Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
My boyfriend recently told me that he's always had depression and that it's been really bad lately. I myself have anxiety, but not depression, so I find it really hard to know what to do when he's feeling low. I've asked him and he says there isn't really anything and that he gets out of it himself, but I've been really worried about him lately. He doesn't want to leave the house except to work (which is unlike how he is otherwise, he loves the outdoors and being active); he'll just sit on the side of the bed and not want to talk at all for most of the night.
I brought up therapy a couple times and he said he's gone before and it doesn't work. I don't want to push it because I know it isn't my life. He used to exercise a lot and I know that helps with my anxiety, and I've heard it can help with depression, but he says it won't help either. He says there is nothing anyone can do to help it, no matter how much I tell him that isn't true, something must help. But he's struggled with it his entire life so I feel like it's not my place to push that idea?
I'm not looking to fix him or leave him as I know it's going to get better, I just feel like I've done everything I can to support him over the past few months and nothing has helped him/his recovery. I'm just scared. I have a lot of issues with anxiety and abandonment and I've been pushing those down so I can accommodate his needs right now as I think he needs that more than I do (which, to clarify, I really don't mind doing). Sometimes it's just hard to differentiate whether I'm doing something wrong or if it's his depression. I've stopped asking him that because he usually (understandably) gets frustrated when I ask.
i just found this online support group and I just want to know that other people have gone through similar experiences and pulled through? I have been so terrified that one day he'll leave because I'm not handling this well or supporting him enough and I don't know what else to do. Not too sure how this site works but honestly any reply at all would be appreciated.
I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. I know my post is long but I haven't posted in forever so you won't find my old posts easily and I wanted to let you know a bit about myself and where i'm coming from ad I tried to address the stuff from your comment in mine. I apologize for how long my comment is though.
The first year I started dating my boyfriend he became depressed. We started dating in high school, had both just started college and because of his work I saw him twice between graduation and the beginning of the school year. After school started we saw each other for about 10-30 minutes about 4 times per week (because he worked like 50 hrs/week and did night school). It was hard, he didn't want to talk to me, hug or kiss me and I really didn't know what was going on with him. When he finally told me I felt stupid because I felt I should have seen it sooner.
A lot of people (Including him) don't understand why I stayed and I think the simplest answer to those people was that even though I didn't know what his struggle was, I knew there was something wrong and it felt like he needed a friend, just somebody to stay by him and something that was constant other than work and school. He partially pulled himself out of his depression. The reason I say partially is because I feel like it's always there and he always has to fight it but that some days are better than others. He originally did some therapy through his work but he stopped that in the first year, he also did journaling (I feel like he still does but doesn't tell me). He took meds but stopped in the first year, we've talked about him going back on them but he's not ready for it yet.
As far as what I do for him, It feels like I do nothing. I just try to talk with him often, I give him lots of hugs and kisses and tell him I love him several times a day, which I get if that sounds weird, but it gives him validation of my feelings and It's how I feel so I don't mind saying it often. When he has his days where he wants to lay in the dark and do nothing I'll give him space. If i'm at his house when he does it I'll make sure to give him a hug and sometimes lay with him, but I try to respect his desire for silence and space. Lately he's gotten very grumpy and says hurtful things, I try to shrug it off. I call him a grumpy old man and he goes along with the joke.
Stop asking yourself if you're doing something wrong because at the end of the day all you can be is yourself and all you can do its your best, and if you're asking "what if i'm not doing my best?" then stop because you are. You decided (at least for now) to stay in the relationship, to support your loved one. If you honestly wonder if you did something wrong then play the situation back in your head and in your senario replace him with another friend, if you would still react the same way then it's not you. If he used to exercise and you like exercising then join a gym class together, not because it might help with depression but because it's healthy, you both like it and it's a good way to spend time together. A class is something fixed in your schedules so he might be more willing to go.
My boyfriend and I are working through it, we've been together for 3 years since May. There's no easy way around it and as much as it is a constant struggle for our partners I thinks it's also a fight for us as well. Not only to support them but to support ourselves - our self esteem, our spirits and our identities because it's hard. It's the reason I came back to the site, I've been away for almost a year thinking I could support myself without help from others but recently it's gotten harder so today I decided to log back in and i'm debating on making a post but I think I might wait.
I don't know if anything I said helps, I just want you to know you aren't alone, we all have stories and this is our place to share and be heard.
I'm in a similar boat.
My partner and I have been together for 5 years. The past 3 have been almost entirely about depression.
I want to reiterate what was already said in that previous comment: you are not doing anything wrong. His depression is not about you and you cannot "fix" his depression, you cannot make it better. And I think the reason for this is because it's not about you. You don't make it worse, you don't make it better, you don't cause it, you don't affect it. I think of it as... like a pet I can't see, feel, hear, smell. My partner can see it. Sometimes the pet is like crawling on him, pushing him down, peeing in all the corners of the house but I just can't see it!! I would totally help clean the pee spots and try to get the pet on a leash so he could have some time to recover but I can't see anything that's happening unless my partner describes it in vivid detail... and the "vivid detail" is important because if there's a pet I can't see, hear, feel then it's really hard for me to understand that's it there unless I get some good details about it.
So, to put that in a way that might make some more sense - I can believe my partner when he says he has depression.... but unless he walks me through all of his feelings, or lack of feelings, and his reason for his actions.... it's really hard for me to understand what that MEANS for him, and for me, and for our relationship.
That said, it's really hard for someone who is depressed to spend the energy explaining their depression to you because it doesn't even make sense to them! That said, it doesn't mean they can't or shouldn't try to give you some peek into their world.
We're 3 years into really trying to deal with depression either together or separately and it's still very, very hard.
I want you to know though that encouraging my partner to get help from a therapist was the greatest thing I could've done. It was really hard... I felt like I was pushy and needy.... I thought "if he wants to see a therapist he'll see one... why am I asking him to see one on my timeline instead of his?" I still don't know if that was a reasonable thought but honestly it doesn't matter. Even if I was asking him to see a therapist for me instead of him I have to believe that that is ok. For our relationship to work I needed him to help himself and that required a therapist. It is "easier" with a therapist - it is necessary. There are some people who pull themselves out of depression but it is so, so rare and it is not worth the struggle. And it's not worth the fall back into depression that will almost inevitably follow. You said your boyfriend has seen a therapist before without a lot of benefit... maybe he wasn't seeing someone that fit him. It's hard to find the right therapist - my boyfriend tried two before finally liking the third one. You have to find someone you like and someone close by.
Keep encouraging therapy. Maybe ask if you could do some research for a therapist for him, or if you could make some calls for him so he doesn't have to. Ask him why he didn't like his therapist (or therapists) before. You don't need to be pushy but you shouldn't let it go. When I was trying to get my partner to see a therapist I asked at least one question about therapy a week. I also was the one who actually scheduled the appointments when we got to that point and was available to drive him to and from every one for the first 4 months.
I think encouraging him to exercise is a great idea. You might try telling him that you want to sign up for a class, but sometimes you're not motivated to go, and maybe if he would go with you then that would help "you." I have been told that helping other people relieves some depressive symptoms as well, so that would be two birds with one stone. You'd probably have to to be constantly praising him for "helping" you go to your class. Hopefully you're up to that.
My husband will not see a therapist, but I wish he would. If you can get your partner to see a therapist, it would relieve a lot of pressure on your relationship. <3