I do pull away quite often. When he is down I go through a cycle of supportive and distant. I think the more distant I become the more supportive I become and it goes on and on as he stays depressed in his state.
Then... That magical day that he comes back to me and is there again. That beautiful happy day I get him back... That's usually the day I break down. I don't let him hold me. I don't cry to him, I am distant. This is always hard for both of us. He doesn't understand my distance from him and my overall fear of us. And I don't understand how he doesn't understand.
It's something I've come here for help for before, it's always suggested of course to do my breakdown alone without him around. But I feel I deserve to be heard sometimes too. I hear him 95% of the time and he hears me maybe that 5%?
It's hard... I always pull away. I always plan my life for the day he up and leaves me. I try to prepare... I protect my heart as best as I can.

You definitely aren't alone.

Thank you so much for that, it does seem to be that when she comes back, that I am so happy that she isnt so angry and depressed that I just want to celebrate and hold her and love her, but I dont talk to her about what her episode did to me and how hurt i get. I dont know if that is healthy or not. Thank you so much for the input and be blessed. Its so good to know that I am not alone.

no, you definately aren't alone on this one..

I feel like at times I'm getting depressed too. I just don't know how to make sense of it all. I try so hard with my daughter, and feel like I hit a wall each time. Today is not a good day for me. It's a day filled with tears and worries about her future. She has so much to offer the world, but she hides from the world. *sigh*

I was told in therapy that I need to numb myself during these times, just emotionally turn it down some so that she doesnt affect me as much. Thats hard to do and I havent really been able to do it well. It doesnt help that I am empathic and start to feel what she feels. I have to dial that back. I feel so bad for her, I know she doesnt want to be depressed, but sometimes, I and I know that this will sound terrible, think she is using it as an excuse to mean. She has an out that, you knew that I had this mental illness from the beggining. She is in a good place this week so far, but last week was hell. Its the roller coster that is so hard to deal with. But i know that I can NOT let my emotions go on the same ups and downs as hers because that does me a disservice. Guess I am just venting. I wish there was a hand book for this kind of thing. thanks all who have commented.

As Always Be Blessed - GaC

Green...I hear you loud and clear! I sometimes think my daughter is manipulating and being mean. Then, yesterday I was trying to get her out of bed and said "why do you want to lay in that bed all day instead of getting up and getting going?" She said, "I don't want to lay her all day; I can't get going."

I'd love to know how you numb yourself. I did yesterday with a glass of wine (not very constructive).

So I think I am opposite...and it has taken me years to get steeled against the raging and the outbursts and I do feed into it sometimes, I just cant help it, I am a caregiver and a fixer and while I know I can;t fix it or make it better, I sometimes can;t stop myself from trying.

Yes, they suck you in. The whole "misery loves company" thing is so true. What makes me able to handle those times when they are pushing and pushing and so down or acting so needy or requiring so much attention, I have to remind myself that its largely a manipulation. He wants me to agree with him that its hopeless, he feeds on sympathy and he wants me to hurt like he does becuase then it validates how he is thinking or feeling.

I clam up when he is sad and angry and I listen with half an ear. he gets upset and pushes harder but when I give casual attention and don't get sucked in to providing support and sympathy when he's "in a mood" the mood does not last as long and he starts acting better sooner.

When he is good, of course I spend more time and we are more engaged and its great but that turns on a dime. The kew is to take what you can when they are good and when they do a 180 and become attention seeking and suck the life from you to feed thier aching soul, you have to remember that the more you give them, the less they learn how to rely on themselves and you can;t be there all the time. You can be kind and give some but save some of yourself, be a little distant, resist giving 100% to them - you will need it more than they wil becuase you have to be the one making sure daily life and all the things that go with it are happening not just for you but for them too (like paying bills, making food, keeping up relationships with friends and family) and you need some energy for yourself in those times.

Its not mean to distance yourself, its acyually helping them to some extent and it helps you keep your sanity. How do you do it? its a mindset and its hard to do all the time. You just have to make yourself do it...just like they have to commit change thori mindset thru therapy and behavior modification to get better we need to commit to changing our reations to the behiaviors that work best to help us stay with them and be able to not get sucked into the same misery. Otherwise, who are we really helping?