The loneliness and desperation of living with someone with depression is very real. You are supposed to share in the joys and responsibilities of life and support each other, but he isn't able and you can't force him to get better or fix his depression for him.

Anything you can do for yourself to feel good, do it! Do you have friends you can get together with, maybe who also have kids so they can play while you get some time with another adult? I know that is easier said than done with all that is on your plate.

Is he doing anything to get help with his depression? How long has it been going on?

Thank you for replying... I find it immensely hard as I have no family members around me after a terrible incident which involved my little girl- which is what I would say the turning point for both my husband and I's relationship... My husband started using anti depressants just after we bought the business and then things were going ok. The medicine seemed to help. Then after the incident and the estrangement from all family members, things really just spiralled out of control...
So many things happened in such a short amount of time I honestly to this day cannot wrap my head around how our lives changed so much.

We had the perfect life- perfect relationship, and marriage... Perfect little family.... Then it was like someone blew up my world, one thing after the other until honestly I couldn't even think of getting thru a day let alone this far... I am grateful on how far we have come but I guess now that I know life CAN go on, I want it to be better then just good. I want what we had or better... Is that unrealistic?

I am an optimist most of the time and my hubby is the negative one. That's probably why we work so good together but most days lately I can't help but think- what's the point. It's exhausting to continuously lift everyone up and make things all rainbows and sunshine for the kids when I don't get the support when I have my bad days (and trust me- even I get them)

I find I make excuses for his behaviour because "he is depressed" but how much emotional abuse can one take before it starts doing damage that's in repairable.? Is this what I deserve? If so , should I just be happy that he is here?
I ask these questions constantly and yet never know the right answer.

I've tried doing things my counsellor has suggested to help me cheer up but honestly I am consumed by the way he feels and so NOTHING distracts me long enough to lift me into a good mood.

My friends are good most of the time but tbh I don't think there is one true friend that REALLY gets it. Like I said we had ALOT of things happen one after the other that they may get one or two issues but putting them all together- u couldn't read about this type of shit....

He sees a counsellor but not near enough- the business is too busy so it's like a double edged sword... I know he is trying but there's days where I wish he tried harder.... Or atleast have the empathy to hold me and just make me FEEEL like things will be ok.

I'm so sorry hon. It all sounds extremely hard. I know what you mean - I struggle with vacillating between trying to remember it is a disease and he can't help it and feeling fed up and like he could be trying harder. Even though he can't help it, can I live my life this way "forever"?

I think the hardest part about it is that while it is a disease and not their fault, how is it going to change if they aren't really taking action? I mean, if someone had cancer he would (presumably) be seeking treatment, so how is it ok not to seek treatment for something else that has such a huge impact on one's life, relationships, and those who love them? I know it is a lot to do with the stigma, and the nature of depression itself making it hard to make positive changes, but it is just so damn frustrating to see no real steps taken or even destructive behavior that seems like it will just make things worse. We need to have hope that things can get better, and when you can't see how that is going to happen, and no idea when, that can make it all very, very hard to tolerate.

You had a very happy marriage before, so the possibility always exists to get back to that in time. Whatever things you went through (and are going through) were jolting and HARD, but there exists the possibility for things to improve from here over time. Also, it is good that he is willing to take the step of seeing a counselor, even though it hasn't been enough so far. It means he can see there is a need for help, and hopefully if he gets tired enough himself of feeling the way he does he'll take more action. I can say the same for my husband since he did start taking anti-depressants and is going to the counselor with me today.

Hi! I think you commented on my post yesterday. You are definitely not alone. I can relate to most of what you are feeling. I am stuck here with no friends or family and I just want my husband back. I love him more than anything and I totally get what you mean about fearing the emotional damage will become unrepairable.

Do you go to the same counsellor as your husband or is it a different one?

Also, does anyone on here have any opinions about seeking marriage counseling? I was thinking about that, but since the problems stem from depression I wasn't sure if that would be helpful or just make him more defensive?

I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you. I am seeking them myself. I hope it helps to just talk to people that understand. It helped me a little yesterday. Just know that you are not alone.

Thank you guys, as strange as it sounds I actually look forward to reading comments on here now, like I have made new friends... Sad that it isn't the usual happy fun conversations to find them but even still, knowing I'm not alone is my saviour...

We've seen a marriage counsellor and I must admit harder then individual counselling. To truly hear how someone is feeling , wether it is reality or not, and yet have no ability to help change it, it's hard. Almost knowing that all the constant effort of above and beyond goes completely un noticed... But I do think it is vital for marriages and couples. It is the only place where u can say ur true feelings and they will be heard and validated even if it's just from the therapist themselves . It's not healthy not to... Trust me, I went for the longest time not actually talking to anyone and clearly my lack of knowledge and terrible decisions led me directly to this dark room I feel trapped in today.

Please keep writing guys, I'm so sorry u both feel the same because it is a lot to cope with and although they r the ones struggling, they get the support from it. Wether just from drs or therapists but mostly US! So who do we turn to?

Hi all, I am new to this support group but am also sharing in the joy that there are others going through the same things I am. I cannot agree more that it is a constant internal dialogue of whether to be understanding, or frustrated because a part of you feels that they could try harder to get better. In my case, my boyfriend resisted getting help for a long time, and I finally had to say I would consider ending our relationship if he didn't take getting help more seriously. I know other people have noted that, of course, part of depression is the sufferer not always being able to get help for themselves - but it is very mentally grueling and tiresome for us who have to be the supporters.

@scheme - I completely feel for you. Life can always change in an instant. I lost my father suddenly at a very young age. I think there is something to be said for you sticking with and by your husband and trying to be positive- to hope for better days ahead. I agree with a lot of what I've read on here which is you have to remember to make the time and space for yourself. Of course I imagine this is hard also with two children - that also demands so much of you.

I have often wondered the same question - "who do we turn to"? - and have considered going into therapy myself to cope with the hardships of the relationship. What do you guys think about that?

X Micole

"I am an optimist most of the time and my hubby is the negative one. That's probably why we work so good together but most days lately I can't help but think- what's the point. It's exhausting to continuously lift everyone up and make things all rainbows and sunshine for the kids when I don't get the support when I have my bad days (and trust me- even I get them)

I find I make excuses for his behaviour because "he is depressed" but how much emotional abuse can one take before it starts doing damage that's in repairable.? Is this what I deserve? If so , should I just be happy that he is here?"

YES! YES! YES! These words could have come out of my mouth. It's EXACTLY how I feel. Now how do we cope with these feelings? I sure wish I had an answer. I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way and I wish I had some good advice. You are not alone. Hugs to you.

I just wanted to respond to some of the questions about seeking counseling with what my therapist said.

First off, I used my Employee Assistance Program right away to see a counselor for myself when this all started with my husband's severe meltdown. It was scary, and I knew I needed help. I got 3 free appointments with her, and the EAP people made sure to find someone who accepts my insurance, so I've been able to continue seeing her after those appointments. I am lucky because she is really good. I think it is imperative that those of us living with spouses who have severe depression have support.

As for couples counseling, I managed to get my husband to go see my counselor with me the other night. She listened to him about what has been going on for him, and ultimately said she felt that couples counseling is best saved for when the immediate issues of his intense depression and anxiety are resolved. She told him it was great that he started anti-depressants and that he plans to see a psychiatrist, and that he could also use his EAP benefit and find a counselor of his own. And she said that depression is hard on the person going through it, but also hard on the spouse, and so it makes sense for me to keep seeing her and for him to seek his own treatment for now. We also agreed that if we go to a couples counselor down the road, it would make the most sense for us to find someone different, since I've already been going to her for a while on my own.

Basically, she felt that couples counseling wasn't necessarily productive when one person is going through that level of depression, because it's hard to have energy to put into solving problems in the relationship when one is in that deep of a hole personally.

Of course that is just one counselor's opinion, but I have to say that in our case I really agree with her. My husband is taking some small steps, but unfortunately I think he still is in denial about many things, still doing some destructive things, and very resistant to change. It's hard to have hope, but I'm trying.

@nymr13 - I think maybe your comment was for Thumpa who mentioned there was a terrible incident with her little girl?

Thank you so much for the couple's counseling advice. I am so grateful for this group!