I completely understand. My boyfriend is so nice to strangers or when we're hanging out with friends. He seems to be having a good time, joking and laughing. As soon as we are by ourselves again, everything comes back and he's upset again. What I think is that he's just distracting himself from everything that makes him upset and is faking it with them. He feels ok to be himself around me and unfortunately, that means that I get all the negative behavior as well. I do wish to myself that he would act "fake" in front of me sometimes. Just try and hide his emotions. But that isn't really going to help anything. I think if he were to do that it would make everything worse. He would just bottle it up and at one point the bottle would explode. Unfortunate for us, I think we are there release. We are the people that support them and love them unconditionally so we are the people they vent to and dump their stress onto. However, a person can only take so much... That's what is so nice about this website. For me, talking on here really helps get my emotions out sometimes and realizing that I am not the only one going through this helps!

In a way it could be argued that you may be the only person they can show everything to. When I'm depressed (which is not exessively or anything) my girlfriend seems to not care or not know what to say and I think I would feel good if I was the person she came to when she was depressed.

i hear you! i used to think he was "faking" his outbursts, because they only happened in front of me, and at work, or with friends, or for Dr.'s he was totally well presented, normal, and happy. Now we've been through so much, and its so totally about him, i sometimes wonder if he even cares i'm still here. he promises he's going to do better, but somtimes i'm not sure if he can. he says he has 3 years to decide if he's leaving the province, so i have the same to decide if our lives are going to get better, and we're going to make it. (he has a brain injury too- that causes the depression)

Yes! Sometimes I am jealous of the "me" in the beginning of our relationship. I had no idea back then how crippling his depression was to him or myself. He will be on the phone talking to his family and things are fine... But before and after he sinks right back down into depression. It does feel so completely unfair! I just wish that he would be happy... It is SO hard for me to comprehend his feelings. I tell myself this is just a sign of how close we are. How comfortable he is with me. He can be himself and be honest with me and no one else. It's a blessing... I just wish it felt like that

I'm here reading from all of you...(thank goodness for you) and he's lying on the bed making these throat noises like he has tourette's....His MD thinks he's subconsciously feeling all the locked up sadness of his childhood...I just don't know....At time, after almost a year, I'm not sure how much I can care anymore....He is waiting for the medication to restore him...He has been advised that it helps keep you balanced while you try and recover....I'm on a diet to lose 20 pounds so I can find my svelt self again....everyday I remember only 5 years ago having breast cancer, losing my hair, etc....I matter Happy T day

Smdruid - absolutely you matter, through all this i have realized that if i don't care of myself no one else will. i'm lucky (!) i work - so i'm away from home long hours, but even then the lonliness kicks in on weekends, i've been on my own for almost 2 yrs. but i have to go and get my toes done, i ride my horse, i've done some lessons, just to keep myself happy. if i don't i'm completely alone, or emersed in his messy life. you have to take care of #1 - and that's YOU!

Redloui,
You are completely right! That is what I have noticed as I am dealing with this more and more. I really began being depressed a few months ago and needed help getting out of it. I found this site and have slowly but surely started taking more time to take care of me. I have to come first. When I started being depressed he honestly got angry with me! It was like I stole his thunder. But I realize now it wasn't that at all. Someone on here gave me the great analogy of having broken my leg and asking my partner with 2 broken legs to help me out. He was just lost, confused, and scared. And I realized he felt guilty for my sadness. As I've gone back to my old self I am much more capable of dealing with his. And I am happier all around! I have been going to yoga, keeping in better contact with friends, and tomorrow I am getting a manicure! I am thrilled!!! I have completely stopped doing things for me and am so happy to be doing them again!!! We deserve this!!! We are important!

yeah! brownlie love! well done. if you can't care for yourself, there's no way you can care for him.

I suffer from constant depression and PTSD both and both are from a horrible childhood and abusive marriage. I have learned the painful hard way that most people outside of my very small and close circle of love ones, that people either don't understand or don't care about my depression or ptsd. Because of this, I hide both from most people outside my circle of love ones. I don't want to give motivations for more pain to come my way in the lack of understanding (support) or carelessness (judgements) from others. I hide it under a fake smile and happy voice. Most see my smile and hear my voice and assume I am good and never see my pain to which I have learned so horrible that people can easily make worst. I don't fake anything to anyone who seems to try to understand or who seems to care, but to all others, I hide for my own safety. I am not the only one who does this for the same reasons.

Hello Phoenix,
I completely understand and am exactly like you, perhaps. I have learned to "smell" someone who doesn't get it and will probably never get it. So many people in this world don't care or have any compassion. It's scary and almost impossible to comprehend. I couldn't imagine hurting someone after having been through it myself. This is why I sometimes wonder where do you draw the line when someone you love is depressed and starts to transfer/act out unresolved issues on YOU....Not good.....

I feel the same way. My husband definitely saves the worst for me. Along with that, I feel like I have some symptoms of depression as well, which I know is common when living with someone who has depression. I read somewhere where we need to listen to them, but should not display anger or frustration, which I have failed at horribly. So we are supposed to be there for them...I get that. But if I also have signs of depression, I not only need to power through for my husband and fight any natural urge to respond "normally", but I also don't get that loving support at home. No one said life was supposed to be fair, but good grief, this situation is so tiring. I do pray a lot, but sometimes I would just like to scream (at him). Any advice out there?

Hi Jen....I feel the same way. I'm depressed right at this moment because who am I now living with? And again, where is the line between him being depressed and emotionally abusive...abusive in not talking, ignoring me, just walking out of the room in the middle of a sentence, etc...I'm the only one he treats this way it seems...forget affection...all I hear is I can't help it and I'm sorry....he's on meds...seeing an MD...but won't do anything else...writing, talking and all the wonderful tools that can help climb up and out...I feel like he wants me here just to act out on...I'm really re-thinking this " relationship" now...we are not married..I'm almost all done with being a support for him...18 mos...he appears to be emotionally dead...

Hi, everybody. I'm new here today. :-) I am in the middle of a protected episode of feeling alone and neglected because of my boyfriend's depression. Sometimes I feel selfish for wishing that I could get just a little bit of attention/affection. I finally decided that I needed to reach out to others in similar situations. So . . . hi, guys.

There are so many days I feel like going back in time and NOT gotting involved with my depressed husband. Hind sight and all that. Really, who needs this grief? (Mine told me today he was leaving, but I'm pretty sure that was just the D talking- I hope.)
I know I could leave now with the kids, but really, I know this is where I need to be, challenges and all. Not only do I love him to bits, but we have a family and I promised to stand by him in sickness and health. And he's sick. There's no one else who can support him like I can. And so here I stay, trying to keep myself healthy so I can help him get healthy.

So right Finnmom......only I stay, as a single woman, for the same reasons as you do....I could start again, even at 64, but why bother, actually,,,,,it is really a tough situation at best...what gets me the most is the over night lack of affection.....who stole the love of my life and my best friend...it's kind of creepy....