Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
Hi, I am new here,
I think today is the first day I have realised that when my husband is depressed, there is nothing I can say that will get a positive response
He tells me all the time that I don't love him, don't understand him, don't support him, a litany of my shortcomings. It is as if he blames me for not being what he needs
So often I really don't know what to say to him when I sense he is feeling down because I am SO nervous around him in case I say 'the wrong thing' and he starts telling me all my faults again.
I can't ever seem to relax around him , I constantly walk on eggshells
In other people's experience, is there a way to get over these feelings, to stop feeling like a failure whenever I am around him?
Is there truly anything I can say that will help him? I have suggested he try counselling or talk to a friend but he refuses to get any help.
Perhaps it is easier to blame me than to get help for himself?
I think today is the first day I have realised that when my husband is depressed, there is nothing I can say that will get a positive response
He tells me all the time that I don't love him, don't understand him, don't support him, a litany of my shortcomings. It is as if he blames me for not being what he needs
So often I really don't know what to say to him when I sense he is feeling down because I am SO nervous around him in case I say 'the wrong thing' and he starts telling me all my faults again.
I can't ever seem to relax around him , I constantly walk on eggshells
In other people's experience, is there a way to get over these feelings, to stop feeling like a failure whenever I am around him?
Is there truly anything I can say that will help him? I have suggested he try counselling or talk to a friend but he refuses to get any help.
Perhaps it is easier to blame me than to get help for himself?
I will say that it definitely sounds like your situation is normal for living with a depressed spouse just from what I know from my own experiences and hearing what other members go through on here. So you're definitely in a good place here where you can receive the support you need.
From everything I have experienced and read about depression, it sounds like it's common for someone who is depressed (and possibly in denial about it) to blame everything on their significant other. When my husband was in denial, he blamed EVERYTHING on me. From him not being able to find his shoes to any mistake that he made, and definitely for our struggling marriage. He even at one point convinced me that it was me and my issues that were causing us problems and I went to counseling for it, he and I went to marriage counseling, yet the problems still lived on. It wasn't until a few months ago that I finally sat him down and told him I felt like he needed medication, and was prepared with a number of reasons and examples to support this. At first he fought me really hard on it, but I just kept trying and eventually he did go for help, which he later thanked me for and has just recently started medication. It's definitely not an easy battle but I don't think it's hopeless, even if it feels like it at the time.
So as far as what you could say and do, although it's definitely not a quick fix it, I would just say be supportive and don't give up. I haven't heard of any story yet where the depressed individual quickly and willingly admitted they were depressed and got help.
As far as getting over your feelings, I don't know if there's really a way to get over it, but I strongly recommend to seek your own counseling to help you get through this. I know it helped me immensely. I also found that for myself, with time you learn how to adjust and deal with the moods. I've learned when to walk away, when to not argue and just let him be, and what battles are worth fighting, and which ones aren't, so I'm sure that with time you'll learn what works best for the two of you. and don't forget to still do things for yourself that you enjoy. Plan dinners with friends, go for a walk... etc. Whatever makes you happy. Don't forget that you still enjoy to have fun and be happy, because the more you take care of yourself, the easier it'll be to be supportive of him.
But in the meantime, keep trying to get him help and keep coming here to vent and get the support that you need. :)
Ski is right.. you have found the right place :)
Your situation is all too well known by us! Eggshells cover the ground I walk on 360 degrees around sometimes! But, you can't feel like a failure.
Of course try to suggest he get help and be supportive, be there for him. But make sure you focus on you first and foremost! If you don't work on you and you're only living to make a depressed person happy- you will feel like a failure. We've all been there... you just can't make him happy, he has to make him happy. But it will help him if you are happy, and of course that's what you want :)
As time goes on it does get easier, that I can promise! Focus on yourself, choose something that you want for you and make that your project. Then... let your happiness guide him. And when the time is right, and it will be, talk with him about getting help and support. Sometimes I slip back into focusing on him... that is tough but it happens. Just remember to focus on you first, and bring him to your place :)
It isn't a quick fix, but at least if you are happy it will help him too. I used to cry all the time to mine just at a loss. I'd tell him "I don't know what to do or what you want from me." This just infuriated him! He couldn't even begin to be concerned about my emotional heartache when he is in this terrible place himself. I just added more to his plate by trying to "fix him" But in refinding myself and my happiness, I don't have those breakdowns anymore (or hardly :). But truly, I can't even remember how I did it before. It is so much nicer focusing on you- and the people in this group are awesome! My suggestion is to honestly come here everyday. Sometimes I only have time for a quick read and respond every couple days... but I check in everyday. On good days, it keeps me grounded and connected to my team here :) On bad days, it lets me know I am not alone and I have friends who will battle with me :)
Good luck to you Possum Lady, we'll be seeing you soon and looking for updates :)
I feel like I may need some time apart from him to be able to de-stress and work on my own issues.
I will start off by saying that I am sorry that you are going through this and am glad you found this site. There is a truly caring and wonderful bunch of people here who have helped me immensely!
That said, I will echo comments from earlier, your own counseling is crucial. You have a lot of insight into your own issues that are being brought out by your husband. I am glad you are seeking counseling and hope you continue that.
One of the responses I learned in counseling for when someone is - at least in my mind - unfairly accusing me of things that are not my fault is to say, "I am sorry you feel that way." Generally they will pile on more and I just repeat that statement (my counselor called it the "broken record" method). You are acknowledging what they said without accepting responsibility for it or defending yourself against something that is untrue. This puts the responsibility squarely back on their shoulders in a non-confrontational way. It is pretty liberating.
I am not a counselor, just telling you something I was given by a counseling program that has worked for me.
Take care of yourself. And welcome again! You have found a great place for support!
First off, like said... start with you, which I see you are seeking help. You need to be strong and positive and know that it isn't your fault he feels this way, counseling will help you understand his illness as well as your feelings about his illness as well as your past.
I like the suggestion from bpdistough about saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way."
Also, I don't know if it is easier to blame you, but... when they are down, they look for a reason why they feel so badly I think. And we are right there. It doesn't mean we are to blame... we aren't, but they don't know why they hurt, they just do and we are there so they think maybe we are at fault. But you are not to blame.
Come back, like BrownieLove said, she comes back daily... I do, too. I may not comment everyday, but I read and it helps me.
((HUGS))
I think each of us here has also been blamed for our significant other's depression. Mine still does on especially tough days, even though he knows better. But just like they wouldn't blame someone else for their heart disease, they can't blame anyone else for their depression. You are NOT to blame!!! If you can't do anything to fix it (& you can't) you can not be the one to blame either!
All you can really do is keep yourself healthy and happy so that you can be in a position to be able to support him. he's the one who will have to do the work to get himself healthy. You can't take his meds or do his counseling or even try to change his outlook on life for him. You can only support him.and just because you didn't make dinner just "right" or keep the house clean enough or give him enough space or were ignoring him or didn't show you cared enough, etc.etc IN HIS WARPED BY DEPRESSION OPINION absolutely does NOT make you responsible for it! He's not capable of seeing the world clearly anyhow, due to his depression, so the criticism really is invalid anyway; so like bpdishard said, "I'm sorry you feel that way." really is a great response.
Good luck & hope to see you here soon
Their depression and choices are not our fault or responsibility. We can not make them go to counseling or take their medicine or do their job. Yes, it effects us, but we can not be responsible for it.
And constant reminders usually cause them to vent misplaced anger on us. They KNOW they need to do these things.
Everyone has choices to make and, hopefully, they will make more and more of the right ones.