for you and your mom will be ok. Good luck :)
She is right that the family trauma doesnt necessarily go away when they are far away. My dad is 1600 miles away from me and I still have trauma with him, but I do have to say it is easier to shut him down when he is awful to me, but it also makes it tougher to mend the fences if you want to.
Also a great suggestion to tell him they fought, but not exactly why. Then you have less pressure.
Hang in there...
I do think you are right about my dad's depression. He would never admit to such a thing but I definitely think that you are right! It makes sense. He is very angry and you are right it is such irrational behavior. I was telling a lady at my work about it just alittle bit ago and she said her and her husband disagree about their daughter's choices. She is a meth addict who refuses rehad. Her husband thinks it is important to stay available to her while she (mom) says they need to give her tough love.
I understand this- but my dad is all doing this simply because of my partner!?!?
He is depressed and unemployed, I get that. But I'm not a meth addict! I just feel this is such extreme irrational behavior to go through and you're right... it seems like a huge swing we see in our own s/o in dealing with thier depression. So yes... maybe he is dealing with that?
I don't even know how to begin to help him. Or even as callous as this may sound- I don't know if I want to go there.
Good point about the moving to not get away from it though. I do wonder how that would play out. But at least it would be something I suppose? But, definitely getting my ducks in a row is a must. Thank you guys for being so supportive. My instinct does say- just run away with him! But, of course you are right and making sure that I have everything figured out and planned for is a MUST! :)
Thank you everyone for being here :)
I told my guy that my parents were having issues and my dads having a tough time right now. It freaked him out. He's scared my dad will show up here again.
He said that day was not a good day for our relationship :(
I understand what he means but dang- it hurt to hear. It just means my dad is baggage. But honestly baggage I'm willing to drop off at this point. But I know it's not an attack and he said he's not leaving me or anything but that the day my dad showed up shed light on the situation of the baggage I have.
Ugh- I'm honestly dealing amazingly well. Probably the large amount of chocolate in my system. :). Hence the name :)
But it was sad to hear. I do love him so.
Thank you all so much for your encouragement and help.
Hugs to all!
More chocolate today?
I would also let Him know when he says things like "that was a bad day for our relationship", that your dads opinions arent your own and therefore, shouldn't influence your relationship. You have no control over your dads actions.
I think a lot of people have difficult in laws but it all comes down to the boundaries you set for them and how you choose to react to them. We ALL have baggage in some way or another. It's part of being in a relationship.
Hope today is going better for you :)
You are right! I honestly felt so bad about the baggage comment- but you're right... We all have baggage!!! And not until Newlywed reminded me of the constant daily baggage we go through and deal with in our depressed s/o. It is true- baggage is there. But I think I have kept mine pretty well under wraps and dealt with his alarmingly well so I will not let myself feel guilty. :)
And Ski... What a wonderful idea!! Making sure we have the conversation of what he can say and be prepared for if he were to be attacked again (knocking on wood because I DO NOT want that to happen haha) but being proactive about that is a good idea!
Tonight we actually discussed my father a little bit more with no tension. Phew! I can let him know more in these calm settings. Thank goodness! :)
Thank you to all of you :)
I wish you continued good luck with this!
And, in terms of others, you can not control how your father behaves. His behavior shouldn't reflect on you.
Best wishes!