I would not put your father under that type of stress. If his kids really cared about him, then they should make the drive to see him where he is.

It's my husband. I'm the evil step-mother (not really I have ALWAYS been nice to his kids). Thanks for your post. My mom is also advising me not to go, lots of stress for me and he probably won't even remember he went- that's what my mom says.

It breaks my heart that your/his children do not come to visit and help him and you through this time. With that said...I have to say that travel is hard. My Father loves to ride in the car, loves the scenery and does very well. But a 2 1/2 hour drive each way could spell disaster.

My Dad can't handle too many people at once now and a lot of excitement, anxiety, challenge, people making him try to remember things can set off a catastrophic episode.

I would worry that if something went awry that you would be there with no help and 2 1/2 hours back to get him home and in his comfort zone. I'm not sure how he reacts to crowds and might be fine with this, I know everyone is different.

There's my 10 cents worth. I would not feel guilty at all saying no we can't make the trip, but would love for you to come visit us any time! As for the car, I would sell it and buy something great for you both before I would give it away to them if that's all they want. Boy, I'm full of vinegar today! :) You'll make the right choice...you are a wise woman!

I am not down the road of having alzheimers and even at my stage I would not want to be at something where there was the kind of tone it sounds like it will be for the both of you. I avoid stress at all cost, it just makes me want to run and hide also do not do well in large groups where I have to be a part of conversation making small talk. It does not sound like he will know them anyway and even if he does for a few minutes he will more than likely forget who is who anyway. I do fine in my family situation but I know I would not go anywhere if I even had any idea that it would be uncomfortable for me. It is really weird I did fine in giving a talk to complete strangers but when differeent individuals came up to talk to me I found it to be very difficult to put the words together in talking with the strangers, they were great and I did fine but if there was any kind of misunderstanding or anything that I would have had to figure out I would have probable left. I think it really is asking your husband to be put in a situation that would not be good for him at all, you may think also of saying he is not well enough anymore to travel that far and it may be true. Sounds like to me you are setting your husband to be in a sitation that may just cause him to make another step in the wrong direction. I know when I go thru a very stressful situation I find I do not completely get back to where I was before it happened and I know I will never recover back to the point I was before the stress happened. But that is me and I just try to do what I know is not good for me, I want to stay as healthy as I can for as long as I can and it means most times I put my well being before others and I am not used to doing that but I know I must for my long term quaility of life. Oh one last thing, I know if someone started to bad mouth my mental illness they just may end up with a bloody nose or a swift kick where it hurt most, man or woman!!!! God Bless Phil, Flops and Flossie

Thanks Phil, that last part made laugh maybe I will take him just so I can see him give her the bloody nose she deserves! I'm just kidding. I didn't want to go, I agree that it won't really be that great for him if he goes and now with these posts and some feed back from people who really do care about him I have decided that we will not go. I want my husband's time right now to be positive. I want him to be with people who really care about him and have him doing things he likes as long as he can.

Thank you all for your support.

Deb, at first, I thought he should go to his grandson's 18th birthday party. About then after reading how he has been neglected by his family, and in his condition, a 5 hour round trip would be just too much. At the very least, you would have to stay over night at a motel or hotel (Hampton Inn has a free hot breakfast) and if that could be arranged, you and he might enjoy yourselves. On the other hand, and I think a better idea, is to invite his grandson down for a weekend and have him do something with his grandfather that would bring back pleasant memories later down the road.

Well, his grandson doesn't have pleasant memories of his grandpa because he has followed in his mother's footsteps and doesn't contact his grandfather either. My kids call their grandparents without having to be told and after the got their driver's license they went to visit with them.

And I have invited all of them so many times to various occasions, etc and they don't come.

But Deb, they may have their reasons, even if their reasons are unfounded. Perhaps to them they are real. Forget the rest of the family, just get in touch with the 18 y.o. Forgive me if I seem intrusive, but opportunities should (or maybe could) be made to reunite at least someone in his family. Perhaps your DH won't remember the visit, the the young man will. Just JMHO. Of course, you know what is happening and you know best.

Deborah
Tell the family thank you that is very nice of them to invite you for a special occasion only you will have to decline or take a rain check as it is too far for your husband to ride in a car. Invite the 18 year old to come down (over) to spend some time perhaps go to a special event that is local( near your home) I beieve that you should get your affairs in order before people become greedy in the family. Yes to reconsile is a nice thing however you must be practical and protect your husband. Do they want you to give the 18year old your car for his birthday? I dont know these people perhaps that was a rude thing to say . Just take care and God Bless and in my opinon I would stay home. blessings.....facing.....

The car I am talking about is a 'muscle car'. If you are into NASCAR and hot rods you would love it and desire it. A 1964 NOVA II. My husband built it himself literally from a rusted heap in a field. He put a huge engine in it, did all the body work, paint, etc himself. So it is valuable and definitely NOT for an 18 year old boy! We have had someone stop by recently and inquire about. He is about 40, totally into cars, etc so I will probably sell it to him. He appreciates what it is. I truly, sincerely believe his kids would sell it for the money for themselves. One of them is on their 2nd bankruptcy and second foreclosure, the other is always short of money. We don't have much money ourselves and we live on his SDI and pensions. We could do a lot of house repairs with it.

I think I like the idea of not attending the party and inviting his grandson here.

I'm the same with mom. Though, it's a 5hr flight, overnight stay, then a 2 1/2 drive, to see family members. Long time, deliberating this and knowing mom will have her ups & downs; anxiety moments with the crowd, and will question who's who. Also, understanding the toll on me.

I came to also know, she only does have her moments here at home or there. She knows me, and I will be there as her comfort. I know situations for all is different. For ole' mom, though some family members will have their ignorance of where she's at.

I guess, it's that moment, she will have. If those that truly will hold, then their memories to carry. Good luck as you know what would best all around. lol