Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
Depression has sucked the life out of me. My husband was diagnosed with major depression disorder about 16 year ago. He has been on and off of medication for that long as well. We've been married almost 10 years and, in that time, he's had 3 major breakdowns, this last one lasting nearly 2 years.
Back story is that we dated long distance for almost a year and after we got married, he made the decision to leave the US and move to Canada. We had no particular plan, just that we would probably move back to the US after 2 years. Fast forward 9.5 years, a major career change, life changes, a child, a business loss and now trying to get back in to his career field - things aren't going the way he wants and he's not happy.
I am a patient person - but after 9.5 years of depression and it completely overtaking my life, I've had enough. I used to get so upset when he would tell me that he wasn't well, had suicidal thoughts or that he wanted to leave...Now, part of me gets sad, but then the other part of me thinks "maybe I could finally get a break." I feel terrible that I think that way - I love him and would be devasted if anything ever happened, but enough is enough.
What gets me even more angry are those around us who just. don't. get. it. You have any of those people in your life? I have no one to turn to for support because they don't even try to understand what we're going through. I don't want to hear "everything will be ok" or "it's going to get better" or "you need to take care of yourself too". NO! I want someone to say "that's really shitty" or just say nothing at all.
None of this is making sense - I'm glad I was able to find this community. I've started reading through some of the posts and I actually feel a little more sane.
Depression is awful and it takes a toll on everyone around it. Because it is not as visible as something like amputation, it is often ignored and discounted as just "sadness" or someone who is cranky all the time.
The truth is that depression feels like Chinese water torture. This is where someone is tied down and then gets little drops of water dropped onto the same spot on their forehead until they lose their minds!
Sound familiar?
And to your thoughts about wanting a break, that is completely understandable. As supporters of people with depression, we too have our limits because we too are human. To be exposed to a continuous stressful experience is hard to manage and sometimes we just crack. We cannot hold ourselves to impossible standards.
Speaking from personal experience, I have learned to acknowledge my own limits in order to live healthily with a spouse with depression. Coming from a family background rooted in guilt, I used to ignore my needs until I lost my mind supporting her needs. I am getting better at knowing when I am "shutting down" and then I reach out to family and friends to step in and give me a break. We have a two year-old, so I can't just go get a beer without some help.
I will not end with any advice, but simply to tell you that it is very difficult to support someone with depression. It can be "the shits" sometimes.
Example: my spouse was sick this week and so I took time off work. The fridge, which is her responsibility, was looking terrible; so when my son was down for a nap I cleaned the whole thing. She came into the kitchen and I showed her what I had done. She just nodded her head, and went back to her bed.
I mean, c'mon! I cleaned the whole goddamn fridge! Just one "thank you" would suffice!
Unfortunately, I just feel like I have no choice but to be the cheerleader or emotional statue that withstands tornado after tornado. The last thing I want is to get divorced, but something has to change or I'll lose my mind.
Have any of you tried therapy?
Therapy is critical and I absolutely recommend it.
To your point about having no choice, that is never the case. Divorce is a choice, pursuing therapy is a choice, taking a weekend off for yourself is a choice. Doing nothing to improve your own situation is a choice too, and it is often the one that supporters of people with depression take.
The last choice is also often the easiest. I challenge you to take serious your statement that if nothing changes you will lose your mind. That is a call to action.
You cannot change your spouse's despression, but that is no reason to lose yourself in the process.
Again, I highly recommend seeking a therapist. They will help you formulate what needs to be done in order for your to maintain your sanity, and support your spouse at the same time.
But yeah, you really should focus on yourself and your own social life. You deserve a fulfilling and fun (!!!!) life, whether you choose to remain with your partner or not. There’s a lot more out there and you can’t give if you are empty. Fill yourself first. xo
My mother-in-law lived 20 years with my father-in-law who is bipolar, yet she has zero sympathy for my husband. She shows no interest in wanting to understand what he's going through. She's extremely old school in thinking that going to the gym and putting a smile on your face makes everything better. I want to scream at her some times. My brother-in-law is the same way and he's much younger! His whole family has turned their backs on him and I want to lash out at all of them but it will get me no where.
My husband of 17 years has been diagnosed with depression since 1997, so I understand being in a long term relationship with a chronically depressed man.
When I think about "what I need" during his depressive episodes (yes, that last for months on end), the thing that comes to my mind is that yes, I need faith. Faith that this too shall pass.
And that doesn't come from anyone else. It comes from me.