It is great that you feel like you can be brutally honest here and so u should. Do not feel guilty for anything ur feeling- it may just be that ur thinking of it as an option because , like your husband, u r human and sometimes we do have to put ourselves first.
I know when my husband gets really bad and sometimes very cold and nasty, I do find myself thinking about how I would go by myself with our two girls rather then a few years ago- never even dare thinking of the option.
But it's not wrong nor should you feel guilty.... we are all entitled to feel what we have to to make it the best life we possibly can... it's so good of you to be standing next to him supporting him because as many of us know - it is a really tough job.
I guess the hardest thing for a spouse supporting a partner with depression is not only does she have to be a strength in his life but she also has to readjust herself, without choice, on relying on him being her strength, which in my opinion is the toughest part.
But trust me- with every day you get through, u will find new strength in urself and that will help with not only dealing with the rough days but also helping him and hopefully working thru together... give urself more credit. U are there and it is a lot easier to just throw in the towel. Only u will know and feel if and when the time is right... do ur best, live truthfully and sleep well at night...
Xxx
Well done I say :)

Peace instead of panic.... that's exactly where I am right now. I have to start thinking about me.... I'm so tired of being neglected and every conversation being about his issues. I haven't given up yet, but find myself almost fantasizing about that elusive "peace"

I remember getting so angry once, we were in the car on a long drive and we were running late. He was just upset and moody, we weren't even arguing but there was a tension in the air and he didn't want to talk to anyone - just stayed huddled on his side of the car. It had been an emotional trip and we were going home, his parents were arguing and then all of a sudden he turns around and raises his voice with a certain tone than just made me so much more angry. I had been trying to study for the past hour but all I could focus on was his mood.

When he snapped, I was like "this is it"- and I felt a kind of peace, kind of like time slowing. I asked myself "how can I do this forever?", "How can I put up with the negative tension hanging around?", "If he's going to be pissy or have an outburst everytime we're late or something doesn't go his way - AND he would refuse to talk to me about it.... then i'll leave."

I had started thinking about how much better off I would be. Then suddenly he leaned over and put his head on my shoulder and started crying. My heart SANK. I felt horrible. I had focused so much on his attitudes and forgot the reasons I was with him. I lost my patience. I had forgotten to keep in mind that there were two of us thinking different things at the same time, and that the trip was harder on him than I had realized. I forgot that disease is not always controllable and sometime the way we try to control it can be interpreted differently by people.

... He later told me the reason he was being so sullen was that he was having a panic attack.

YES he was still rude. YES I was still angry. NO, his disease did not excuse his behavior... but it did justify it.

Looking back, I don't feel horrible anymore, I think we all have days where our patience wears thin, where one argument will rub us the wrong way, where the good days seem so far away and where we just need to take a step back from everything and evaluate our situations.

I don't think that moment of peace is wrong, in fact I think it's brilliant. It shows that you feel like you are strong enough to leave but also strong enough to make the decision to stay. When you feel like you can move on and survive without them it shows that if you decide to stay that it is for the right reasons - that it's an actual decision you get to make.

***sorry for the super long reply.