I hope things went well tonight. I know it's really scary just waiting around for what whim will strike them. Mine is still away. Still says he's coming back. Still won't commit to a date. I'm dreading weekends now because if/when he comes back, it would be on a weekend when he's off. So here we are at another weekend with no commitment to return during this one. I manage to keep myself in enough of a fog most of the time so I'm not always panicking, but in those moments when it hits me that this might be it, it might be the end with no going back, I feel the panic creep up again. Make sure you don't accept any blame. You are not at fault, he is. Sure, it's depression talking, but that does not absolve them of responsibility for their actions.

I would hate to have to go through all that. My husband has in the past made comments.. like " what if I said I didn't want any kids?" when we already had 2. So I know he misses his freedom sometimes. I wouldn't want him to leave, just the same as you don't want yours to leave. But.. if it comes to that.. maybe this will help: I have thought a lot about how life would be without him, and honestly.. it would be hard.. but we would get by. HE is the one who would ultimately lose the most if he left. He would have no more support at home, no one to make sure he takes his meds, no one to make his coffee, wash his clothes, make him something to eat that's more substantial than a sandwich. Without the extra income that my baby bonus gives, he would lose the house and possibly the car and would probably have to sell his motorcycle and 4wheeler and all those material things that seem to be so important to him.

I hope things work out for the better for you, but YOU are the strong one. You'll be ok no matter what he chooses.

That is very true, ambrosia. Brownielove, I think you mentioned that you don't have kids, but you are still the main support and the one who runs the household. If our husbands left (or in my case, don't come back), they are the ones who are worse off. I go through swings of being confident I can handle things on my own, angry that husband is doing this "break" to the rest of us and panicked that I may be on my own. So while I think I recognize that ultimately things will fall in to place no matter what, it's still nerve wracking to contemplate the "what if." And I know that "what if" is not productive, but I'm really good at worrying about "what if" even when there's no good to come from it. I think the hardest part is not really having control over something that would profoundly effect your life. The only thing we can do is be prepared for it-and there's only so much you can do to emotionally get prepared.

You are right. There is only so much we can do to e emotionally prepared. It's hard. I have thought of life alone- i know I would be fine- sad for awhile but fine overall. I can take care of me and I am a strong person. I would be able to handle life just fine.
He didn't leave. I told him to go ahead and go if that's what he wanted. He responded it wasn't what he wanted and we had a lovely romantic relaxing weekend. Then... Tonight happened. He told me he's decided to go on meds. He is/ has been ADAMANTLY against meds in our nearly 6 years together. I was shocked!!!!
I asked why? What changes his mind?
"I don't want to feel anymore, I want to be numb". That is not the answer I want to hear- and I can't imagine I am alone on that. I cried and he is angry. I told him to make such a huge life decision without me involved seems rude- I get his input on everything! I hold off on big things because I am waiting until he is in the right mood to talk to. He is angry that I cried. I honestly apologized, I truly am sorry I didn't mean to upset him I just wish we could have had a conversation to clearly talk and discuss. Oh yes... He's fuming! My beautiful weekend died. It died fast! It was within minutes of his loving, smiling face... To angry fury. He is mad. And honestly I think now he is mad that I said I am okay with whatever he wants- I just want to be informed. I think he wants me to fight it more- there's no reason to be so upset. I don't get depression sometimes and if I may say so- its awful! I hate it!

Ugh, going on meds because he doesn't want to feel. Meds won't do that for him. Even if they could, I think it would be a toss up: live with angry guy or live with guy in a fog. I sometimes wonder what they could be thinking in the depression haze. The logic just isn't there, so there's no reasoning with them.

I would have to agree thralkr. Not feeling isn't really an option regardless. The meds just take the edge off from what ive seen with my hubby.

Well... I have to say that helps. Knowing they won't make him a zombie is good. I don't know how he will react to that but at least I can rest assured knowing he will still be there and not drugged up at all times.
I guess we will see what happens. He will talk to his counselor about it next time he sees her.
This is hard... It feels harder for me over the last couple days and I know why. Each month during my cycle I am a mess! I can't deal with his depression at all during that time. I am crying and sensitive and certain it's me that is making him depressed. I always recognize what it is and the time of month and I shut up in silence usually. This is an extra rough time for me this month... I feel so extra emotional.
I do hope he is given insight and makes the best decision.

Being with someone who is severely depressed is so hard. I have attended so many birthday parties, events, our children's games, and other happenings by myself because he is to depressed to get out of the house or clean or do anything. Recently it has gotten worse and I am having a hard time coping. I am trying but Everything is about him and I miss having someone to ask me how was my day. It never gets easier.

Oh gosh... I do think about that. It is ALWAYS about him! I can't have a bummer happen because it affects him. About 6 months ago my car broke down. I had to get towed to the mechanic... you'd think someone took a sledgehammer to his car.
It would be one thing if he dealt with my stuff but I called AAA, I payed all the money, I had to get rides to work, I had to determine what to do with the situation, I take on all those things and then I also had to comfort him that he would be okay even though MY car broke down.
My family is having lots of troubles... parental issues galore in my family. This upsets him greatly.... he wants nothing to do with them. Hasn't seen them in over a year (did see mom about 5 months ago briefly) doesn't have anything to do with them. I see and chat with them at times where it doesn't affect him and I try to mend the bridges in my family without him involved so he doesn't have to think about it. He still thinks about it and it is infuriating to him. He thinks I am being weak with no backbone by being nice to people who are not nice to me. They are my parents I tell him... he doesn't care it upsets him. We won't fight about it but it'll sure throw him into that funk.
Last lonely story.... I go to all functions alone too. ALL function ALONE! I went to a wedding and the placard next to me had a name on it... it took me until the end of the reception to realize that was his name and his seat. I RSVP for him just in case for everything. I don't want him to feel he can't go if he wants. My friend knows this and still held her hopes that he'd come and put a place for him right next to me. :) All night I wondered who hadn't shown up. I even saw his name and assumed it was a different man with that name who was suppose to be seated there.

I hear you, that kind of stuff happens to me as well. I sometimes work late so I don't have to come home to his depression. He likes me to be around him so he is not alone, but we have 3 sons 24, 17, 16 and he hardly says but a couple words to them. I feel like I am always trying to get them to talk to each other, like if my son makes something cool I say wow go show your dad how nice that looks. ect.
I pray a lot for him to get better. I just try to keep the faith and the house sane

I can tell you for sure, brownielove, that meds won't make him a zombie. I've taken lexapro and then later on zoloft for a few years now for my own anxiety, and I have not had major anxiety issues since then. I still have the usual human emotions and still get anxiety especially with my husband's little "break" but I am far from zombie. No need for you to worry about any of that. I just wish I could convince my husband that meds might actually do him some good too.
Take a look at your calcium consumption for your cycle. I read once a long time ago that adequate calcium can improve PMS, and I tried it. It did have a positive effect on my PMS. Keep in mind that your body can only absorb something like 500 mg at a time, and you need adequate vitamin D to absorb it at all, so take a vitamin D supplement and eat something high in calcium 3 times a day. Doesn't have to be dairy. A baby kale salad will work too. Keep that up the whole month.

Oh thank you!!!
It is sad to know others go through what I do and yet happy to know I am not alone. Mine also likes me to be around so I very much have lost most of my social life- it's me alone or me with him.
I love him and I love spending all my time with him when he's not so angry and depressed but when he is down ugh.
Thralkr... Thank you! I am glad to hear you have experience with the meds. Your husband may come around to them. I NEVER thought mine would want them!!! He has been against them since long before we've been together- somewhere in the realm of 20 years people have suggested meds to him.
I feel not so stressed about them now- however he's also not been able to go on them yet. His counseling appt was canceled this week and he hasn't heard from her yet to reschedule.
Also thank you for the tip of calcium! I do need to look into something- I just don't do well with his moods when my own are so all over the place for those few days a month! :).

I think your husband and mine could be twins brownielove. I am also the breadwinner and he is always "bored" ,"numb", dissatisfied, etc. When he gets mad at himself he turns it around and blames our marriage. Divorce or the treat of it from him has been a constant go to for about a year now when he is really trying to suck me in to his pain. This is because he knows that that is something I do not want and he knows its something that hurts me and I have a hard time hiding hurt when that gets thrown out. I can hide it better and not get sucked in for all other topics and statements. Even suicide comments don't rattle me as much anymore. I did the same as you when I got fed up with all this shift of blame to me and how "we should get divorced and we would both be happier" I decided to make it hard and tell him "I don't want one and if you want one you will have to do it because I am not." - I realized he was trying to get me to take the bait - he then said he did not want that. It still comes out once in a while but I respond to it less and it seems to be less frequent as a tactic to elicit emotion or a reaction from me.

Mine also does MUCH better when I am around. He resents that I work and he does not. He also wanted to move at one point for about 3 years but its not possible. also I will guarantee that the move would not fix anything. Its a change of scenery and the newness would wear off fast and regardless of the fact that you would be closer to family, the depression would still be there and he would feel the same way.

Oh Shinann... You are right :). They could be twins! ;). I have done like you and decided if he wants to separate that is in his court- I think he feels often like it'd be easier if we were apart because he'd have no "obligation" to me. But it turns out he won't do it- he's hoping for me to also take the bait and make it possible for us to separate. Nope- u just brush it off now too.
I agree with you on the move. I don't believe it would help at all and it would only stress me out immensely.
And yes... When I am around he just is a whole different person. If I have an extra day of work or an extra meeting he drops down to that dark place. When I am home he just wants me to be near. He is jealous of my work. I think he is also jealous I have a career I enjoy... He hasn't found that and I think he wishes he could.
It's always sad to know someone else goes through what I do but so comforting at the same time :). I am glad you have come here :)

The work thing is the hardest. Mine has a masters and used to have a pretty successful career but then when the economy went south it coincided with high unemployemnet and he was out of work for 3 years - then he just could never get back into it. He got one offer that looked like it would be it but we had been in such dire straights (I was also unemployed for about a year and a half at the time) and we had declared bankruptcy and moved in with family. he had the offer and it was recinded when they ran our credit. that devastated him and that was it. Now he resents my career and success. He is tried to go back to wrk a few times but the switch has been that he is a stay at home dad. its not what he wanted and not what he envisioned for his life and basically a lot of his grief comes from wishing for all the things that he could have had that will never be rather than appreciating what he DOES have and all the possibilities he has as a stay at home parent. He could do anything he wants, but he can;t get the energy or the mindset to stop focusing on the negatives or the bad thaings that happened or what did not come to fruition. Its frustrating for me to deal with and as you know telling them to "suck it up" or "look on the bright side" or make suggestions rarely works unless they are in a receptive mood and that is RARE. you just have to ignore the ranting and eventually they stop.