I'm sorry you're going through all this. You're not being selfish! I understand about things being "all about them".. sometimes I just want to be done with the struggle and imagine what my life would be like without all these emotional ups and downs.. the conclusion I always come to is that life would still be hard and still have ups and downs, just a different kind of struggle and different ups and downs. It's exhausting... but I also find when I hold my husband to task in a loving way he responds well to it. Every relationship is different, but if I'm feeling really upset or resentful I just lay down with him and look him in the eyes and talk softly about how I'm feeling, always trying to use "I feel" statements instead of blaming. If he gets elevated I just remind him that I'm speaking from my heart and that my feelings are valid just like his, and he can choose how he hears the words. 8 out of 10 times we end up having a good talk and he will be reengaged with the relationship for a while. I just try to approach him when he's not agitated or in a contrary mood. If he says he doesn't want to talk then I try to respect that and approach him at a different time. I'm not always successful in my approach, but when I am it's really worth it! I think the biggest positive that has come out of all this is that I have learned how to communicate and control myself in a way that's beneficial in all aspects of my life! Don't know if this helps, but thought I would share in case it does. :)

I know how you feel..my husband has also been very depressed for 2 years. He about to loose his job and won't engage with us or leave they house. I often cry and don't know what to do. We also have 2 children and it's hard getting them the things they want to do. I don't know if I can depend on him for activities so I plan to be there for all of them and be fair. I feel he is not invested in getting better. I have had all the same feels as you...of guilt. He has had plans of suicide but told someone each time. I'm not sure what will happen when he looses his job. Another set of worries.
Do you have friends you can talk to? I should see a therapist but who has the time for that when I am managing everything else in the house and the kids. Talking to my friends helps, they often say things that I am thinking and want the best for me.
But I fully agree with you this is soooo hard!

It is hard. I joined this group back in 2012, and I find myself revisiting when times are extemely hard.

Mine has struggled with depression all along, his whole life. We celebrate 9 years in November. He is really struggling at this time.
He is honestly so down and everything upsets him, the egg shells are everywhere.

I love LALALady's approach of lying down and speaking from her heart.
We do a lot of lying down and holding each other to bring peace, I feel that may be something that would work for me so I definitely suggest it for you too :)

I am working, I am trying so hard right now but his depression came back with a vengeance. We had found a peace and undid it- I don't know it wouldn't have come back anyway. In fact I'm certain it would- I believe it's always there but coping mechanisms help. We got rid of some of his coping mechanisms by moving and that has made everything more difficult. It's always all about him. I get that too.
I hope that it helps to talk, I hope you've found peace in this group, I know itshelped me more than I could have ever hoped for!

It’s hard not to feel guilty, but your feelings are relevant. My husband has been depressed all his life but this last two years have been bad, the pinnacle is now at the moment. I don’t know what to do to help him, I’m supportive and we talk about it but he can’t seem to make a change and move forwArd. I have managed to get him to agree a hospital referral for a psychologist even though he thinks it won’t help he must try, meds’ only work for a few months then back at square one. I want to run away, my job is stressful and we have a daughter and once I’ve given myself to work, to her and to him I feel like there is nothing left for me.
He will tell me when he is going into a hole and I just think ‘god not again’ because it’s the same cycle and never changes. Ok struggling to be there and to fife him attention because it seems that I have to do all the giving

I know that feeling of crumbling. My husband has had OCD and depression as long as i’ve Known him. He works really hard on himself with therapists and medication, but he still has his ups and down. It has always been hard, but before kids I felt like I could deal with it. We now have a 4 yr old and my job is much more demanding and when my husband gets depressed I feel like everyone is pulling at me and I just might be tworn to pieces. My husband gets upset that i’m Not able to help him like I used to, but we have a small child that needs me too. I don’t have anyone to talk to that understands, i’m Hoping this group helps (just joined). I hope it helps you too. Yes, it is very hard. Don’t beat yourself up about your thoughts. Your feelings, whatever they are, are valid.

Wow, this thread resonated with me. I want to reply soon but all I can do right now is thank everyone for being so open and honest. I've gone back and forth between feeling so selfish and hating myself and feeling nothing but resent and hurt for so long it's so amazing to see that other people think the same thing.

I can relate 100%. I’m the sole bread-winner, the one who cooks, cleans, grocery shops, etc. On her good days she does pitch-in, but many times there are more not-so-good days where she doesn’t leave bed. I know a partnership isn’t always 50/50 but man does it feel one-sided sometimes. I think the walking on eggshells, being the strong one and an emotional support is a full time job on its own.

I feel like you are all telling the story of my life!! This is an amazing conversation that helps me see that others truly can understand what I struggle with every day. I feel like every day is give give give and I am left alone with nothing in the corner. It is hard. Thank you all for being here and sharing. There is definitely comfort in knowing that others share in this struggle. We are not alone.

Oh Forget-Me-Not you are so not alone. This weekend my girlfriend got super mad and wouldn't speak to me for a day because I was opening mail while we were talking - I wasn't giving her enough attention (I did realize that it wasn't sensitive and apologized immediately but she remained angry). Today I told her I wanted to talk about one of my issues at work to get it off my chest (maybe second time in our relationship I've brought-up my stuff) and after a few minutes she told me she was too tired to talk. I know she doesn't do it intentionally, but sometimes it is tough to get past double-standards and not feeling like my needs are as important as hers. Man - I sure complain a lot on this forum. I have to admit it feels good to get some of this out there since it boils inside sometimes, and it is awesome to know others struggle with the same issues.

Thank you for posting. I just joined the group because today I am feeling exactly the way you are. It's so important to know that other people are going through the same thing. So hard to feel like all the attention and consideration is on the partner who is depressed, when the other partner is maxing out their resources, too. A couple weeks ago, I was sick with a flu. My husband really showed up for about two days but then on the third day started holding my illness over my head- as if he's ever operating at 100%.