Well for starters, depression isn't cureable, it's treatable, so he'll always have flares of bad days. A depressed mind does not think the same way a regular persons mind does. The can't process rational thought like you do, so when your trying to help him see all the positive or that things aren't all that bad, it doesn't come through to him like that. All he hears is you picking on him and it being so easy for you and you could never understand how hard it is for him so why do you keep picking on him. When he's in a flare, don't try to rationalize to him that "it's not that bad" because in his mind it is that bad and much worse than you could ever imagine. A Depressed mind can go from 'not so bad' to suicidal in a matter of hours...

Next, your not his Therapist, your not the person that it there to listen to him vent. He should have a Psychiatrist or Therapist for that. When he starts with the complaining find something else to do, you don't have to listen to it. Put your earbuds in and listen to music, go read a book, watch a movie, whatever. You can't bring yourself down to his depression, it's not your job.

Supporting is making sure your spouse knows that you'll be there for him while he's going through hard times, while he's dealing with medications and side effects, which he's going through Therapy. It's listening to him talk about his pain and sadness. You don't have to listen to all the complaining about every lil thing and the whining. There is a limit to what you can deal with and still be able to stay in the relationship. Most spouses of Depressed folks end up seeing a Therapist of their own because it's a very hard thing to do longterm. So you might consider getting your own Counselor or Therapist to see once a month or so, so you have someone to vent to.

Take care,
Kat

Wow, that was some great advice and healthy serving of truth, Kat. I needed to hear this.

I have a hard time not getting pulled into my partner's depression, too. To me it just seems like he's so quick to become negative about a situation. Reading Kat's post made me realize that's just another symptom of depression.

I'm wondering if you're feeling something like this, too, though Moxie... I feel like my partner's isolation and general "being down" has somewhat made it's way into my life, too. Not everyday but some days I feel like it's harder to get up and leave the house or I am less motivated to more forward in my life. I know that people feel things like that everyday and it's just the normal ebb and flow of life but... I don't know sometimes it feels like the lack of intimacy and support from my partner during this time coupled with his lack of motivation to do anything takes a toll on me and culminates in my having less energy to do things like apply to graduate school, look for a different job, sign up for a new gym, or go out with friends. It's not like I'm "catching depression" because obviously it's not contagious and my feeling intermittently down or sleepy or lacking motivation is not equivalent to the depression my partner feels daily. That I know! But I guess to use your phrase, I do feel like sometimes I just get sucked in.

Actually, it does seem to be contagious, kind of. Partners of depressed people are more likely to become depressed themselves. I would suggest that you consider seeing a therapist and also really focus on yourself, building a group of friends, finding a hobby, etc. Self-care is super important and you must maintain your own individuality and nurture your optimism.

It's a really fine line between finding intimacy in friend relationship and distancing yourself from your romantic relationship. I'm struggling with that myself. But if I deny myself of the support and love of my friends and family, there will be nothing left to give my children or my husband. So you have to feed yourself first.